Dear Misguided Brain

1/19/19

  FML. This year has begun like the last one and I'm about ready to go into robot mode with meds and pretend this year is nonexistent. 

I know, a whole lotta time has passed and you probably think I've forgotten about this. I haven't. I figured no one really cared, so I stopped writing.  Holidays suck and brought me down. The last week of December, we'd planned on going up to our local mountain for a snow day. That didn't pan out. We ended up going somewhere else that was a bit cheaper and turned out to be almost as much fun.  

  It had been, for a lack of a better term, warm, here in the desert, I've been plugging in my earbuds and listening to the soothing sounds of the beach on my phone while sitting in a comfy chair on my patio, soaking up some sun.  So, as my form of meditation, I did this when the temp was an easy 57+ degrees, and there wasn't a cloud in sight, the first week of January.  Like I said, in the desert.  I drifted off and the most oddly amazing thing happened...I saw bands of colors in rainbow order.  Then, I saw an old world map and my eyes focused on a compass rose. Next thing I know, my eyes flew open and I'd been out for half an hour. So, testing myself, I closed my eyes, focused on the horizon in my mind and drifted off into the rainbow sector of my mind once more. This time seeing other images. I have no clue how they relate or if they even mean anything,  but I do know, for the next two weeks or so, I was genuinely happy. A delight, actually. I felt good about myself, I was laughing and smiling like never before. I didn't raise my voice or argue with anyone. Speaking to my cousin, she suggested that I had opened my third eye. I have no idea what that is or what it does, but I felt renewed.

The 2nd week in January, I started meds. I still felt good, but the meds were making me a little tense, a side effect that would disappear as quickly as it showed. Nope! Instead, it intensified so badly by the third day, I felt as though I wanted to peel the flesh from my face. So I went off of them. At this point, I was still feeling really good. Now, I was asked recently, if I was feeling good, why did I start meds. That's a fair question. Although my demeanor had changed, then anxiety I've had since I was 14 was still there. I knew I couldn't be left alone at a job without having a trusted person with knowledge of my disorder present,  and I had already discussed with my doctor, a beginning time to start meds. When I awoke the last day of the week, it felt like someone had taken the joy from me. I thought maybe I just hadn't slept enough and pushed through it, going along my Sunday cleaning as usual. Then, one of the kids did something and I snapped at them, raising my voice. As soon as that happened, I knew I had to take some time, plug into the beach and try to get my best back.  Instead, I got noisy pothead neighbors, who, for some reason, had to make sure the entire complex heard their conversation and the smell of dead skunk hovering on my patio, made me nauseated. I gave up and finished my cleaning, trying to avoid any confrontations.

  It's now almost the end of January, and I can't seem to find my joy. I have a difficult time concentrating, and the last time I attempted to mediatate, I fell asleep and awoke with a nice little sunburn. (Not really nice. That was sarcasm.)  So, adding "lack of happiness" to my never ending list of wtf is wrong with me, it seems as though my oldest at home, is the one who found it. She's usually a generally happy kid, yet since I lost mine, she's been overly jovial. At least it was given to someone who deserved it. I feel like, I burnt it out, like it had to fight so hard to keep going within me, it was clocking overtime without the pay and needed a vaca. At least I caught a glimpse of what it's like to be truly happy. I hadn't felt that since I was a child.

  And now, for my punishment....Have you ever just been so lonely, you don't even want to be friends with yourself? Did I word that right?  Maybe being surrounded by people, but you feel like the only one in the room who understands you, would be a better way to say that.  It seems that every time I bring this up to my significant other, he sees it as a sign that I'm gonna run off and wh*re all over the place. True, I had recently asked him if he would consider an open marriage for a little bit, so that these accusations wouldn't be warranted IF, it came down to me meeting someone, making a friend, and going out to hang out with them. It might not make sense to you, but in my head, it did. He agreed to think about it, but I think he stayed closed minded about it.  Now, he sees that as a red flag that I'm so unhappy I want to leave him, already have someone in mind, etc, etc.  None of that is true. I miss the feeling of the first kiss, the holding hands, that's it. I don't want to sleep with anyone else.  I'm uncomfortable looking at my own body in the mirror, why would I want anyone else to see it? I'm flirty by nature, he is flirty by nature. Only, he holds a double standard. I recently had a discussion with him and pointed out that he has flirted with other women right in front of me, I might look at both genders, (not drool or gawk over them)but unless it's gonna get me a discount or a free drink, I'm not going to be disrespectful. I honestly, don't think he realized he was doing it, which gave me pause...does he do it so often that he doesn't realize when he's doing it anymore? He is a grown ass man and I'm not his mommy, so he's gonna do what he's gonna do.  So, now he's recording me without my knowledge.  Really?!  I mean, f**cking REALLY?! I'm hurt, but what can I do but close myself off from everyone else so he has no reason at all, to doubt me.  I mean, it's not like I go out everyday anyway (I'm lucky to get out once a week) and I have a hard time talking to people, like, it's been so long, I forgot how to socialize.  Doesn't matter anyway. I've pushed the sh*t he put me through for the first 10 years of our marriage, so far down, that It's now bubbling up and spewing out, making a mess everywhere, including toward people who're not the intended target, so it's hard to keep anyone around, anyway. 

 That is why I wanted the meds.  Part of me wants to be numb to everything so that it doesn't hurt anymore, and the stupid sh*t can just roll off my back.  The other part wants me to feel it all, and be able to remember and recall events for my girls. They mean the most to me and I want to be there for them.

  Then, there's more serious matters. The slicing of a blade against bare skin. Yes, cutting. I know, I know. Shame on you. You have kids, what kind of example are you setting? Well, I've been doing it for so long, that I'd become good at hiding it and none of my kids had a clue, neither did my husband, or anyone else for that matter.  And it turns out, they learned how to do it from other kids at their effing schools! As a matter of fact, my kids have such good friends that care about them, they alerted the counselor, who in turn, contacted me about their mental health.  The counselors have great intentions, but they aren't armed with enough information about mental health and teenagers. I schooled him a bit. I remember the first time I drew blood, thinking, "this is insane, but why does it feel so good?" Sometimes, it was punishment and relieved the pain I'd held for so long and others, it was simply to see the blood that ran through my veins, proof I was actually alive.  We have a pact that we'll talk to someone if we're thinking about doing it, and it's a trusted friend. I really don't have anyone, but instead of acting on it as my emotions are running high, I hold the blade in my hand, take a few deep breaths, and force myself to put down the razor. I force myself to look at my reflection. When I see the pathetic person staring back, I realize, the damage has already been done, internally, I needn't wear it on the outside too.

 I just feel so alone, sad, and so lonely, and you guys who are reading this, you are my lifeline to the outside world.  I seriously hope this reaches, helps, whatever, just one person. 

While you're out there, in the world, can you do me a favor? Smile at a random someone. Give a stranger a compliment. They could be someone like me, who really just needs a touch of human kindness. It may just save someone's life. You don't know what happens behind closed doors. That person who's smiling, their eyes might show their pain; they might be barely holding it together, and your compliment...it might just be what they need to keep from jumping.

Thanks for being here for this installation of "This B*tch Is Seriously F**ked Up".  Hope to see you again.