Dear Misguided Brain

2/3/2019

F*ck the world! I'm invisible.

I can speak and they look right through me without acknowledgement. Within minutes, someone will ask a question pertaining to the subject, in which, I'd just spoken and then they will argue that I hadn't mentioned anything of that topic. OR they literally act like I'm not here until they need something.  This definitely contributes to my depression. When someone repeatedly tells you that you're a bad seed, eventually, you believe them. It's the same basic principle. 

It's seriosuly difficult trying to raise responsible adults when, as children and teenagers, they don't listen or they'll often completely ignore you. I've taken every privilege from them and they start threatening to end their lives. WTH?!  To them, it's a threat and everyone is doing it. To me, it's serious. You know, I've gotten call from the school stating that a "friend" had been concerned for my kid's well being and since they were alerted, had to contact me after speaking to my kid. So, the children are obviously discussing this with their friends. And with so many kids taking their lives before they've started living, it's discerning that society looks the other way after stating that it's a serious issue and we need to talk to our kids. I talk to mine. They know they are safe speaking to me but, let's be honest, they aren't going to tell me everything.  So, now where do I go?  Do I just continue to allow them to walk all over me because I fear that they'll follow through with their threat of death because I took their phone away? Or, do I suspend them for social activities outside the house and force them to do the chores assigned to them? Easier said than done, my friend. We had been in a good place, having a set cleaning schedule, and when a wrench gets thrown into the mix, like someone has a project due or one or more kids get sick, then nothing gets done. I will attend to the children and they do nothing. I fear they'll go into the world and be lazy, arrogant slobs, and it will all come back on me because, let's face it, I'm a married woman, but a single parent.

So then, what about me? I get depressed when they don't do their chores and it's one more thing I'm now forced to do, that I want to self harm or worse. But I don't say these things to them because it will becomes something turned around on me in a future discussion, ie, "Well,  Mama said she cut herself because she had to do the dishes, so that's why I thought it was ok". Get the point?  Kudos, to you, parents that have a huge household and a working system. How do you manage when the system gets thrown out of whack? There's  rarely enough time in the day to get what I need to get done, so adding more means less sleep and that leads to a non happy momma who gets anxious and upset easily. Not making excuses here, just explanations. 

Those are the little stressses. How about being crammed into a tiny apartment  where you all  barely fit and there's just not enough room live or for anyone to have privacy? Breadwinner doesn't make enough for us to even qualify to move to a bigger place, debt continues to stack, and everyone is tired of helping. I, of course get the blame because I haven't worked in 18 years. Well, no one wants to hire me because I can only work a specific set of hours while the girls are at school. Hubby works late shift, so if I'm not here, grandma and grandpa in-law start interfering. I feel like I'm just completely stuck in a permanent catch 22.

Also, trying to explain to someone who doesn't have anxiety and depression, how you feel or why, is exhausting. I try and I try, but I can never get through to him. Just because I'm having a good day or even a good week doesn't mean I'm f*cking cured and I can conquer the world. I know at times he's trying to help by attempting to raise my self confidence, but when I convey to him that it was actually hurting me, he didn't get it and of course, that lead to arguments and me in the bathroom, crying silently.

In the past couple of days, I spoke with him about how I'm feeling and how I have days I don't want to be here anymore. His response is, well, leave. I tell him it's more like, I don't want to breathe anymore and suddenly it's all because I'm pessimistic and need to stop thinking that way. He doesn't realize that it's just the way my brain is. I'm not going to kill myself. If I really wanted to be dead, I'd have done it decades ago. I just want him to try to understand. Then he gets frustrated. He doesn't know that I cry myself to sleep most nights. 

I'm lonely. I miss having friends.  When I try to make new ones, we'll, I'm not good at that. I'll admit closed myself off pretty good because I'm tired of putting forth the effort for them to leave and forget I even existed. I honestly think I closed myself off a long time ago, when my best friend, whom I'd known since the second grade, cut me from his world. He'll probably never know because I never got a chance to tell him, how much he meant to me. He was the one person that could always make me laugh no matter how down I was, never judged me, and would always tell me everything would be ok, even though he warned me about things or people that would break me. I'm a Taurus, and stubborn as hell, learning everything the hard way. I wish I had told him how much I adored him, but I don't think he wants me in his life. I'm too needy and reliant, I guess. 

I've been raising kids since I was thirteen.  My mother was a drunk, so I cared for my siblings, including my four year old youngest sister, before and mainly after school.  My dad worked two jobs, so he wasn't around much. I never got the chance to be a kid, let alone have my own life. Now that these brats are older, I have an opportunity to have an active social life again. I think husband really wants me locked away in solitude only for him because he's afraid my inner wild child will break free and get into trouble or possibly be unfaithful. 

And to round off the list of things complicating my days, I barely sleep. Lately, I've been going into dream state almost as soon as I fall asleep, waking every 2 or so hours, with a quickened heart beat (usually indicating a panic attack) and or from a nightmare. It takes forever to fall back asleep, so I give up and get up.  Now, I'm not sure if I've discussed the dreams yet. If I have, forgive me. If I haven't, I'll get into that soon.  I've had recurring dreams of someone for years,  but in the past, oh idk, let's say 5 years, they've gotten darker and scarier. I die in these dreams, vivid enough to feel real and I'm terrified of the person who's hand I die by. The intuitive and curious person in me wants to confront the person about the issue and see if there's any kind of connection...to see if there is a way to make these damn things go away, because, frankly, I need to get some damn sleep. The scared little bunny part of my wants to never sleep again because then I won't have these dreams. 

Now, the person who resides in these dreams is someone who's hard to come by on most days,  however they would probably be open to hearing me out. However, being that I'm not around people often, I'm afraid of being a big dumb fool and not being able to speak, like the first time I was standing before them. But I do feel this is important and I don't know how to explain that to anyone without them thinking I'm crazy. And seriosuly, the latest series of dreams took place in their house. I've NEVER been in their house,  but someone found me pictures of the interior and it's exactaly as I'd described, which is super f*cking scary. How do I know these things? If I tell this person, will they reject me (big fear of mine, btw) or will they say, let's sit down and get to the bottom of this? Who the hell knows,  but I'm planning on finding out in the very near future.

Although this is very therapeutic since I'm my own best friend, I supposed I should probably cut back on my complaining in future posts. My apologies about that. Everyone likes to judge and I bet there are plenty of people out there ready and willing to judge me based on this. 

Just so you all know, in general, I'm lucky. My kids are decent kids and my husband is a good man. We make ends meet, barely, but have a roof and food.  I'm just here pouting about the bad things instead of bragging about the better days. I will make note to try harder in that department.

Thanks for coming along on the ride today. Best wishes for a good night and a happy day to follow.