Who knows how long I'll write this whole thing. But life is going. Its not good, nor is it bad. Its just dull, ya know. I mean I write about fictional characters and draw whatever pleases me, so quite frankly my imagination is my best friend. Anyways, I can't help but want an extreme emotion to hit me like a train. I was talking to a friend and I got hit with a wet towel, he tells me "Okay Dany, I think you arent in a position to be dating anyone" and at that moment I looked away in kind of one of those "NANI?!?!?" moments in anime. It made me realize that yeah. I'm not in a place to date anyone, but how does one know when they are? Is it dictated by others? If so, thats kind of a shity system. If its determined by yourself, once again. Shity. So my kind of question Is "what do I do?" Ive resorted to witchcraft, and honestly the further I go into it, the more I realize how much sanity I lose. I was in a decent spot before joining the group of friends that is kinda fucked up. They all have issues and go to each other for consolation. I dont want to be a part of the group, because I dont feel like ive had it as bad as them, nor are my issues anything to fret about. I wasn't abused, treated like shit, and these people were. Like......I don't think that's supposed to be what I surround myself with. My issue is that I'm taking advice from someone who is more fucked up than I. Is that a good decision? I dont know. They say everyone is a critic. but can you really be a critic if youre in a worse position? I say the best critics are those that are in a better spot in life. Just me tho. Its kind of what I look for now. to bring people out of the dumps. Like this group is a mess of anxiety attacks, constant crying, drug use, and alcohol consumption. I'm saying this as a grandfather figure. I want to help them, but its like sticking your hand into a thornbush to grab a stray soccerball. Its gonna hurt, but you'll survive. I'm not much of a writer, but recently ive been more open minded with myself, and I think that's good. Now again theres not much to feel so there's no humor, happiness, sorrow, or anything of the sort here. Maybe a bit of shade, but other than that I think I should what feels right. And what I think would be designed from someone in a better position. Anyways, I think that myself going to a therapist is a decent idea, but I'm not that into it yet. I feel like I need to be able to talk about things. I revise everything I write, so no doubt I'll come back a few months later and answer these questions myself. My biggest issue is that I want to help all of them cope, and some cases are easier than others, but I'm not exactly close enough to where I CAN help. I know its practically calling the group a project, but i feel like its a thing I should do, not a thing I have to do. Its like I want to. Its hard to explain. I can't say I agree too much with witchcraft, but I give it a whirl, because thats what consoles every single one of them. They look to it for positivity, its like a religion to them (I know it is, shut up) but it gives them joy, so I don't say anything. Aside from the fixer-upper thing I have going on. I think I am not in a position to date due to the fact that I am not interested in anything. I tried getting into a relationship, came close, but then stepped back, and thought "what then? What do couples actually do? I mean this is someone you have to be able to talk to everyday. or at least when you two are alone together." I realized that I was never ready. I know nothing about what to do. Do I just didn't go on with it. What do they talk about? How do they function? I'm a very touchy person. I'm more in it for the hugs or one person lying down and using the other as a pillow. I dont know. I think a good spot to be in before actually looking again is to have an idea of what to do when in a relationship. They say communication is key, but I hate small talk. I also realize now how many senior quotes i couldve submitted. Oh well, thanks for reading folks.
