Currently 2:48 a.m. December 19th. I am in a position in my life where I dont know EXACTLY what to do at all. To make up for this I've been occupying myself so that anytime someone asks what's up, I can say "oh musical practice is kicking my ass" its kind of a filler. I have another crush and would you believe its actually one that's in the same state as me! WILD. But yeah she's one hell of a fun person to be around. She's not a pushover, I gotta admit when I first met her I thought she hated me (also ive noticed ive been going for the edgy troubled girls, not to say she falls in this category, its just what I've been noticing about myself) but she's just done putting up with peoples shit.
Anyways moving forward, I've been taking a lot of time to reflect. Like actually looking at myself and saying "Alright, what the FUCK do you want out of ____. And how much are you willing to do to achieve it?" And I've had major realizations. First I've realized that a significant other shouldn't be your therapist, they're not there to fix you when you're going through an episode. Rather they are meant to comfort you, but do not take them for granted. They have issues too, it's a matter of communication. Secondly, I realize that I live my life as if I'm in a movie. I have movies expectations on things such as love, growing up, facing problems, etc. I acknowledge that this is a really bad way of looking at things, but what can I say? I'm a kid at heart who wants to live life like in the movies. As a sort of resolution to that, I've started devising plans to make my "movie life" somewhat true. My whole "get an education in a foreign state and live out my life on the east coast" has been modified to "go to community college, transfer, go from there."
Lastly, I think I've been growing to express myself more. Like I've been opening up, and letting my mom into my interests. I mean a few hours ago she went to see me perform in a concert in which I had a solo! I didn't even realize she went until I was done, I got up and immediately got a hug. I was so happy in that moment. I've also learned to be assertive when necessary, for as section leader for my baritones in choir, I have to maintain proper performance etiquette for my peers to follow. I can't say I'm as good at being assertive, but I think being in this position will help me learn. Any changes from Dany one year ago? Honestly other than a few moral changes, I'm still relatively the same guy. I know how I feel about relationships. I know how I feel about myself now that I kind of took a bit of time to relax. I know how I feel about what path in life I want to take. (Bit of anaphora to spice things up.) I also still kind of have this "fixer-upper" complex in which I want to help people get better, mentally at least, and I know its not possible to fix anyone completely. Everyone has issues, I'm just ready to not let whoever is going through a hard time face it alone.
I've learned many things too, and still have much more to learn. I just hope I get to live life the way I want. Possibly with someone who also wants the same. That's about it. I have school in 2 hours, so imma rest a bit.
