Hallucinatory Tribulation Vol. 1 [Anthology]

Worth

I sat huddled on the carpet at the foot of my bed, head leaned against the floor-length window. It was cold from the icy weather and damp with condensation beading from the stark contrast between the indoor and outdoor temperatures. The chill it sent through my body was just enough to keep me from falling victim to the comforting heat pumping through the house.

Perfect.

I didn't want to sleep. Not tonight. Not ever. Never here in this world. Not until it was permanent and my soul could slither from my corpse to observe the maggots helping me become one with the Earth again. Only then would slumber suffice. Until then, it just simply wouldn't do.

I craned my neck at the sound of the door behind me creaking open. My breath hitched and heart skipped. Remaining motionless, as if it would keep my visitor from spotting me, I gradually realized it was nothing more than a draft from the heater kicking off that had cleared the passage.

Sighing, I picked myself off the floor and crept quietly toward the door. Standing in the darkness, I listened for any subtle shift from the home beyond. Satisfied that everything was at rest, my hands carefully pushed the wooden slat until the click of it shutting put me at ease and I could regain my restless position at the window sill.

Replacing forehead against glass, my body shuddered, renewing the false sense of wakefulness. I didn't know at what point they had appeared, but outside in the yard, I could see the familiar faces of the demons that haunted me. The creatures smiled, beckoning me to come join them. Come and see how better it feels; taste the freedom of the other side. Their red and silver eyes, their toothy grins lured me to listen. Their embrace I longed for.

But I couldn't.

I was afraid. Not of the demons. No, I wasn't fearful of what was out there; the terror came from inside. Within these loving walls for a happy family, I trusted not care, but control. Everything was set in place; everyone played their role, and the rest of the world believed their beautiful lie. A lie I couldn't escape.

Please, please come. Be released from your torment. Give in to temptation.

The spindly beast with black skin and sharp features curled a bony finger in my direction. Though its lips didn't move, I could hear the thoughts. When had their minds become mine? When had the creatures I'd imagined in my dreams grown into life? Most importantly, why did I feel such friendly warmth from their presence yet overwhelming emptiness in the company of my family and friends?

I had to decide that my brain was diseased, just like my body, decrepit even in its youth. It wasn't much. It didn't help. But all I had was the self-diagnosed insanity to explain why I was so broken. Days I should have spent coloring in books or acting out childish fantasies with dolls, I had sat alone in an office chair, spinning in circles while I fought away the loneliness that every idea brought me.

Only when I was surrounded by other carefree children did I ever flee these somber emotions that plagued my oddly matured brain. Was it normal for kids to cry longingly with happy memories? To find only sadness in fairy tales? To immediately feel hollow and worthless when the kind strangers left and they must return to their parents? Somehow, I think it can't be so. You're taught to fear the unknown...so why have I always been horrified of the familiar?

The demon forms grew still, but their thoughts flooded my mind. They know what I want. They've always known. How I wished I could have it, could be happy in the deepest reaches of Hell with them where at last life would make sense. Where I wouldn't be tethered to this inhumane agony called humanity. Did I pray? Yes. Oh god, yes, how I've prayed!

When my desperate pleas to a benevolent deity continuously fell upon deaf, ill-compassionate ears, I looked to others. The monsters in my closet, the power I had witnessed in nature, the rich who ruled the world, even the dolls whose all-seeing eyes never slept as they watched me in my bed.