Pain and Pictures

Chapter 19- Lost

"I can't have children."

I was stunned. Not that it was unheard of, I mean, plenty of people can't have kids. But it was how depressed she sounded. Like it had been her one goal in life, then it was ripped away.

I masked my emotions as much as possible. I wanted her to elaborate, so if she thought I felt pity (which I did), I doubted she'd continue. I just nodded and ate my food. She took the hint.

"When I hit puberty, I started having horrible cramps. Far worse than anything I'd been prepared for. I thought it was normal. I mean, everyone dealt with them, so maybe I just had bad ones. Then, when I was 17, they were so bad that I was screaming in pain. My mum took me to the doctor and we discovered that I had endometriosis. Are you familiar?"

I shook my head, I'd heard of it, but I didn't know enough to be familiar.

"Well, basically, I had sores all over the inside of my uterus. I was given medicine and monitored. It wasn't until about two years ago that it got unbearable. I ended up having to have a hysterectomy. I was devastated. All I'd ever wanted was to be a mother. And I'm aware that I'm able to adopt, but it's a severe blow to learn that I will never carry a child. Never feel them kick. Never hold them immediately after they're born......"

She was spiraling. I recognized the clues, it happened to me often. So, I sucked up my own fear, and went in for a distraction.

"I never did tell you why I lost my job, did I?"

She looked at me, grateful, and shook her head no.

"It all started when I  went on an assignment in Detroit. I was following a group of kids around, reporting on gang violence, poverty, and a boost in reconstruction efforts. We were downtown. Our group met with a council member to discuss renovations on their community outreach center."

I had to close my eyes. Talking about it was never easy. I had to take calming breaths to refocus.

"A few buildings away, they had the road blocked off. They were demolishing a building. Apparently it wasn't up to code and couldn't be fixed. Anyway, we'd just started our meeting, when we felt a tremor. Now, I'd never felt an earthquake, but it was my first thought. It wasn't. They'd pushed the trigger to bring the building down. But it didn't stop. The ground just kept shaking. People were screaming, the ceiling started crumbling, then everything went dark. From what I can tell, fibers from the ceiling tiles embedded into my eyes. It hurt like a bitch! But I knew the kids I'd come with were there, I could hear them, I just couldn't see them."

I tried to suppress the tears, but they slid down my face anyway.

"Then the floor gave out. We fell to the next level. Somehow, still not sure if I was lucky or not, but somehow I ended up with a table over me. The legs had buckled just enough that I couldn't move. There was too much shit on top of it too. So I was stuck. All I had was my camera. I'd cradled it while falling and I found myself in the fetal position, clinging to it. I'd turned off my phone for the meeting, but I couldn't move enough to reach it. I still wonder if I had just kept that damn phone on.... So, I waited. The sirens, the screaming, the darkness. It was beyond horrifying. I tried to call out, praying someone would hear me. But there was too much noise. At one point it rained. I was both thankful and upset. My small pocket of protection began to fill with water. I'd been literally dying of thirst, so having water was a blessing. Even though I can't imagine how many chemicals were in the water. Plus I don't really recommend lapping at the ground like a dog, it's disgusting."

Breathe. In and out, in and out.

"But the water building up began to seep in, along with the cold. I could tell I was getting sick, but aside from intentionally drowning myself in two inches of rain water, all I could do was wait to die. After three days, they found me. Burning up with fever and starving. I was in the hospital for two months. Both my legs were broken, my left arm too. I had to have laser eye surgery, and treatment for pneumonia. And after all that, I was told I'd killed those kids."

She gasped. Of course she did.

"Why?! How on Earth could they think that?!"

"Well, apparently there was surveillance video of all of it. Backed up to an outside server, so it was all recorded. According to the police, I pushed the kids out of the way and tried to run, hindering them from escaping. I wasn't charged, there was no way to prove anything. They had my doctor's notes, they knew I'd been blinded. But it didn't matter to my boss. To them, I was a liability. A thing that they could just toss aside because it would reflect badly on them if they kept me on. When I came back to New York, I'd lost my apartment. All my belongings were in storage, that I had to pay a hefty fee to get back. I called Morgan, my only real friend, and asked if I could crash on his couch until I got another job. That was over a year ago. I'm still there. The only work I could get was taking pictures of people like you."

I was exhausted! I hated telling that story. But if I wanted her to open up to me, I needed to be open myself.