extra | e.d.

1

song for this chapter - didn't mean to turn you on by mariah carey
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this break up was probably the worst break up i would ever endure in my lifetime.

at least, that's what i kept telling myself.

he was a soundcloud rapper. but not one that you randomly find on a saturday afternoon and think, "shit, he's so good" and then keep him your little secret until 2 years later the locals discover him and he blows up. 

he was the type that you find and your first thoughts are "...oh. interesting." and then you send your friends a link to his page and just wonder why anyone would tell him to put his music on the internet, even thought there was a decent number of people that enjoyed what he put out.

don't get me wrong, he was pretty nice and i fell pretty hard in the beginning. but his personality was so meh at times. he never showed me real emotion after the first couple months, only when cameras were around.

the breakup, though, that shit was next level.

it was at his "album" release party. i use the world "album" loosely.

one minute i'm his "dream girl" and "the best thing that's ever happened to him" and then the next minute he's making out with a stripper.

no, seriously, she was a stripper. his manager held the party at one of the biggest strip clubs in hollywood.

classy, i know.

but i guess that's what happens when a 25 year old soundcloud rappers manager sets him up to date a growing social media influencer because she's "peaking right now" and will be "really great for exposure."

in that moment, i told myself that i was never going to date again. at least until i was like, 32. it just wasn't worth it. every guy my age ended up fucking me over and after so many tries, it got tiring. so i just figured why keep putting myself through all of that stress?

i told myself to focus on school, so that i could have a good future. that was something that always scared me, the future. just the fear of the unknown. what if things didn't go my way? what if everything fell apart and i had no back up plan?

to be completely honest, i don't think social media will be my job for the rest of my life. at least i hope it isn't. not to say that i'm not grateful for my following, because i am. i am so incredibly grateful for it, but social media is a blessing just as much as it is a curse.

people in my generation don't know how to have a conversation. or even start one for that matter. with social media, it's so easy to just sit and hide behind a screen and put out this false persona, to make it seem like you live a flawless, extravagant life. it's so fucking stupid.

ew, i sound like a mom. but it's true.

with that being said, i can't rely on social media to pay my bills when i'm 45 like i do now. it's just not realistic. that's why i'm so determined and have made it a priority to get my degree.

anyways, from then on, i vowed not to date anymore, at least not right now.

especially not someone in the industry.

-

i was laying on my bed editing a photo, it was a shot that my best friend brandi took a couple days ago. our college is located next to this beautiful park in downtown la, therefore it's always a good place for a photo op.

the photo was of me, wearing a white cropped sweater and black adidas track pants with the classic three white stripes down the side. i was looking back while my mini quilted chanel backpack hung from my shoulder.

people always say to me, "you have 1 million followers, how do you go to college while being so famous?"

"famous" isn't a word i like. it puts me in this bubble that disassociates me with "normal" people, and i hate that. i hate labels.

but to answer that question, i just do.

the thing about people in la, like, people born and raised here, really don't care. they're used to seeing the world's most famous actors and singers just out and about, so by the time they're 18 years old and in college, it's just normal. most people don't really get starstruck unless it's the one person that they stan the most. and since i'm just an "instagram celebrity" (another label that i absolutely hate), it's really not a big deal.

i decided on three photos to post, when my manager, victoria, entered my room.

"i just got you a brand deal! well, sort of," she said as she sat down on the edge of my mattress.

"oh did you? with who?" i looked up from my phone to see that she was holding her laptop close to her, which she usually only did when she had something big to tell me.

"now, i don't want you to freak out." fantastic way to start this conversation.

"victoria," i began, but i was quickly cut off.

"just hear me out." she begged.

i let out a smile sigh. "go for it." i said, as i went back to my phone, still listening while simultaneously deciding on a caption.

school szn? no too basic. oops, didn't see ya there? that's stupid, because i'm clearly looking at the camera in all of these.

"i know you don't typically like to collab on youtube videos, especially with people you don't know," victoria began, not making eye contact with me. it was almost like she was nervous to tell me whatever she had to say.

"but i think this would be really good for your engagement and it would also boost your following. i've been talking back and forth with their team for a couple weeks now and we think this would be really good for you guys."

"v, will you just tell me who it is?" i turn back to phone while still listening, getting slightly annoyed that she won't just tell me. i decided on no caption (because honestly, who really cares) and hit the "post" button as victoria started to speak again.

"it's ethan dolan."

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✫*

hi i'm actually really excited for this story!! don't forget to vote and tell me what you think n i'll update soon <3

xox