Random Thoughts

Falling

I'm falling.

Each day a bit more.

I'm losing.

Every hour, every minute.

But you don't know.

Faking a smile became such an easy thing.

I'm so used to hide my feelings.

You have no clue about how hard I am hurting inside.

You probably wouldn't even believe it.

If I was honest with you, for a second, for a moment,

I'd tell you that I am dying inside for sometimes now.

I could tell you about these voices.

These voices.

You don't hear them.

You don't know they exist.

But truth is they never leave me.

They never stop killing me.

They keep telling me how horrible I am.

They keep telling me how unhappy I should be.

They reminding me that I am not enough.

I will never be.

They're here to remind me that there's an easy solution to all of this.

If I do this, I'll finally be free.

I won't be tired.

I won't be sad.

I won't have to fake anything.

I'll just be free.

Isn't it what I want after all ?

I fight, every freaking day.

I fight to survive.

But you don't know that.

You probably never will.

Why would you ?

So you could feel bad for me ?

So you could worry ?

What's the point ?

I can't deal with my life, that's not a valid reason for me to give you my pain.

Isn't it better if one of us is actually truly happy ?

You deserve all this happiness.

You deserve to never know this voice.

And if, for this, I have to keep all this pain for myself then that's okay.

I'll handle it.

I'll live.

Somehow.

Maybe I'll lost myself at some point.

But as long as you're fine, then that's okay.

Because knowing that you're fine is the last thing making me holding on.