Another Reason To Live (Watty Awards 2014)

Chapter 30 - Epilogue

Chapter 30 – Epilogue:

You know that feeling?

When you want to pause life and just savor the moment?  It can be anywhere – at a concert, or with friends, or travelling somewhere, anywhere.  Because this moment right now, I would pause it forever if I could.

My feet hung over the edge of the roof, swinging slightly.  Because of the movement, they would occasionally bump into Gerard’s foot. 

I looked at the white clouds above me, spotting the sky every few miles.  It was sunny enough to keep our surroundings well lit, but it was late enough in the evening so we weren’t being burnt into a crisp.  Lowering my gaze, I could make out the front door to Gerard’s house.

It was an odd feeling, being back at the school.  Not only because I had graduated a week and a half ago, but there was a bigger reason.  Several months ago, I was in this exact same spot, ready to throw myself off the edge of this very roof, ending my life.  I thought back to all of the problems I had (and still have) and how much they weighed me down: my family, the bullies, school, the lack of friends, the devastation of losing my biological family.

In regards to my family, things seemed to be turning the corner.  After the dinner at my house, my mother seemed vaguely impressed with Gerard’s ambitions for art school.  She probably assumed that he wanted to dive into the drug business right after high school.  My dad seemed happy for me that Gerard walked into my life, as did Noah.  Whenever his name is spoken at my house now, there’s no uncomfortable silence or unpleasant facial expressions from my mother.  It would take some time, but I think she’s finally starting to accept him.

The bullies that harassed Noah and I throughout school had a little taste of poetic justice.  The night of graduation, there was a huge bust at a party thrown by one of the graduates.  There were supposedly fifty kids there, and thirty-seven of them received MIPs.  Three of those MIP recipients were the bullies, one of whom lost a full-ride football scholarship to the University of Michigan.  Suckers.

On the topic of school, I’ve felt so much happier now that high school is over.  I don’t have to stress about homework or my peers anymore.  And because of that, I’ve decided to take the year off of school to decide what I want to do.  The idea of studying to become a counselor has come to mind more than once, specifically focusing on LGBT clients.  But that isn’t an official plan yet.  During the summer, I’ve made plans with Noah to go with him to Hollywood so he can see the sights.  He also somehow managed to score tickets to The Ramones supposed “final performance”, and he wanted to take me.  The only other solidified plan this summer I had was to go to New York with Gerard to look at where his school will be, where his apartment will be, and just to see what we can see.

Yes, Gerard fully committed to going to art school in New York.  A few days after I graduated, his dad took him and Mikey there for a weekend so they could look around for places to rent out. 

But pushing all of those concerns aside, here I was, back where I started: on the roof of my fucking high school.  Yet things were drastically different.  I had a wonderful guy in my life who I can give credit to for saving my life.  I was happy and I was looking forward to determining what I do with my life.  I was no longer afraid of who I was or the baggage I carried with me. 

Gerard taught me that it’s okay to be different, that it’s okay to be broken and to hurt.  Hurt and anger and fear are all emotions that validate that I’m human, that I’m alive.  Life is a gift and it can be easily taken away.  Humans are so damn fragile, if you think about it.  If you mix together the right microscopic beings and put them in your body, you could die inside twenty-four hours.  As I sit on the edge of this roof, looking down at the ground where my body could’ve been several months ago, instead of wanting to jump off, I want to swing my feet more and enjoy the day.