Saving Noel

Benjamin

"I hate to be like this, but Benjamin, you look like something my dog threw up."

Benjamin narrowed his eyes at Gerrie. She batted her long lashes at him while she bounced Holly. It was the baby that saved her from the sharp side of his tongue. He stared into his coffee cup and sighed. Who was he kidding? His tongue was all sharp sides since he'd learned about Noel's disappearance three days ago. Tomorrow would make a week since she went missing.

"Dang, you're bad off if I can't get a rise out of you," his friend said, shifting the baby to her other shoulder while she reached across the table to grab his coffee. Her nose wrinkled in distaste as she sniffed its contents. "And you're drinking dark roast. It's the end."

"Gerrie," Benjamin groaned. He knew what she was doing- trying to make him laugh. But his face felt like plaster, the mold set in a permanent worried frown.

"Benji, you've got to snap out of this."

He took his coffee from her and chugged the bitter brew. Bits of granules stuck to his tongue, and all he tasted was dirt. Gas station coffee was better than this mess. Grimacing, he pushed back in his chair and walked across the shop. He dumped the dark roast urn. It was just as he suspected, filled with black bits of granules. Thankfully, he was the only who'd had a cup from this pot.

Another winter storm was crossing the mountains, this one possibly worst than the one last week. For Benjamin, it would certainly be worse, and the weather would have little to do with it.

"Will you flip the sign to closed?" Benjamin asked Gerrie. With incoming inclement weather, the place was empty. Earlier in the day, people had stopped by, ordering multiple drinks to take with them while they shopped. He'd dutifully put in the numbers, and he was surprised by the money coming in. A few days ago, he would've been thrilled, but now, he wondered if it mattered.

Gerrie did as asked, but after locking the door, she jumped right back in on the lecture. "What does your moping do to help Noel?"

He slammed the pot on the counter, the fragile glass inside shattering. Holly wailed, and Gerrie glared at him while she patted the infants bottom and made shushing noises.

"If you're about to launch into the speech about how I barely knew her, and it doesn't make sense to be so attached, you can just take it to the street. The sheriff already beat you to it."

"That is not at all what I was going to say, you thickheaded man child," Gerrie fumed. "You don't think I know a little something about instant connection with someone? I knew the moment I laid eyes on Levi that he was it."

"Was that before or after you hopped in the sack with him?"

"For your information, before. His...performance simply confirmed what I already knew."

Benjamin shuddered, but the ghost of a smile played at his lips. "Most guys would be completely put off by having this talk with their ex girlfriend."

"But you're not most guys," Gerrie said, lowering the infant into her car-seat. "And that's the difference here."

"You already got her back to sleep... You're a great mother," Benjamin said, pausing to stare at his goddaughter. His chest tightened, and his eyes prickled. What would it be like to have a child of his own?

"Thank you. That means a lot. Most days I'm just praying I keep her alive. I don't know what I'm going to do when I actually have to start worrying about the important stuff. Like school and dating."

"I have no doubt you'll excel," he said, returning to the task of dismantling the espresso machine for its nightly cleaning.

She gazed tenderly at Holly, her voice gentle as she spoke. "I already know that I want her to believe in finding the one. I want her to have what Levi and I have. What I think you and Noel have. I felt it that day in the shop, and I saw it in the hospital."

Benjamin pressed his palms against the counter top as he struggled to hold himself together. A knot was welling up in his center, growing and threatening stretch him until he shattered. "What we had."

"You don't know that," Gerrie insisted. "The best thing you can do for her right now is be positive. Believe she's going to be found, and she's going to be okay. There is no way a girl with her past is going to give up that easily. She's a fighter."

"If they would just let me help."

"Help with what? You don't have any authority. If they put together a search party, you'll be there. Just keep doing what you're doing. Providing the police officers with food and drinks."

"Sure."

"Benjamin. This isn't like you. Please tell me this isn't bigger than not being able to help." Gerrie stepped behind the counter, her arms folded over her chest. Her jaw was tight, and her brows were knitted together.

"What do you want me to say?" he hissed. He peeked over at Holly to make sure they weren't waking her. "That I feel guilty as hell? He was in the store, damn it."

"You didn't know!" Gerrie slapped her hands over her mouth, and her wide eyes followed his. They both sighed when the baby didn't stir. Her hands dropped slowly, and she spoke so low he hand to lean forward to catch what she said next. "Your father is in your head again. Get him out."

"He's right."

"No, Benjamin, he isn't." She put her hands around his waist and rested her head on his chest. He didn't return the hug, but he didn't push her away.. "Ever since your mother left, he's treated you like garbage. Made you believe she left because of you. But it was him. He didn't become an angry, alcoholic overnight. He drove her away. Not you."

The knot expanded further, and he finally broke. In a voice like a small child's, he asked the question he'd always been too afraid to ask. "But why didn't she take me with her? If I'm not all the things my father says I am, why did she leave me behind?"

"Oh Benji," Gerrie said, tightening her grip. He felt her tears seep through the thick material of his sweater. Only then did he wrap his arms around her and let his own tears fall. Tears for Noel. Tears for his friend. But most importantly, for the first time, tears for himself.