Insight into the Mind of Mine

Chapter 7: Darkness Ensues

During my time of depression, a lot of things happened. For starters, I started withdrawing myself from my normal spheres of influence. I thought about suicide. I also got back together with Gabby for a short while. All of this stuff was bad. Let's begin with what happened in the immediate aftermath. After we initially broke up, I became severely depressed to the point of having suicidal thoughts, but I never got close to acting upon them. I was looking for an outlet for my feelings. I thought about spilling out everything to my mom, but then I realized that I would be in a huge amount of trouble on top of being depressed because of all of the things Gabby and I did. My parents probably would not have been able to trust me at all, so I kept it a secret (I still do to this day). I did eventually find an outlet, but some other things happened first. One of the biggest things that happened was me questioning my sexuality. I was starting to wonder if women were the right thing for me. The problem with this was that I didn't find men to be attractive in any way possible, but I had a notion in my head to try it anyways. This would not be until later in the year. The outlet I was talking about before came from a friend that was right in front of me the whole time. There was this girl in my first period Spanish class named Jane (that isn't her real name, but she requested that I not use it for privacy reasons). She sat right across from me. I had never actually talked to her before, though I did know her because she moved here when I was in sixth grade. Anyways, I started to talk to her more and more, and we eventually established a friendship. I didn't once talk to her about my problems, but when we talked, I forgot all about my sorrows. She had a way of bringing the best out of people. She was always cheery and outgoing, it was a nice change up from the people I usually hung out with. We even started to walk to school together sometimes. She would always walk with her cousin Mariah to school. They would always cut down this alley way on the route I used in order to walk to school. That school year I made one of my closest friends. Near the end of the school year, around the beginning of May, my friend Jordan, that I mentioned before, and I started to talk a lot. We had always talked quite often, but I noticed a steady increase of interaction between us. I don't exactly know why that was, but I turned into something a little more. I remember that day. I was sitting in my room playing my Xbox One. I was playing Call of Duty: Black Ops 3. I was texting with Jordan in between multiplayer games. It started off normal, but it started to get an undertone. I could tell Jordan wanted to tell me something because of the way he was asking about my relationship status. At the time, I was really infatuated with Jane, but I still had a little suspicion that I might be gay. I told Jordan about how I was single. He then said that he wanted to ask a question, but then said' "Never mind." I was curious as to what he wanted to say (because I am a nosy and curious individual, which is one of my biggest down falls), so I kept on picking at it until he finally did. He reluctantly told me. He asked if he could "mess around with my dick." I was really surprised by this. Jordan never struck me as one to be into that stuff, but then he told me that he was just curious about that kind of thing because he didn't know if he was into guys. We talked about it for a little bit, and I said I would do it because of that tiny shred of thought in my head. We scheduled this to go down next week while his brother and parents were not home. I waited for the week to roll around until it was the day we made the plans for. I was a little nervous, but not as nervous as normal because of all of the sexual interactions Gabby put me through. I rode my bike down to Jordan's house and pulled around the side of his house in the alley way. I dismounted my bike and walked to his white-picketed fence gate. I undid the latch, and slipped through the gate. I walked up the concrete stairs to his back door. I knocked very lightly on the door, somewhat rethinking my decision, but ultimately putting my worries aside. I could hear Jordan coming down his stairs inside. I heard the floor creak as he walked towards the door. He paused at the door for a second and opened it. He greeted me with his normal smile, but I could tell he was nervous. He was lightly shaking. He stepped outside. He asked me if we could do this in his tree house. I said okay, and we both climbed up the ladder to his tree house. When we got up there, I saw just how open it was. You could pretty much see everything, even with the blankets he had draped over the sides where the wood railings were. I told him that I wasn't comfortable doing that up there, but he said that he was still a little nervous and wanted to wait a bit. I understood where he was coming from, so I said ok, and we played a couple hands of Uno. After about the fourth game, I asked him if he wanted to do it now. He agreed, and said we could go up to his room. We both climbed down from the tree house and walked inside his house and up to his room. We both sat down and initiated some small talk, followed by Jordan asking me if it was really okay to do this. I said it was. He then said okay, and thought for a minute. He told me to just take off my shorts, so he could ease into this slowly. I did as he said; I unbuckled my belt, pulled down my shorts, and sat down. Jordan looked at me for a minute and then said he would close his eyes as I took off my briefs, so he closed his eyes, and I slipped off my briefs and laid them on top of my shorts. I sat back down and told him that they were off. He slowly opened his eyes, and looked down at my penis. It was flaccid at the time, so he was just looking at it. He asked me what he should do first. I told him that if he wanted to give me a blowjob, he would have to get my hard first. He nodded and slid his hand down there and wrapped his hand around my cock. He started by stroking it slowly. He was really shaking during this. He was still slowly stroking until I was fully erect. He saw this and asked if it was okay to start giving me a blowjob to which I said it was. He then asked if he could do it under a blanket. I dissuaded him from doing so because I didn't want him to feel ashamed, and I needed to know if I actually liked the sight. He understood my point, and moved in front of my as I spread my legs. He got level with my penis, and I could feel his warm breath on it. It made my penis twitch. He got right into it then. He put a good portion of my dick in his mouth on the first time he went down. He tried to go really fast, but I told him to stop that because every time he went down his teeth would scratch my tip, and it was really starting to hurt. I told him to go slower. He did that for a while and then took my dick out of his mouth. I put his head down lower and started to suck on my testicles. He did that for a minute or so, and then sat up. He looked at me and said, would you mind touching mine? I thought about it for a second and thought, "We have already gone this far." I said sure, so he told me to turn around while he took off his shorts. I did so, and didn't turn back around until he sat beside me and tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and looked down; he was covering his penis with his hands. He removed his hands, and let me see it. His was way different than mine. It had a pretty large girth to it, and was a bit smaller than mine. He said that we could jerk each other off, and that's what we did. He put my cock in his hand, and I put mine in his. It was weird to feel someone else's penis. Even though I was a guy, and I had held mine a lot, this felt different. It was really hard but soft at the same time, and it was really warm too. His was also different from mine because he was fully circumcised. I was used to touching mine because I have a partial circumcision. But we jerked each other off for a little while until Jordon asked me if I could blow him. I was reluctant to do so, but I felt obligated to do so since he had already blown me. I moved my head down to his tip, and slowly started to take it in my mouth. It tasted a little salty as I put it in. It was really hard to go up and down because of his girth. My mouth was not wide enough to take on the girth. I continued to suck him off, periodically stopping to take in air. I eventually stopped when Jordan said that he wanted to finish me off and make me cum. I told him the best way to do that was to just jerk me off because I wasn't really enjoying the feeling or sight of him blowing me, but I didn't tell him that. He kept on slowly stroking me until I said I was close. When I told him that, he sped up until I eventually felt the orgasm coming on. I came all over my legs and the hand he was using to stroke me with. I reached for a tissue box he had so that I could clean myself up. After I did, I knew Jordan wanted me to finish him off so he could feel what an orgasm feels like. I didn't want to because after I came, my sex drive went down to zero, but once again I knew I had to because it wouldn't have been fair. I finished cleaning myself up, and moved back over to Jordan. I began to suck him off again. I did that for as long as I could and then sat up and started to jerk him off until he came. I told him to tell me when he was close so I had a fair warning. I kept jerking him until he said he was close, and then he stopped me and said that he wanted to do it. So I stopped and started to clean of the cum that was still leaking from my penis. He took the red solo cup that I used to put the dirty tissues in and came in it so that he didn't make a big mess, and so that it was an easy cleanup. We both redressed, and I asked to use his bathroom. I went to his bathroom to wash my hands. I exited the bathroom, and told Jordan I was going to go home. He told me thank you for letting him do that. I told him, "You are welcome" and then left, got on my bike, and rode on home. I got home and brushed my teeth; I couldn't stand the overwhelming salty taste in my mouth. What I learned from that, was that I definitely was not gay because I didn't really like that.