Our Ana | Kate & Ana & Christian

Chapter 27

Kate's Pov;

Ana stares at the flames as they flicker in the fireplace. It's a welcome distraction from the news reporters on TV trying to make sense of Christian's helicopter crash and his sudden disappearance. I can see shes shaking, so I wrap a blanket around her shoulders. I can't tell if she's shaking from the cold or if it's her bodies way of coping with the emotional pain that's been brought on her. Christians entire family has gathered at the apartment now, all of us waiting on news of where he could be or what has happened to him. There's a search party and plenty of speculation, but no news yet. Ana has this blank stare in her eyes as she watches the fire. I can tell she's thinking the worst, we all are, but I try to remain optimistic for her. "He will be back." I tell her, forcing my voice to sound steady and sure even though I am anything but. Ana says nothing. I can see the thoughts circling her brain, the moments with Christian becoming memories of someone she may never get to see again. Tears flow over in her eyes and trickle down her face like rain falling down a window pane. I wrap my arms around her and pull her up into my lap, holding her tightly. I cradle her, trying my best to soothe her. I comb through her hair with my fingertips, slow and steady. I plant soft gentle kisses on the top of her head and down to her temple. Her lips glisten with wetness from her tears. I want to kiss the tears away, but I know I can't. From now if Christian doesn't return every time I kiss her it'll be a reminder of him. When I hold her she'll be wishing it was him. She'll think of his arms around her. She'll think of his smile, of his laugh, of his heartbeat beneath her fingertips. If he doesn't make it she'll never be the same. My Ana will be gone. Lost without him. She won't smile the same. She won't giggle the same. She won't love the same, not without the missing piece of her heart. There is no Ana without Christian. She'd be hollow, a hopeless echo of the women she was. Just as I am coming to this realization, I can see she is too. If she wasn't sure before she is now. He's the one. The one she can't live without, the one she needs the most, the one she loves beyond reason. When she turns to me her eyes are no longer empty, they're filled with agony. "I can't do this anymore. I can't imagine a life without him, Kate. He's the one." She breaks into sobs collapsing in my arms. I know what she means without her having to say it. What we had is over. She doesn't have to tell me much she loves me, or say any last goodbye. I'm not going anywhere, but Christian might be gone forever. What we had was very real and loving and perfect, but Christian is the love of her life. Even if he never returns he will always be the one, not me. If he does make it back I know exactly what she'll do. She'll marry him and have babies with him and spend the rest of her life loving him with every fiber of her being and I will go back to being her best friend. Our love for each other will always be somewhere deep down beneath the surface, never to be brought to life again. I don't know who I'll be or who I'll love without her, but I know she'll have him and the thought makes me smile. I love her enough to want that for her even at the expense of losing her and I know she wants the same for me. I just don't know my happiness will look like if it is no longer her clear blue eyes and sweet smile. I continue to hold her as she weeps, the whole room feels distant from us. We're in our own little bubble. I hear the elevator ping and the commotion that follows and a weight is lifted from my shoulders as I realize what it means. Christian is here, he's alive and well. It's my time to go. I stroke her hair one last time. "Christian's here." I whisper in her ear, but she doesn't respond. I stand up and lean in towards her, wanting nothing more than to kiss her lips just one more time. I know she wants it too, I can see the disappointment in her pained eyes when I kiss only her forehead. I love you, Anastasia. I leave without looking back, without saying a word, without another thought.

I don't notice until I'm out the door and crouched in the corner of the apartment lobby that I'm crying. The tears come down unrelenting and I let them, no longer caring about sparing anyone's feelings. There's no one here to watch me. No one to witness my pain, no one but myself. I think about our last night together in this very apartment. If I had known it was my last night with her I would've done so much more. I would kissed her slower, I would've held her closer, I would've made love to her a million more times If I could. Every moment we shared flashes before my eyes. All the way back to the day I met her, all our late night study dates and takeout in college, all the small displays of affection between us before we ever even kissed. The smallest things hurt the most, they leave the deepest scars. I sob into my hands, feeling as if my heart has been split in two. "Kate?" Elliot's voice brings me back to the here and now. I look up from my hands and he's staring down at me. He holds his arms out to me and I jump up and fall into them. "I love her so much." I sob into his shoulder. He holds me, not saying a word. I know tonight hasn't been easy for him either. He thought he lost his brother. He almost did. I can't imagine what I would do if I were in his position, the fear of losing Ethan would break me. I pull myself together and stop crying. When I step back out of his arms I wipe my eyes. "Do you want to go with me for a drink? We could both use it after the night we've had." I nod weakly and follow him out to his car. We go for drinks at a bar just a few blocks away. The place is mostly empty but we stay for several rounds. He listens as I tell him everything, everything that happened between Ana and I. He lets me tell him, without any interruptions. I've never seen him be so serious. Usually he'd be cracking jokes about threesomes and hot lesbian action. There's none of that tonight. It makes me see him in an entirely different light. Maybe there's more to Elliot than anyone knows. He's had his fair share of heartbreak, likely by my hands, I find it comforting that we both know the same kind of pain. He walks me out after and while we wait for a cab I find him staring down at me. He leans in suddenly and I close my eyes as he kisses me slow and sweet. When he pulls away our eyes connect and there's a burning question in his eyes. "No." I mutter, answering his unspoken question. I don't want to get back together. The loss of Ana's love does not change how I feel about him. Nothing will. I didn't feel anything when he kissed me, nothing more than his lips on mine. He nods softly, then turns back to look at the empty street. We wait for our cab together in a mutual state of drunken, and exhausting deep sadness. Then we go home alone.