Our Ana | Kate & Ana & Christian

Chapter 21

Christian's Pov;

I leave Leila with Dr.Flynn. I know she's in good hands with him and that there's not much more I can do for her. I still feel awful leaving her. I'm overcome with guilt after all that I've seen today. Leila in Ana's apartment with a gun, Leila naked and covered in dirt when I bathed her. Those moments will be burned in my brain for a long time, possibly forever. When I get in the car Taylor informs me that Ana didn't go back to Escala. She went to a bar for drinks with Kate. I want to yell at him, better fire him, but I know that won't solve the problem. Ana's out there somewhere, angry and hurt, and with Kate getting drunk. I'm brooding all the way home, my insides torn at the possible scenarios currently happening between the two women at the bar. Shit. What if Ana leaves me? What if Kate is with her right now, convincing her that that's the right choice. Ana's in a very vulnerable state right now, we all are a bit shaken up, but Kate wouldn't take advantage of that. At least I hope she wouldn't. I won't know until I hear from Ana and I have no guess for when that'll be since I have no way of contacting her. Her purse and cell phone were left in the apartment when she left and now I have them with me. When I get inside my apartment I take a seat at the breakfast bar. Gail has cooked dinner, but I'm not interested. My appetite has disappeared with Ana. Until she shows up all I can do is worry. The nagging thought of her and Kate out getting drunk, having a repeat of their last drunken night out, is upsetting to me. I find Taylor and order him to go check if Ana's still at the bar and if she is to wait for her until she comes out so he can bring her back to me. It take's a while, a long while, of just me alone, waiting in silence. But eventually Taylor returns with Ana. The elevator pings open and Ana shuffles into the living room, her expression sulky. At least she's here, for that I'm relieved. "Anastasia!" I call her name louder and harsher than I intended to, my anger bubbling out without my consent. I don't want to fight with her, but I have a feeling that's exactly what I'm about to do. "Where have you been? I was worried sick!" She steps back away from me as I approach and I can tell by the look in her eyes she's drunk. She's not over the top drunk as I feared, but she's drunk enough for me to be angry about it. I don't even want to know her drink to eat ratio because I've got a good feeling I already know it. Several drinks and no eating. "Are you drunk?" She shrugs, looking away. "You were supposed to come back here. I wanted you to be here when I got home." I spit the words at her, more accusing than I should be. She never agreed to do anything I say, in fact she rarely does what I say, I should be able to handle the frustration her disobedience causes. "I just went for a few drinks with Kate. You're the one who was in my apartment with your ex." She's angry, just as much as I am. I don't know why that surprises me. I stare at her, feeling a little confused. What exactly does she think happened while she was away? Does she really think so low of me to think I'd sleep with Leila in the condition she was in, let alone in her apartment? "Where's Leila? Did you bring her back here?" Ana looks around, then settles on me. "What? No. Leila is in the psychiatric hospital. I had Flynn help her get admitted." I hope my clarification will make her stop looking at me in such an accusatory way, but it doesn't. She stands her ground, not softening in the slightest. "What, Ana?" I press her for answers and she finally caves. "I'm not going to be enough for you. I can't be what you need. You need someone like Leila. Someone who can submit to you fully all the time, every moment of the day. And I just can't. I can't do this anymore." My scalp tingles hearing her words. She's leaving. I can feel her slipping away. I was stupid to think she could ever love me, not now that she knows I'm a monster. "Please Ana. Please don't say that. I love you." She shakes her head, lips parted as if she's trying to say something but can't find the words. I do the only thing I can think to do to make her stay. I grab her hands and drop to my knees, both knees, not just one. I can't support myself anymore. I feel like the air has been kicked from my lungs. My chest aches with pain, a pain that I try to shut out. It overcomes me. She looks beautiful from this angle, from every angle, I think about this as she looks down at me. I can't lose her. I don't want to live without her. I focus on her face, trying to find the strength to go on. "Christian." She says my name pulling me back to the surface out of the depths of my despair. I know what I have to do to keep her. I've known it all along. "Marry me." The words tumble out without any true emotion. It's all I can do to just say it. I have to hope it's enough. "Marry me, please." I squeeze her hands as she stares down at me, mouth agape. "Christian!" She drops to her knees in front of me, to sit at eye level with me. She hasn't said yes. She's not saying yes. Panic rises in my chest, stronger than before. I've read her all wrong. She doesn't want to marry me, she never could. I'm her first boyfriend. She'll have plenty more after me then she'll find the one she wants to marry. She'll leave me alone. "Christian stop.  You don't have to do this. I'm not leaving you, I promise. But I won't marry you. Not yet. I love you but I can't marry you so please just stop." I try to focus on the good. She's said she loves me. She's said she won't leave. She also said she won't marry me. It's hard not to dwell on that part. "I don't understand why you want me so badly. Why you love me. But I know I feel the same for you. That's why I want to try. I will keep trying, no matter what, but I need you to talk to me. I need you to tell me what's going on inside because I don't understand the darkness inside you. I can't help you if you can't show me what to fix." When I don't say anything she reaches her hand up to my face. She wipes away tears I didn't know where there as some of her own begin to fall. She kisses me and her lips are so soft and comforting. I need her and by some miracle she's here for me. She needs me too. I take her hand and guide it to my chest, just over my heart. I'm all her's. I have been for a long time and someday I'll make her all mine, but not today. She said no. She's not going to agree to marry me, not tonight at least, but there's always hope for tomorrow. With her I never run out of hope. "Ana, I'm a sadist. I know I lied about it before and that was wrong, but I don't like to think of myself that way. It's the worst part of myself. I like inflicting pain on women, women like Leila. Women like my birth mother. I don't want to be this way, but I am. When you left I knew I could never hurt you like that again. I never would want to, not if it meant losing you." She looks at me almost in disbelief. "So I'm right. I can't be what you need, not really." She looks down, defeated. "No! You can be. You are. I talk with Dr.Flynn about it as often as I can. I'm trying. I'm really trying to change. I want to change. I never want to hurt you not like I've done to women in the past. I never want anyone or anything to hurt you. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Ana sighs, taking my hand and holding it tight. "You know, that wasn't a very romantic proposal." She gives me a small smile and I am flooded with relief. "I know. I'm sorry. I'll try again later." Her smile deepens. She wants hearts and flowers and I intend to give her just that. I just need a little time to map out all the details and she needs some time to think. "Come. You need to eat." I help her to her feet and lead her into the kitchen. She takes a seat on a bar stool and her pout returns. "What?" I ask, shuffling through the fridge to find our uneaten dinner Gail prepared. "I'm not hungry." She states. I pop the macaroni and cheese dish into the microwave. "Too late. I'm already warming up dinner." She groans, and I'm delighted by the sound. This is so normal for us, so calming after the drama of the day. "What happened when you and Kate left the apartment?" I ask, turning to face her as our dinner rotates in the microwave behind me. "I already told you. Kate and I had drinks across the street." She answers normally, no emotions left boiling inside. At least for now we're both calm and serene. "Yes I know. What else? Besides the drinking?" I press for more information and she frowns. "What do you mean what else? You think Kate and I ran off for some recreational girl on girl action somewhere while you we're caring for Leila?" She's starting to get angry. I have to be careful of what I say next. I don't want another fight. "Of course not." Well, I did a little, somewhere in the back of my mind. I wouldn't put it past Kate. I have a feeling she might be more sexually deviant than I am, and she certainly shares my inability to keep her hands off Ana. "I just meant how was it? The drinking?" Ana snorts and I hear the microwave sound off loudly and unpleasantly. "The drinking was fine, Christian. Most drinking is. We sat in a window seat and watched the apartment from the window." She answers me cooly, a hint of annoyance in her quiet voice. I turn and get the hot macaroni and cheese from the microwave. "What'd you do with Leila? While I was gone?" I nearly drop the hot bowl of mac-n-cheese at her question. "Well, um..." I'm at a loss for words, nervous of her reaction. "We talked. Mostly I talked, not so much her." I have to be honest, but do I have to give all the details? "I bathed her, dressed her, fed her, then sent her on her way with Dr.Flynn." I try to breeze through the details, but I know Ana doesn't miss a thing. "Okay." I look at Ana, waiting for more, but no more words come out. I take a bite of my dinner, not caring that it's burning hot. I might have put it in too long. I can't believe someone as brilliant as Ana is with a man who can't even operate a microwave correctly. It's embarrassing. "I need to go to bed." Ana announces, then she gets up and leaves the room without having even a bite of her dinner. Fuck. It's going to take a lot of convincing to get her to marry me, but I'll put in my best efforts to make being with me easier on her. I know I come with a lot of baggage, but I want to believe she's strong enough to carry it.