Not Letting Go

Chapter 1

(If you want to hear some music I have made to go with it, please search Archive of our Own for the story there!)

Kate Marsh stood staring at the door to Max's dorm room. She had meant to knock as soon as she reached it and there she was with a fist ready, but her arm hung still. Doubt held her back. She wanted, no, needed to do this right. She couldn't fail Max, not after all she had done for Kate herself.

Max did not need talking down from a ledge, but she needed something, or someone right now. The poor girl's childhood friend died right in front of her. Everyone was talking about it. Talking about how they found Rachel Amber, about what Jefferson was doing, what he did or might have done with Max, until he was shot dead, about the possible trial coming up for Chloe's step-dad David, the hero who now may have to defend himself. After all she had been through, she may now need to relive it in her future testimony after already being questioned about it.

Kate had already started seeing a counselor since the incident on the roof, but this new knowledge and it's connection to her added a whole new level to their sessions. She assumed Max was getting her own therapy, but all she knew was the photographer's parents had come for a day, just in time for the funeral for Chloe Price, and, in a flash, were gone the next. That was this morning. Kate thought it best to give her space, especially with her family there, but she had to at least check on her friend. They both were given work to turn in as they finished, but were excused from attending classes. So, Kate knew that she may have had plenty of other opportunities, but it was time. In her hand she clutched a small stuffed bunny which held a tiny card.

Kate tucked the gift under her arm as she straightened her sweater out, smoothed down her skirt and let out a quiet but deep breath. She idly twisted her cross necklace back and forth in between her thumb and index finger for a moment. Finally, the nervous girl gave a timid knock. Kate did not know what she would say, but felt that she had waited long enough.

Nothing, no response.

She tried again, knocking lightly at first again, but then somewhat more firmly a couple more times.

Still nothing.

"M-Max?" Kate murmured, then again with more confidence, "Max?"

Kate thought she heard papers russling. She looked around the hall once, and seeing no one, put her ear to the door. She heard a faint groan and more movement of paper. For a few moments there was nothing and then suddenly she heard a noise right by the door. Kate stood back and waited, but the door did not open. She hesitated for a moment, but mentally pushed herself forward to return to the door and spoke even more gently, guessing how close the other girl would be.

"...Max?"

The response came delayed and slow, as if hoping she was guessing right but afraid to be wrong, "Kate?"

"Yes, it's me. I wanted to...I wanted to see you. I don't know if you're up for-"

Before she could finish her sentence the door swung open wide in an instant Max practically fell on her. All Kate could do was hold her slightly smaller friend, dropping the bunny and card to the floor. Max clung onto Kate, her arms locked firmly around the blonde's waist. Kate was speechless at first. She did not hear any crying from Max, but she felt tears against her neck as Max dug her head in and sighed deeply, almost shuddering. Kate's heart broke for her friend. She was glad Max could not see how much it devastated her. The slightly taller girl needed a moment to compose herself, so she could be strong for Max.

Kate leaned her own cheek lightly against Max's and, not knowing what else to say at the moment, said soothingly, "I'm here Max, I'm here."

Kate's hand went instinctively to stroke Max's hair. It was a mess, but felt soft through her fingers. Max made a smaller sigh and then pulled away. She still loosely held Kate, but looked almost through her as she said, "S-sorry. I don't know why..." Her voice trailed off and she let go of Kate completely and crossed her arms. She looked down and awkwardly back to Kate with blood shot eyes and dried blood under her nose.

Kate had let go of Max when she pulled away, but put a hand on her shoulder and said with a light squeeze, "You have nothing to be sorry for, Max." Pausing to look around, for her friend's sake, and still seeing no one, she asked, "Can I come in?"

Max bit her lip, her face lost in thought for a moment, but then she nodded firmly with eyes closed. Kate removed her hand, but Max just continued to look down, her thoughts distant. Kate waited a moment while her friend snapped out of her stupor.

"Oh. Sorry..." Max muttered.

Kate smiled warmly and softly said, "It's okay. Let's just get inside."

Max walked back in and Kate followed after retrieving the rabbit and card. She gently closed the door behind her and put the stuffed animal on a nearby side table. It was then she first took in the view of the room, which was not exactly what she was expecting.

Papers and photos were littered on the floor. A bulletin board held one crumpled, but straightened out polaroid photo. It was a blue butterfly on a bucket. Kate had no idea what it was all about, but it worried her. Max turned back around and saw it in her face before she could hide it.

"Oh...all this? Um, I..." Max trailed off and seemed like she was going to break down again. Kate's first instinct was to go to her friend, but she held back as she saw Max try to regain her composure.

The girl shut her eyes a moment and took a deep breath before continuing, "When my parents left I had to try..." She looked confused to Kate as she struggled for words. "Something, just one more time. I...I'm not making sense. I just can't explain it. Not now. I'm sorry, Kate." Max hung her head and shook it, holding herself tight.

Kate could not wait anymore and closed the gap between them, pulling her friend in for another hug. Max melted into her embrace. "Don't be sorry, Max. You don't need to explain anything to me. I'll still be right here. I just want you to be okay."

Max gave another sigh but said nothing.

After a moment of silence, Kate guided Max to sit on the bed and sat beside her. The blonde friend gently pried a hand loose from Max and held it in between both of her own. Kate could tell that she was giving some comfort to her friend from the slight glimmer of something in Max's eyes when she looked up at her. Whether it was hope, relief, or something else, Kate did not know, but she smiled seeing the change. The blonde absently rubbed her thumb over Max's hand as she began speaking again, "I know we've missed at least one tea date, but we can pick up whenever you're ready, of course."

Max seemed to freeze up right before Kate spoke and did not respond immediately. Her head turned away as if she was hiding her face, but then spoke quickly and said, "Yeah. I do owe you one. Maybe soon. I want to, I just..."

Kate squeezed her hand as she said, "Of course, when you're ready."

Max sheepishly looked back to her friend and said, "Thank you, Kate." Her gaze suddenly locked on something across the room. Kate looked back and said cheerfully, "Oh, yeah. Let me get that for you." She bounced lightly off the bed and carefully retrieved the gift. Kate presented the bunny and its card to Max. "It's just a little something."

Her friend smiled faintly, a moment of happiness pierced through her dark state.

Kate continued, "I always have Alice to get through my tough times, so I thought you should have your own Alice." She placed the gift into her friend's hands.

"Oh Kate..." A pause and another brief smile. "You being here is enough, but thank you."

Kate scrunched her face and said, "Well, I guess you're right. I needed more than Alice in my darkest time. I needed you. Maybe this was a silly idea."

Max's face turned to concern. "No Kate, no. I love it. I'll think of you whenever I hold it. I probably should name it." She paused seeing Kate turn shy and a slight smile came on Max's face as she continued. "She'll be Kate. Or little Kate." Kate smiled back with a deeper reddening and said. "No Max, you don't have to do that..."

"Too late. She's little Kate now," Max said playfully with a subtle mischievous grin. Her cheerfulness was muted by an underlying weariness, but it was still something. Kate returned the smile warmly and meekly replied, "Okay, Max."

The conversation paused for a moment, enough for Max's smile to fade. She began looking out in the distance. The girl stared past Kate, past the room into some dark place, but she shook her head and looked back to the card, yet opened. Max plucked it off of the bunny, slipping the loose string that attached it away from the bunny's neck.

She read it to herself:"I will always be here for you, Max. If you need to talk, or anything at all, please let me know. -Love always, Kate"

This was followed by a cute cartoon illustration of a bunny with what appeared to be Max herself, holding it.

Seeing Max finish reading, Kate said, "I wasn't sure if I was going to have to leave it at the door. I'm glad I didn't need to." Kate sat back down on the bed.

"Me too," Max said warmly. "I'm really glad you're here, Kate. I think, right now, you're the only person I would want to see." She looked away from Kate, but leaned up against her. Kate put one arm around her friend.

"Oh Max, you're too sweet-" Kate began.

Max cut her off, "No, Kate. Besides being an amazing person and friend, you're probably the only other one who might understand...some of this. Victoria doesn't count. I can't talk to her."

Max turned to look at her friend. "There's so much more I want to tell you, but I just can't right now. You wouldn't believe me anyways."

"Max," Kate delicately scolded. "I trust you completely. I would believe you, whatever it is."

Max smiled briefly, but her eyes did not match.

"I know you would. I know you think you would," Max corrected. "But I wouldn't even believe myself...it's just...someday, I'll tell you. You deserve to know. I'm just not ready to talk."

"Okay, Max," Kate replied with a reassuring hand rubbing lightly up and down Max's arm.

Max looked away again and seemed to hold her breath. She quickly spoke, changing her tone to a forced confidence, "There's something I have to do though and I need your help."

"Anything, Max."

Max sat up straight and once again looked to Kate who returned her gaze. The brunette then put her hands on her knees while peering downward as she spoke. "I just need you to be there. Be with me when I talk to Joyce."

"Chloe's mom? Of course I'll be there, as long as you need me."

Max did not seem completely surprised by the reply, but Kate did feel a sense of relief come over her friend, seeing her slip into a more relaxed posture.

"Okay, can you come with me tomorrow morning around 10?"

"Sure. I'll come by your room then." Max nodded in response. After some silence, Kate continued, "Is there anything else you did want to talk about?"

Max's head dipped down lower and she sighed. In her breath, a weight that felt almost tangible to Kate. Slowly the broken girl began, "No, well...I dunno. Um...do...do you believe in fate at all? Probably not, I'd guess."

Kate smiled with a closed mouth and apologetic eyes. "I'm sorry, Max, no. I do believe in God's plan. That's a little bit like fate."

Max sighed. "I used to not believe in it. But now...I don't know." Her face began to look empty. "I fucking hate it." She frowned at her own word choice. "Sorry."

Kate did not know how to respond to her friend's vague statement. She felt the mood in the room darken and tried to change the topic.

"Hey Max, have you eaten yet?"

Her broken friend seemed to ponder the question before saying, "No. Um, not yet. Haven't felt very hungry lately."

Kate's smile wavered for a moment, but she replied, "I could pick you up something. You know, for later? Is there anything you'd like?" She knew her friend did not want to face the world right now.

Max quickly said, "No, that's okay Kate. Thank you, but...well...I guess I could use some coffee?"

Kate smiled a little brighter at the chance to do something for Max, but then she thought about how Max seemed in dire need of sleep and this would probably not help. After a moment of conflict, she decided fulfilling her friend's request was more important than what may be physically better for her.

"Sure, what would you like?"

Max replied, "An ice-um actually, just regular coffee with creamer is fine."

Kate felt she could almost read her friend's mind. Max was definitely about to order some sweet delicious latte or something similar, but it was as if she caught herself from almost having pleasure, like she didn't deserve it. It felt silly to be so certain about her assumption, but the rise and fall in Max's expression fit her theory. Kate just didn't know why her friend would feel that way. She would focus on getting the coffee, for now.

Kate put her hand over Max's and said, "I'll be right back."

Her friend turned her head away with a small smile and then looked back as she said, "Thank you." Then a thought came over her and she rushed to her desk. She pulled out a few dollar bills and held them out to Kate who shook a hand at the offering and said, "It's okay, my treat."

"No, no. It's okay, you don't need to."

"I know, Max. I want to."

"No, Kate. It's okay. I got this."

"Please don't worry about it, just-"

"Please just take the money!"

Max's face looked anguished and Kate shrunk back under the heated words.

Max slowly took in the shocked reaction from her friend and tried to back pedal.

"I'm sorry, Kate. Fuck, I mean...You going is generous enough. Please, just take the money?" She ended her last sentence as a desperate whispered plea.

"Okay, Max." Kate smiled compassionately before accepting the dollar bills.

"Thank you," Max breathed out. She sat back down on the bed, as if a great weight was now lifted from her.

"I'll be back soon."

"Thank you, Kate," she said once more.

The blonde smiled and took a step to reach Max and squeezed her hand before walking to the door. As she closed it, Kate peered through the narrowing doorway and noticed Max lay down on the bed. The stuffed rabbit, or "little Kate" was held close in Max's folded arm. Kate could only see an ear popped out. Smiling, she made a mental note to come back quietly in case her exhausted friend fell asleep.