love letters of sorts.

W.E.

11:11
-
Dear W.E,
Hey you, it's been almost a week now since I have seen you or even spoken to you. Situations occurred and now consequences have been put in place; those consequences being me removed from your life, almost entirely. But I understand that it had to be done, so don't worry. I understand that seeing as you took the job that you were offered, you had to remove a bunch of people from your life and inhibit them from being able to contact you as this goes against your contract and ultimately goes against the law. But I have to admit that it does hurt. I guess what hurts the most is that I went to sleep on a Sunday night and the next morning woke up to finding that you had unfriended me on some social media platforms and blocked my messages on others, I guess the lack of communication and me not realising that this would happen so soon is what is hurting me so much.

It sucks because I really care about you. And I really want to help you, with everything, but now I can't.
The other night I got so scared because of something that you did and I was so, so close to running to your house just to make sure that you were okay, but I can't do that anymore. I can't see you. I can't talk to you. I just can't. It's hard because I still have you on two platforms and I see you post things and you seem, somewhat, unphased. You're just living your life and living it up with your friends and I can't help but get upset. And I know that that is so dumb of me, to get upset that you're living your best life, but I guess I just wish that I was still a part of it.

However, there was one thing that you posted the other night, something that actually really made my heart ache. You posted a screenshot of a video from YouTube on your story and me being the dumb, curious girl that I am, I went and watched the video. It hurt. I cried. That video, that 6 minute long video, screwed with my head. My mind started running wild and I just couldn't hold myself together. You told me a little about your past and I have heard from other people about your past in more detail. And I just broke down and could not contain myself. I crafted a lengthy 570 word text message which I sent to you, later to find out that you didn't receive it as you had blocked my number, reminding you to keep on keeping on because I was scared. Scared that you were going to do something silly. A permanent solution for a temporary problem. And I know that you are hurting, but buddy, I know how strong willed and determined you are so why would you give up now? You've got so much going for you and you just really need to stop for a second and realise that. Like I have said so many times before, you are going places, and that I am sure. Please stay strong, for yourself and for everyone else who you have managed to cast a spell on. You most definitely have managed to wiggle your way into so many peoples hearts, capturing everyone's attention just by existing and being you. Something about the vibe that you give off just captured the hearts of many, and I know that you will continue to do this because you're just so enticing. You have positively impacted so many people in so many different ways and I know for a fact that you will continue to do so going forward into the future. Just keep on keeping on and you will get the end results that you have in sight. I believe in you, Pal. You can do this.

I swear to god, I am going insane, because I miss you a lot and I'm in so much fricken pain. My chest hurts and my head hurts, but now I am slowly getting back to that state of just pure numbness. Which I guess, in a way, will be good for me as it means that I am getting to base one of moving on... (but I don't want to, not yet at least.)

It's the 1st of December, which marks the arrival of the festive season, but it doesn't even feel like Christmas yet and I feel empty and sad? Usually at this time of the year, I am at my highest happy point, but this year? I'm just sad. We planned on having Christmas together; you, me, and our two other friends. We were all going to get gifts for each other and decorate a tree in your room. We were going to go on late night drives and hunt out all of the houses with the coolest Christmas light displays. But now? I have no one to do that with and I am just very, very upset.

At this point in time, I am still unsure if you actually ever did have feelings for me because I have heard so many different things from many different people and it's all just so flipping inconsistent and contradictory. All I know is that on my part I did connect deeply with you and did develop a very large amount of adoration and love for you. And this love went far deeper than just loving you for your external appearance, your quirks, and your talents; it went as deep as loving you and your insecurities and scars and troubles. I love everything about you and every atom in my body wants to help with healing your scars and wounds and I wanted to fix you.
I will try to fix you.

But please don't feel bad, because like I said at the start of this letter, I understand. In life you have to make sacrifices, even if you really don't want to. You're my biggest loss, so far. And although it hurts, I know that it's what is right.

I really do hope that at some point in the future we reconnect and maybe then, after some time apart, I will be able to truly tell if you are the one and maybe vice versa? Or perhaps you already know the answer but are too afraid to actually say the words to me. But honestly, W, I would much rather you say those words and hurt me just a little than me getting hurt by just waiting and holding on to nothing, when I thought it was everything. Please just communicate. Just once, communicate.

I miss you.

With love,
Ruby x