love letters of sorts.

T.B.

Dear T.B,

It has been almost 3 months since I stopped talking to you because of a silly situation that we both got ourselves into and almost 3 months since I blocked your messages.

But it's December now and at work we have everything decorated with tinsel and all things Christmas and our festive playlists are now on repeat. This probably sounds super irrelevant, but trust me, it isn't. Because I was standing just waiting for a customer to come to my till and this Christmas carol started playing, and at first it sounded awfully familiar and then I realised why. This time around 2 years ago, my mum asked you to come and play Christmas carols for her patients on her ward at work in the hospital. And you played a few songs, this one being one of them. This song is what caused me, all of a sudden, to start thinking of everything that happened between you and I, and honestly it kind of really hurt and killed me just a little.

It's confusing, I don't get why it still hurts as I have clearly moved on. Maybe it's because of what you took from me and what I will never be able to get back? Or maybe it's because you cast this spell on me which made me forgive you after every single mistake that was made? Or maybe it's because I trusted you and you broke my trust, countless times, but I still continued to forgive you? Or maybe it's because I let you take advantage of me? But the thing is, I have fallen in love with another boy since you ended things and he wasn't even a rebound, it was completely pure; if that's not a good enough sign that I have moved on them I hope that these next few sentences are. And I apologise for if this hurts you, but in no way am I attracted to you anymore and I know that both you and I would not work together; it was inevitable that our relationship would come to an end. But I guess it hurts so much because I did this to myself; I let myself get hurt. It is my own fault for putting in all of that effort and for giving you multiple chances after being hurt and I chose to ignore everyone when they warned me about things; I did this to myself...

Recently, I have been thinking over everything that happened between both you and I, and have been analysing everything that we did and every single moment that we spent together, and I hate to admit it and I do not want to hurt you, but I am not sure that it was true love, on either part of you and I. Personally, for me, I did have a crush on you since the age of 13. However, I think that I was in love with the idea of love and the idea of falling in love with my best friend and possibly infatuation? I wanted to experience what I had watched in the movies and read in silly young adult books, so I jumped at the idea of dating a boy who I had been best friends with for just over a year. And yes, of course I did love you, but there is a very fine line that runs between platonic love and romantic love and they often blur together and it's hard for me to tell what it actually was that I was feeling. Plus we were only 14 going on 15 when we first got together, I am starting to question all of it considering the fact that neither one of us at that point had truly matured; we were kids, and we still are.
One thing about our time together that really annoys me is how routinely those moments became when I felt I had to please you, if you catch my drift. I wanted to get out more and I wanted to go places but we always ended up in the same place doing the exact same thing, time after time. And that is another reason why I doubt things that happened between us, I feel as though you were just using me for those moments. That's all you wanted; pleasure because you were frustrated. And it upsets me because I believe that that should not be the core of a relationship, it must go a lot deeper than that. A relationship should be based around a connection and feeling deeper than lust.

I feel as though the reason why it took so long for me to move on was because of everything that I gave up for you and everything that I gave to you. I let you see parts of me, internal parts and external parts. And I guess, after showing those parts of me I just attached myself to you. I was glued to you. Stitched together, me to you, because you were the first person that I ever let in and let see those parts of me. However, now I have moved on, which may not seem true considering now that I am writing a letter addressed to you, but I found another boy in which I connected with on a much deeper and, I guess, spiritual level. And he makes me feel things that I have never, ever felt before, not even with you. But I know that you are probably feeling the same way, as you have found yourself a new girl and seem to be having the time of your life. And I just want to say, I'm happy for you. Despite the pain that I was put through, you deserve to be happy. Just promise me that you treat her like a princess and you don't ever do to her what you did me. Stay loyal please, you must have at least an ounce of goodness left inside of you and I know that you can be good to her. And I hope that she too gets to see the true you, as I feel that I am one of the only people who has had the chance to.

I have to admit, when you text me the other day, I felt so angry and upset and confused because it was so out of the blue and it was the last thing that I expected from you. It hurt because I was going strong and was happy, finally, with the reality that you weren't meant to be in my life the way that you used to and that I previously thought. I was finally getting somewhere and was pushing myself to my limits; I was frickin soaring. And then you messaged and everything just slowed down, the past started coming back, and I just kinda broke. The pace at which I was moving all of a sudden slowed down and I just came to an immediate stop. Why are you all of a sudden reaching out to me when you are doing so well? Do you miss me being around? Is that what it is? Or is that just me being obnoxiously optimistic and overthinking things yet again? Whatever reason you had behind messaging me, just please, maybe don't do it again. Because I don't want to get hurt again, and you? You are dangerous, at least for me. And I know that I will end up getting my heartbroken yet again. But I'm not sure that the blame should be put on you this time, because ultimately it's my own fault that I constantly get hurt.

I hope that you are doing well and I hope that your parents and brother are too. I miss them a lot and I miss Cheddy too. Maybe someday in the future, when we have both matured a hell of a lot more and I have healed fully again, we can try to connect again and maybe go back to being friends. I'm not very hopeful about this as it probably won't ever happen and I'm honestly not sure that I want that to happen, but I suppose the future will tell.

With love,
Ruby x