The Lies That Bind

Chapter 28 : Sharing the Same Tears

It's been a month. One, long, painful month. It feels like it's been months... years even. I'm still living with Erika; I'm back to being jobless. It's like I'm back to where I've started but worse. I don't care to do much these days, I just... can't. I'm stuck, lost in an ocean of darkness, of misery. I can't bring myself to not think about him or to find a "bright side". Is there one? Is this the other option? I don't like it; I don't like being alone.

I roll over to face the nightstand and check my phone: its 3AM with no messages. But, then again, why would I be expecting any? His number is still in my address book. His texts haven't been erased. The photos of us are still saved. I can't bring myself to delete him; it's all I have. However, I can't bear to look at any of them either.

I dream about him every night. About him suddenly returning like magic. There he is, standing in the doorway as if taunting me. Every time I take the bait, only for him to vanish once I'm close. The memories of that final night still haunt me. I shouldn't have left; I shouldn't have left him. I wonder what would have become of us if I hadn't pushed him and just waited for him to tell me when he was ready. What would have happened if we just kept the original agreement and had never taken it further? Would I be in the same position? Would it even be possible?

I don't know...

The warm, morning summer sun seeps into my room suddenly, I must have dosed off. My phone reads, "7:06AM", but I can't bring myself to get out of bed anymore. I mostly spend my days in here, leaving my sister to fend for two cats. She doesn't seem to mind, but I feel bad about it.

There's a knock at my door. "Edith?" Erika's voice emits gently from the other side. "Are you awake?"

I force myself to answer her, "Yes... kind of."

"It's Sunday so..." My sister's voice is shaky, hesitant, "So, I wanted to know if you wanted to go and meet up with Bianca at the park for our routine jog."

The jog at Golden Gate Park.

I remember when Kazmir first took me there. Tears begin to make their appearance in the corners of my already puffy, tired eyes. I curl up on the bed and let them fall, staining my pillow. I hear Erika's sigh outside my room before the door opens. Lark trots in with his bell collar jingling as he leaps up onto the bed. With a soft purr, he supportively sits beside me. I hug him to me and continue to cry, despite the pain it brings from both my heart and his accidental claws. I then loosen my cuddling slightly, letting him get comfortable.

"Hey," Erika kneels down in front of me, her eyes full of worry. When I don't respond she continues with another sigh, "Edith, you can't keep lying around the house like this. You have to move on."

"I can't." I manage to blurt out.

"You can, and you have."

"I haven't." I release Lark and turn my back to Erika.

"Edith, you act like this hasn't happened before, and you rebounded from that!"

"I haven't!" I snap, sitting up to glare at her through my tears. The sudden change in position makes me feel dizzy, but I do my best to ignore it. "Ever since Wolf cheated on me all those years ago, I've felt unworthy. I've felt like I can't trust anyone, and that fear has plagued me since then!" I wipe my eyes angrily, adding, "You don't understand..."

"Then make me understand." Erika responds as she rises to her feet and sits on the edge of the bed beside me. She sounds uncharacteristically stern as she demands, "What made Kazmir so worthy of making you like this?"

I go quiet. I can't tell her. I can't tell her he was my sugar daddy turned boyfriend. I can't tell her that he's the heir to a mob in Russia, and that the guy in my room was related to him. What would she think of me? Poorly probably, and crazy, but I already knew that.