The Lies That Bind

Chapter 30: Motherly Advice

The woman looking back at me in the mirror is frightening. God, I look exhausted. The bags under my raccoon eyes have bags! And Mom thought taking me out into the public eye was a good thing? I shift my gaze back at the seemingly endless swimsuits that have been left for me to try on. I really don't want to do this. I look back at myself, at the beaten down woman in a wrinkled t-shirt and old, faded skinny jeans.

But this isn't me either.

Old me would have freaked out knowing I let myself go outside dressed like this, messy, tangled hair and all. But Mom is right, my sister is right, I need to snap out of this funk. If only it were that easy. I eye the pile of swimwear and pick up the first of many, guess I should start somewhere.

"How's it going, Madl?" Mom asks from the other side of the door with a gentle knock.

I'm about 4 suits in and so far, my mother's taste isn't matching mine. Or maybe it is and I just don't care. The all black, silky smooth, one-piece with the gathered skirt is the only one I even slightly like. However, it fails to cover my giant ass completely. The shorter skirt seems to only emphasize my wide hips and long legs. Kazmir would have approved...

"It's going... I guess." I answer with uncertainty as I try to pull the suit down a little more. I do like the rhinestone straps. With my black and white sunhat and some heels, I could rock this if I stay out of the water. This is clearly one of those "sit by the pool and do nothing else" suits.

"Well open up so we can see!"

We?

I open the door and Mom looks close to tears. "Oh Madl, you look so beautiful!"

"It does look good on you," the sales associate beside her states noncommittally.

"I guess..." I mutter, looking down at myself. "It doesn't really cover my butt though."

Mom waves me off, "You've had that problem since you were a teenager. You just have a big butt! It's in your genes!"

I try not to blush, "Yeah but that doesn't mean I want to wear uncomfortable clothes!"

"The boys will like it!"

The associate laughs at our banter and I roll my eyes before ducking back inside the dressing room. Granted, the suit looks nice, but I just don't know. On the flip side, I do know Mom will not stop grabbing things off the racks until I pick something, and judging by the rest of the "selection", this one is probably the best out of the bunch.

Mom applauds my choice as I reemerge. "I was betting you'd pick that one!" She tells me enthusiastically. She frowns a little, "But I'd think a brighter color would be better. They have it in red, or maybe a nice blue to contrast your hair, Madl?"

I look back at her deadpan, "I'm fine with the black, Mom. It does go with everything."

She sighs exaggeratedly, "Are you becoming Ella now? But now that you have the suit, it's time to accessorize!"

About two and a half hours later, not including travel time, I seem more prepared for a photoshoot than an actual beach trip. Did I mention we were going to the beach? Yeah, I didn't know that either.

However, the Santa Barbara sun feels nice against my admittedly palish skin. I can already feel my healthy glow returning. I sit up in my beach chair to peer at the sparkling water through the big, black, expensive shades Mom bought to go with my outfit. At least they hide my restless eyes. The water looks so inviting, Kazzie would have loved it...

Memories of Baker and Ocean Beach flood my mind. So many cherished moments were spent: our first date, the end goal after those runs through Golden Gate Park... Tears prickle in the corners of my eyes. Going to a place like this is the last place I should be. Even if it isn't the same beach, it still reminds me of him, of us... of what we had.