Gold (Yuzuru Hanyu)

26. Why bother

8 months later

"God these airplanes are uncomfortable" came through my mind while sitting in one alike, doing some sound editing for an online commercial. 

It was only hour 6 of my, now very familiar, 14 hour flight.

"At least I can get some work done on them" was the next thought. 

After I was done with work, I went on Instagram to see what was going on with Yuzu. 

The general opinion seemed to be that Yuzu and I broke up, seeing as I was nowhere to be found after his win at the Japan Nationals. I wasn't there for the Worlds, nor for the Four Continents, nor were the fans able to find me anywhere near Yuzu for the past 8 months.

The truth was: I was busy.

I had stuff to do, and things to figure out. I couldn't simply drop uni, in order to watch my boyfriend work. That's not how adults function. 

Pretty soon it became obvious to us that our relationship was doomed to be a distant one. The time spent in Toronto was so wonderful only because of his unfortunate injury, everything after the Nationals was pretty rough.

He was more on the move that imaginable, and even if he wasn't, he was at the rink for most of the time, and then he was resting, and then he was studying. But I wasn't completely innocent myself; I was more tied to my laptop, and my work than ever. Most of the time spent together was silent, us in little worlds of our own. Usually, we would meet up at the library where we would work in silence, the same would occur if we were to visit each others apartments. Some days I would visit him at the rink, where I would sit in a gigantic jacket and code, and he would skate.

The talking was down to the very minimum. 

This was all a bit strange to our friends and loved ones, who probably didn't understand how we were even together, and sometimes we questioned our relationship ourselves.

We fought like crazy.  

After the lovely "honeymoon" period, the very beginning of every relationship, was over, came the hard part. The part where you want to gouge each others eyes out because all the quirky, and weird things you found so irresistible at the beginning, are suddenly just weird and annoying.

So yes, Yuzuru was very selfish and self centered. Something he warned me about. His whole life, everything he did, and everything around him was done because of him, and for himself only. He wasn't openly or consciously like that, it was just something that was deep inside of him and once one would spend enough time with him it couldn't come unnoticed, and he couldn't control it. The ground beneath him was shaken up because now, he had to share it with somebody else.

On the other hand, I was cold. Something that I warned him about. Even if I felt affection, or love, I didn't know how to express it and sometimes I would refuse to except the love he wanted to give me. I would constantly push him away from me in my fear of attachment, and in his vanity, he would desert me.

And he would say he's going to Japan for a month and he would ask me to come with him, and I would tell him I had work, and he would say that I don't care about him, and I would agree, adding that the world doesn't revolve around him, and he would say that he doesn't like me anymore, and I would ask him to never come back, after which he would start to cry, and I would turn my head to that, leaving the tears for the privacy of my own room.

Then again, I would be patiently waiting at the airport for him, where I would give him a welcome back kiss. We would apologize, admitting we were both wrong, and would move on. 

Sometimes I wouldn't be the first to apologize, I would stay cold for days, and he would be the one that had to step over his huge pride and knock on my door.