Escape my reality

Chapter 2

Oh no, I forgot all about my assignment and it was due tomorrow. Great. So I took out my pencil and sketchbook. For art class we had to draw our deepest fear. This was funny to me, because I have so many. As I flipped through the sketchbook, I found the page I was looking for. I had already started my drawing. It was a drawing of a girl standing at the shore of the ocean, the moonlight hit her face from the left side and her face was wrenched with fear. My art teacher thought that it represented my fear of the water, but that wasn't true. I'm not even afraid of the water, what scares me is what's inside of it. The way you don't know a person's real intentions. The salty ocean water was simply a symbol for a person in this particular drawing.
I don't trust easily. I now understand why my father worried about me the way he did. He worried because he recognized his own behaviour in mine. With this behaviour of mine I don't think I will ever be able to make friends or allow a guy to love me. It had become a self defense mechanism, keep it out and it wont hurt you.
All throughout middle school and high school I got bullied too. There were five of them, Alara was the worst and now my brother Kaji is dating her. To be honest with you, I couldn't believe the bitter irony. Sometimes I wanted to scream out in frustration, but I knew I couldn't bother Mizu and mother with it. I felt and still feel betrayed by Kaji. He knew what those girl had put me through and still choose for the devil with the pretty face instead of his own sister. That hit me hard. I think it's quite obvious we don't talk much anymore, just things like "Could you pass the salt?" or "Have you seen my charger?" It was sad, but not my fault.
Thinking about all the people that have hurt me mentally and physically, it got me thinking: am I really that bad? Was I so much a disease that my stepfather felt it was necessary to push me down the stairs and break two of my ribs when I was only thirteen? Was I so much of a loser that Alara decided to throw hot chocolate milk all over me and punch my head against the wall when the teacher wasn't looking? Not to mention the mocking and the mean comments that had simply become a part of my daily life during the last year of middle school and the rest of highschool.
Was I really that bad?
No, not at all.
It wasn't until I got older that I realized I had been extremely unlucky, but never was it ever my fault.

After adding the final lines to the drawing I decided it was good enough and nestled myself in my bed. I wondered what it was like to love swimming and at the same time have a terrible fear of what's inside of the water. I wondered what it was like to love someone and at the same time be afraid to tell them. With that thought I dozed off into unconsciousness...