Escape my reality

Chapter 5

One thing no one knows about me, is that I have a secret passion for writing. I started writing after my father died and it became a coping mechanism. Well, it's what I have been telling myself all these years. Because this is the kind of loss that you carry around with you in every single cell and bone of your being, but of course I couldn't tell anyone that so I seeked refuge in my writing instead.

By the time I had reached the age of sixteen I decided to start an online blog. It grew out to be a huge success and I now had thousands of followers from all over the world. I spent my free time replying to comments and feedback, an obsessive and secret hobby really.

It was sunday night and I looked at my blog for a while, I realized that the thing about being a writer and poet is that my greatest writings comes from misery. I knew it's not what anyone wanted to hear, but it is through my misery that I create art and I can't deny that. My misery creates a momentum within my brain and my brain then makes my hand write it all down, I write and write and write. I write it all out. The thing about my poems is that I simply get attention by the beauty of it, but I steal hearts when I write about the bad. Which then leads me to wonder: do I sometimes and unconsciously dwell on pain because it's starting to manifest itself in me somehow?

It is in human nature to love a tragedy. I knew I wasn't the first one to think about this, Shakespeare for example, had already thought this through when he composed Romeo and Juliet. Humans are so paradoxical, we hurt when we feel pain, but we also love a sad story.

What weird creatures we are.

I gave up on my writing and just lay down on my bed instead. What the hell is wrong with me?

I didn't know the full answer, but I knew this much (and I hated to admit it):

For a long time when I was a broken person I let the darkness consume me fully it filled every ounce and bit of me and it became comfortable in a way in which letting it go was in fact impossible. Now that I was trying to be a positive, happy person again I was failing, because I had grown to be the complete opposite of that.

I let out a frustrated scream. I wondered what Ajani would think if he saw me like this, would he still want to hangout with me? I hadn't seen him since the night of the rooftop, because I was very much avoiding him. That night I had opened up to him more than I had opened up to my own mother this entire year and I felt disgusting and embarrassed about the fact that I had told him my business just like that. I wasn't used to talking about my problems to even family members, let alone a boy I just met. I had even ditched miss Octaria's class to avoid him, but I knew I couldn't avoid him for ever.

And yet I did not regret telling him all that, it had felt so good to finally speak my mind for just once. Something about Ajani just made me feel comfortable. Maybe it was his soothing voice or his wise and big brown eyes that didn't only look at me, but seemed to stare deep into the hidden parts of my soul. So deep until they found the shattered parts of it too. He stared and stared and saw everything, yet did not run away from me I realized. In fact, I was the one running from him now.

I sighed and got up again, I was going to have to talk to him tomorrow.

---

I was nervous as I sat down in my chair the next morning. Miss Occtaria's class was the first one of the day, I found myself clenching and unclenching my fists absently.

"Tsuki!"

I turned around and saw a disoriented Ajani running up to me, on the way he almost tripped over a girl's bag and I chuckled a little. By the time he reached me I was looking at him mindlessly again.

"Hey Ajani," I said.

"Where have you been? Were you sick? I was so worried about you, I asked around but no one knew where you were last week. I don't have your number so I couldn't even call or text you." He grabbed a chair and plopped down next to me.

Guilt pinched my heart, I knew it had been wrong of me to ignore and avoid him like that.

"I'm sorry Ajani, after uh you know, I just needed some time to think, I shut off like that and I'm not proud of it."

"You silly goose, why didn't you just tell me I would have understood, I was really worried Tsuki."

I looked at him and I could tell he was bothered by this, I felt so guilty.

"I'm really sorry," I whispered as I looked down and fumbled with the hem of my shirt.

"Hey, it's okay, next time just tell me okay, because that's what friends are for."

While saying this Ajani had grabbed my hands and gave me an encouraging squeeze.

"Are we friends?" I was in shock, no one had ever told me that they were my friend. Ajani started to laugh at my flabbergasted reaction and said: "Well yeah of course, give me your phone we don't have each other numbers yet."

I handed him my phone and then he grabbed his own phone to copy down his number.

"What are you doing this evening?"

"Nothing really," I responded, "why?"

"Do you want to go to the rooftop with me today? We could go buy some food and just eat the-." He had stopped talking when he saw I leaned away to look at him.

"Uh, yeah sure, sorry I just didn't expect you to ask that."

He just smiled at me in response.

"Text me when you're out and I'll come pick you up, okay?

"Sounds like a plan."

We both fell silent after that, miss Octario had set up everything and soon enough class began.

I looked to my left and saw how the sunlight that came through the window reflected in Ajani's chocolate brown eyes, how it made his beautiful skin colour shine like honey. Everything about him was calm and nice, even when he wasn't trying to be. It's just who he was. I smiled and just as I was about to turn around and face the board again, Ajani caught me staring and tilted his head. 'What', he mouthed. I just rolled my eyes and shook my head. 'Nothing', I mouthed back, but I couldn't stop smiling now that I knew I had finally made a friend.

Thank God, my prayer had been answered, maybe I would not be lonely anymore. 

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Hi readers! I'm back with a new chapter, sorry for being MIA, but I hope everyone had a good summer. I know this chapter is kind of short, but I'm saving the best parts for the upcoming chapter ;) Please, please, please leave a vote and comment, tell me what you think so far I'd love to get some feedback. I really believe in this book, I'd appreciate it so much!

Thank you for reading and see ya next chapter!

Love,

C <3