Save Me

Chapter 26

Chapter 26

Thirty two minutes.

Thirty two minutes go by without a sound other than someone exiting their car and then getting back in after they get what they need from the gas station beside us. I thought it was my time to speak, say my condolences, tell River it'll be okay or maybe just bluntly ask him what's going on between us, but nothing felt right to say out loud.

He's staring out the windshield at the dark woods around us, his eyes proving to be hiding the rampant thoughts in his mind. I'm unsure if this means he has more to say and is just thinking it over or if this is my sign to speak.

"That's a lot of weight to carry," I say. As soon as the words leave my mouth I regret speaking because it's probably the worst thing I could have said. I could have gone with the typical 'I'm so sorry for your loss' or even 'that sucks' would have been better than just acknowledging he has problems.

I can feel the awkward tension suffocating me and I'm almost grateful for it so I don't have to speak ever again. River doesn't move or acknowledge that he heard me speak, which only causes me to kick myself harder for what I said. Maybe the real reason I don't have friends is because I don't know how to be one.

"Yeah," he mumbles softly, his voice seeming to be exhausted from all the talking he's done tonight. I feel myself relax slightly as he appears to not be mad or annoyed with me. "A lot of people thought that by not blaming me, it would help me move on faster."

I'm unsure how to respond to this because there's still a lot I don't understand about River's life, including his family and even his friends since I've only just recently started talking to Mia outside of biology. River apparently only opens up to Parker and I doubt Parker would share any of that with Mia, knowing that she has a habit of ranting without thinking. I begin to wonder how much Parker actually knows about River since he seems to be blocking everyone out and although my observations are minimal, he never appears to be communicating with his best friend, especially since Mia is usually around them.

"I don't think anyone really moves on from losing someone," I admit, pulling my sleeves down to cover my hands as the air begins to turn cold again. I've restocked my car with belongings to keep me warm if I ever get stranded in my car again and both River and I currently have throw blankets cloaked over our laps to help, although our body heat in this small space does most of the work. "I think we just learn to cope with it."

At this statement, River turns his head to look at me and I see the questions in his expression, but I don't want to take away from his night. He's opening up to me, practically a stranger who has dragged him into a mess he doesn't deserve to be in and he's finally taking steps towards relieving himself of the guilt he's been carrying around like a ball and chain to his ankle. Tonight is about River talking through his problems, not for me to unload more of my issues onto him.

"Listen, River," I start, trying to divert the attention away from myself as I attempt to come up with the right words to say. I don't expect River to judge me or accuse me of being heartless and careless with words, but I still don't want to mess this moment up. It feels like a milestone for us both. "About what happened at school today-"

"I'm not sorry for that," he says quickly, yet quietly. I feel my shoulders slump as I try not to get angry at him for getting involved in something he doesn't belong in because I know logically I'm the reason for it.

"I'm not trying to tell you off for it," I inform him. His head is still turned to look at me and I flick my eyes between him and the gear shift, unable to completely look him in the eye. "I just don't think you realize how dangerous he is and I don't want you to get hurt. It's not worth the fight."