Save Me

Chapter 28

Chapter 28

River must understand that we need to put distance between us because he doesn't approach me at school the rest of the week. I only see him from afar, standing beside Parker and Mia, usually zoned out of the conversation or already looking at me. It's so incredibly hard not to move towards him when our eyes are magnets that pull when they interlock, but I know this has to be for the best. I want him safe and sound.

There's been times I thought about risking it all and disobeying Luke by allowing someone else to get close to me, but an invisible force always stops me. Everytime I pause my stride to peer at him leaning against a set of lockers or pass by him in the cafeteria, sitting across from Parker and Mia, but probably not aware of their presence, I think about the what ifs.

What if I do continue talking to River behind Luke's back? What if I get River more involved without even knowing? What if River if Luke's next victim? What if I'm Luke's next victim because I continue interacting with someone who hurt and humiliated him?

The questions parade around my mind louder and longer than any worries I've had of Luke before River became a thought in my mind. I'm angry at myself for allowing it to become like this, for allowing myself to get close to someone when I knew the risks.

Part of me wonders if continuing my interactions with River are worth it because if Luke does kill me when his anger indoubtly overflows from his body, I want to have experience to remember wherever Luke lays me to rest. If he leaves me alone in a pile of leaves to bleed to death or buries me several feet under ground while I'm still breathing, I want to think of River's eyes and how much they oddly resemble water or the way he touched my face like he knew I was fragile. I don't want Luke to be all that I have to remember.

I stand beside my car after school on Friday, accidentally on purpose taking my time unlocking my car as I ponder turning around and approaching River. He's been on my mind in so many ways and I begin to wonder if this is what addiction feels like.

Is is possible to be addicted to people?

Maybe it's the color of his eyes I'm addicted to. Or the gentle touch of his hand. The way he looks at me like he thinks if he looks away for even a moment, it'll be like missing the climax of a movie.

Perhaps I'm only addicted to what I feel when I'm around him. Either way, I know I can't stay away from him and it scares me more than anything that I want him more than I've ever wanted anything else, even safety.

I finally unlock my car having spaced out while I tried to fit the large metal key into the hole, hoping River isn't watching me from his spot against Parker's car on the opposite side of the aisle. He's learned to observe with only one sense and I know seeing me stumble with so little as unlocking my car will give everything away. He'll know how painful it is to barricade him from my life so suddenly and I wonder if he feels just a little of what I feel.

We're both used to being lonely and on our own, suffering silently from the pain we inflict on ourselves through mental torture, but that doesn't make this any easier. Now that I've seen what it feels like to be set free from the cage Luke trapped me in, I never want to go back.

From an outsider's perspective someone might not consider me selfish, but at the moment that's the first word that comes to mind when I think about myself. I want so many things, some of them seemingly rights I should be given, like safety and comfort, but to me it feels like I'm asking for too much. Seeking sanctuary in another human, wanting Luke to disappear from my life for good, wishing my father would replace Bill; may seem like understandable wishes, but I consider them selfish.