July 2018

Welll...

I knew from the beginning this was never gonna work out. I am less than average looking and saying that I'm slightly overweight is an understatement. It's gonna be like everyone else. I'm gonna like someone that's good looking and clever. Then I'm gonna be obsessed with everything they are; everything they do and say. After that they realise I'm a weirdo and my dreams are forever crushed. Then a week after I would like someone else.

But that's not how it went. We spoke about everything and I thought about him every time my mind wondered. He was just a constant in the back of my brain, he still is. I was really falling for someone.

So we Dm ed I don't even know what we spoke about but this is where it really happened. I just needed an output just somewhere to spill all my emotions. Every time my phone beeped I got this burning feeling inside of me. I was just so infatuated.

The day came where I just couldn't hold it in. So instead of my saying how obsessed I am I just switched the name. Maybe it was some way to get the message to him, but I just told him that I am totally over jack and completely in love with this other boy. He took it well and told me about this girl he likes. We both just kinda knew that we were talking about each other so I just broke it to him.

I had accepted my fate I was gonna get rejected so hard. But I wasn't......like what...why??

He just said he liked me too, he was just desperate probably. Why would anyone like me, there are no redeeming qualities about me.

He invited me to his house too, was this really happening??

But me being an absolute pussy, I just said I had other things to do.
Why did I do that??
Am I stupid??
I haven't stopped thinking about this boy for months and I reject him?
Why?

This decision haunts me to today, I'm just lonely now. Back then I was just throwing away chances left and right.

Like what else do two teenagers do when in a house alone when they just admitted to liking each other.

But I was thinking practically, like how am I gonna get home? What time will I be home by? If I go what do I wear? What if it's really awkward??

I never went. But we got some gossip, from the most unlikely person ever. His closest "real" friend. So in a dutty Mac Donald's while all my friends were enjoying themselves, stuffing their mouths with greasy chips. Niall, this friend, being a fiend for drama he told everyone, that Nic had plans to invite me to his house and somehow seduce me into have sex with me at the ripe age of 13. But it wasn't pedo-y we were both 13 turning 14, and I really liked him, like REALLY liked him. I would have taken the chance but I was self conscious and Nic was a god compared to me. I thought about it practically, uno.