white noise

one

I stare at myself in the mirror, unable to recognize this newly found distain. I hate him, and I haven't even met him. I splash my face with water, trying to rinse away the sour thoughts in my head. I can hear my sister in her room above mine, pacing, anxiously awaiting for him to arrive. She's made her bed twice already, and washed all of her clothes, insuring she has the perfect wardrobe for his time spent here.  I  resent her excitement

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When I had first found out that David would be staying with us, I argued against it. Hushed voices behind closed doors discussed whether or not he should be allowed to impede on our summer tradition. Coming to our summer house was a biblical experience for my family. I always knew better than to assume summer started once my classes finished for the spring semester. It was when my family threw white sheets over our couches and emptied the fridge, then flew to our summer house, a villa in a secluded cove, with the only small town miles away. My mother hated that phrase. 'Summer Home'. "We are not some rich snobs who jet off to our four different homes at the change of every season. We're better than that. I just want a happy place away from the city and work."

He was brought up at dinner, only three days into our stay at our 'summer home'.

Our housekeeper Josefina served us dessert, a lemon custard. I watched in between bites as my family members bickered about a topic that was never discussed before. Having a guest. Why we never had anyone from the city to our beautiful home? I will never know. Inconvenience maybe. Or we just wanted our own private world, away from all the noise and bustling city life brought.

I always thought a guest would be good for us. The days were quiet in the house. My parents would be working in the study all morning, then lounging by the pool or going to the ocean. Lavinia would sleep in, then sit on the dock with me while I dangled my feet in the water and listened happily to her telling exaggerated stories she had gathered from University.

I was the only one in my family who truly swam in the water. The neighbors and our houses were nestled in between two mountains, and the river stayed at a cool, delicious temperature all summer long. Some days I felt like I was baptising myself in it. Freeing my soul from all that had happened that day. I would swim out so far the house became a small blip in the distance, admiring the trees that engulfed around it, making it a hideaway rather than a home.

At night, all the neighbors whose houses were on the cove with ours got together to drink wine and discuss stories that developed over the winter. They coined the phrase 'house swapping'. Everyone had a day of the week they were scheduled to host the evening's festivities. Some nights I joined my parents in going to the gatherings, and other nights I chose to stay at home, laying on the dock, watching the stars grow more prominent as the night fell.

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My mother was helping Josefina clean up from dinner. I set myself up on the porch, tilting my head up into the sun. Lavinia and my father sat on the couch to my side, and when my mom joined them, the conversation was back on.

Lavinia fought for David to join us. It would be good to finally have guest, she said.

My mother fought against it at first. This place is peaceful. We don't need bad memories brought on by relationship bickering and even a possible breakup. Plus, entertaining a guest is not an easy feit.

My father remained neutral. It would be nice to have a guest. The spare bedrooms could be used. But, it would be alot to take on. I could tell he was trying to be as democratic as possible, but I knew he agreed with Lavinia. It would be good for us.

And me, Jemima, basking in the sun, wondering how long it took for my skin to catch on fire. Thinking how Lavinia acted so different whenever she had a boy back home. She became possessed. I wanted a guest, just not him. But knowing better than to open my mouth. I knew what fights to pick.

Finally, Lavinia threw the M word. That her and David were serious. That three months was to long to be without each other. That there was a chance this relationship could turn into something more.

And like that, for the first time in the nineteen years I've been alive, we have a summer house guest.

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I sit on the window sill facing the long driveway. Lavinia sits below me, reading a book as I braid her hair. She likes two small braids in the front, so her long dark hair can still cascade down her shoulders. Just as I tie off the last of the two braids, a yellow car comes into view. David's taxi.

"He's here," I say softly to Lavinia.

She shoots up, and watches his taxi pull in front of the house. "How do I look?" She asks as she smooths her summer dress.

"You look really good Vinny," I reply as I admire her. She does look gorgeous. She inherited my mothers looks. The silky brown hair, the Parisian model build. I took after my dads side. Curvy with blonde hair that looks like a white wig. She wears it well and knows how to dress herself. I forget the advice I read in a magazine about how to dress myself, so I just resort to loose, darker hue clothes.

She prances down the long staircase, but turns around suddenly. "Hey Jemima, lets just call each other by our real names this summer. No more Vinny please."

I knew right away what was happening. We had been calling each other Vinny and Mima since we were young. But now since David's here, she has evolved into the Lavinia only the public can see. Poised, calm, cool and collected. Possessed.

I watch from the window as she runs into his arms. She catches him off guard and he falls to the ground.

I hear it when I see him kiss her. His eyes shut tight, reveling in her feeling. I hear the noise I always hear when my emotions become intense. The soft sound of white noise, humming in my ears as I continue to watch them. Penetrating me, paralyzing me. I hate this noise, I hate that I hear it so often.

White noise, what an awful sound to hear when you don't even know the feeling or reason behind it.