white noise

two

Lavinia tours the house with David, showing him all the little nooks to be learned about. Josafina works tirelessly in the kitchen, preparing a welcome meal for our new, first guest. I help by chopping shallots and herbs.

"Your mother called from town, she and your father are on their way back now. David arrived early."

I continue mincing the herbs. Josafina asks, "Did you hear me little girl?"

I look up at her and she has the same smile on her face I have come to know so well. Calling me little girl has always given Josafina a simple pleasure. She likes to think Lavinia and I are still young, walking around yelling "Josa Josa" all the time. She liked to be needed.

"Yes yes I heard you."

"Hey," Josafina say as she jokingly slaps the back of my head,"where is your mind Jemima? What's the matter with you?"

I put the knife down and slide the cutting board to her, showing her that I finished my task. I reply by saying, "Just preoccupied. Wondering how this new guest will fit in."

"I'm sure he'll be fine. And it won't be long until Lavinia goes back to her usual self. She is just going to be in boy mode for a few days."

I had forgotten I told Josafina about my resentment. I have ranted and raged to her all my life about my insecurities and troubles. I didn't realize she would remember the conversation I had with her years ago, when Lavinia got her first boyfriend.

I rise from the stool I was sitting on and hug Josafina. She slowly rocks back and forth, and whispers in my ear, "Go take a bath little girl, you need it."

**********************

I sit in the deep chair in our parlor, reading a book on archeological digs in Ireland. My hair is still wet, and it is soaking my green sweater. Lavinia had taken David to show him the garden, and my parents joined them. My mother is no doubt showing him the herbs her and I work tirelessly to grow, while Josafina gets the rest of the credit, rightfully so.

Just as I begin a new chapter, I hear my mother yell my name. Dinner time.

I anxiously walk outside, my book still in my hand. I don't know whether to put it down, proving I'm not a total recluse, or keep holding it so I can quickly open it in case of an emergency. I choose the latter, and sit in on the table.

The table is packed full of Josafina's hard work. She made fresh pasta, roasted veggies and fish that was caught this morning. My father pours me a glass of wine as I sit, a smile across his face.

"Thank you Papa", I say, and he gives me a nod. My father is a man of few words. He is an attentive listener, and will only add his input at the end of a conversation. My mother is the opposite, talking and voicing her opinion, making herself known. They make a perfect match.

When I sit, I make eye contact with David for the first time.

I hesitate for a moment, taken aback by our new guest. His arm is around Lavinia, and she is busy de-boning her fish.

His eyes are an electric blue like mine. He has shaggy hair, a light brown, and a tan to match. I can see why Lavinia wanted him to be here. He's nice to look at.

I extend my hand and introduce myself. "Jemima, nice to meet you."

He shakes it, a firm grasp. My father helped perfect my handshake at a young age, so I knew mine was comparable.

"I'm David."

We stare at each each other for a few seconds longer, like dogs touching noses, taking in the scent of the stranger. My mother is the one to interrupt us, noting "Jemima, Josafina picked some tomatoes today. She salted them the way you like." I look to Josafina, who is setting down some bread and olive oil. She gives me a wink.

I fill my plate with tomatoes and veggies. I ignore the whole fish in front of me. I saw it live this morning, before it died. It was struggling for air, begging to be placed back in water. It killed me not to turn on the sink. I heard the white noise then. A conundrum in my head, questioning wether or not to save a life. I eat fish all the time, but for some reason the white noise was begging me to react. The soft hum, telling me to save the life. Why suddenly did it want me to show mercy? The noise comes out of no where. When I awoke this morning, I felt no emotion towards the fish we would be having tonight. I knew Michele, our groundskeeper, would be fishing today. But when I saw it in the sink, I nearly melted.

I turned the sink on. Lavinia shut it off.

I stare in the fishes eyes for I don't know how long. Lavinia is talking to my parents about assisting my dad with writing his new syllabus. Still looking. Josafina pours water for us, and my mother helps her cut bread, still attentive to Lavinia.

It's David who notices me. I don't know how long he had been watching me, watching the fish. He stabs a piece of tomato with his fork, and carries it over the fish and places it over the eye. I quickly look up at him, wondering if anyone else saw this act. They were still discussing what book to assign.

I look up to David, who is already looking away at my parents. He adds his input about a semester long essay while I stare at him, wondering if he knew how intimate, how special what he just did really was.

I take another sip of my wine, trying to drown out the white noise that is screaming in my ears.