always have been, always will be | jensoo

Morning After

When I woke up in the middle of the night, my answering machine was blinking red. With one shaky finger, I pressed the button and listened as Jisoo's voice filled my ears.

Minutes later, I padded down the hall to Jiyeon's room.

"Jiyeon, wake up."

I shook her just enough to jostle her from her sleep. She opened one angry eye at me. "I already cleaned up your puke. Leave me alone."

"Yeah, uh thanks for that." I said sheepishly. "But listen, hey..." I shook her again. "When do you work?"

"In like, several hours. I plan on sleeping those several hours." She covered her head with the blanket. "Not all of us can get by on two hours of tearful, vomit ridden sleep."

I sighed, moving the blanket and tapping her face until she looked at me. "I have an offer for you."

"I do not want sex with you, Jennie."

"Now, don't say things we both know just aren't true." I tease her, and she rubs her face and looks around more alert.

"The sun's not out yet. Why are you up?"

"You're up now, too." I said brightly. "Now it's like a party."

"Lamest party ever. You still have vomit breath." She scratches her neck ands its up. "What do you want? What offer?"

"I've only slept for about 45 minutes in two days, and I'm pretty sure I've never had a worse night - "

"Why are you so perky?"

"I'm trying to remind myself that I'm not always a whiny loser, you know?" I say honestly, shrugging. Jiyeon nods knowingly. "But anyways, yeah. What I'm saying is that I'm barely in my right mind, but I," I gesture to myself grandly as sunshine barely begins to peek through the window, "have an offer."

"So you've said. You have ten seconds before I fall back asleep."

"Like I said, I've thought about this a lot and I think - "

"Stop rambling. Six seconds."

At that point, I just blurted it out. After some consideration, Jiyeon decided I had finally grown back into my wits and considered my idea officially good. Several hours later, the sun had been up for some time, and I was more tired than ever before. But I felt like I was driven by a purpose.

I kept playing the message over and over, in my head. Sometimes out loud, letting her voice reverberate off the walls of my apartment. "Hey, Jennie, uh. This is Jisoo, duh. I figure you're sleeping, or ignoring me and I really hope it's the former. Because you need sleep and if you ignored me that would...well, hurt my feelings." She laughs at this. "Although I guess at this point we're past that, huh? I just wanted to tell you that I love you, Jendeuk. Just so you know, if that was ever lost in translation, or if you ever doubted it or...or anything like that. Plain and simple, love you. And, ah, but I guess I could live without you, if that's the way it has to be. I won't die, I won't hate myself forever, or anything crazy like that. I'm over all that now. But it would, well, it would hurt really bad. If this Japan thing is it for you, I hope it works out for you. I really do. And maybe you'll find some other girl to love, and that would hurt really bad, too. But like I said...I hate seeing you cry, I hate seeing you sad more than anything. So please be okay, for me. Even if it takes Japan, and a girl who's not me. Whatever it takes, okay? Just promise me that before you leave. I think I'd also like to hug you, so if you could...that'd be great to see you before you leave." Her voice becomes shaky at this point. "Sorry for taking up so much space on your answering machine. Bye, Jennie."

My heart swells and my eyes tear, but I think I'm done crying. Honestly, there might not be one more tear in my body. I wrack my brain, trying to think of a way to tell Jisoo how much I love her in a way that she deserves, then I try to think of any way. Any way at all to pretend like I deserve her, even after all this time. After last night. God, after...after that message.