Not Another High School Love Story

19. Sex Education

It's crazy how big of a difference a day can make. It's Saturday now, and I should get a damn medal for how well I've managed to forget the rest of my problems so I can just focus on being here with Brent. Of course he makes it easy. We stayed up super late last night just watching a bunch of old movies while we ate pretty much everything in the apartment and talked shit about everyone we know. In theory there's no reason why this should be any different from any other time we've hung out, but there's an undeniable sense of urgency in the air that I can't quite seem to shake.

I guess it started when we finally decided to go to sleep. When he stayed at my house I gave him the bed and slept on the floor, but the way he hopped right under the covers last night and shimmied over made it clear he expected to share. Not that it was a big deal, I actually really enjoyed it. He was so warm, and he smelled so good like always, and it sent fire racing under my skin to be so close to him for so long. I'm just nervous, and all of this scares me because I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know what he expects.

Today started out mild enough, I'm not sure how we got here. Yet here I am, trapped underneath him while he kisses me hard. Luckily this is something I've had a lot of practice in, so I'm keeping up so far. At some point he slid his hands under my shirt, and in a rush of hormones I let him take it off. His is gone too, I can feel his well-built body pressed against my average one, and his hands are still traveling everywhere they can on the exposed skin, burning me wherever they go. I'm so into him it drives me insane, but everything's happening so fast and I'm helpless.

For a second I wonder if I should tell him to stop, but I don't really want him to. Even if I tried I don't think I could get the words out because he hasn't quit kissing me since we started like ten minutes ago. It doesn't seem to matter that I'm way out of my depth, my body does its best to adapt and I pull him in and tangle my fingers in his hair, enjoying it while I can. God, I want him, but the heat going through me turns cold when he grabs my belt and starts to undo my pants. I manage to break free from his lips but he just turns to my neck instead, lost in a haze of his own hormones.

"I have protection," he murmurs, eager, excited.

"Wait, Brent, I need a minute." My breath is choppy, and I barely manage to grab his hand before it can learn just how happy I am to see him. He's got so much momentum that it's hard to stop, and he stares at me for a long and painful moment before he pulls away. At first I worry that he's mad when I sit up, and I watch him do the same as he takes a deep breath before grabbing a pillow to hide the very obvious bulge in his shorts.

"Shit, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push." Brent exhales and rubs his eyes, so embarrassed that he can't even look at me. His head taps lightly on the wall when he leans back, staring off with a sigh. "I'm sorry."

"No, it's not you, it's just that I've never, you know, done this." I'm safe here, I'm always safe with him, but it makes me feel so ashamed to tell him the truth. I feel like I have to though, if only so he won't think he's done something wrong. It's not like I've ever had a boyfriend before, the only other gay kid I know is Queen, and there's no way in hell I'm getting anywhere close to him. Still, I always knew this day would come sooner or later, but I thought it would be when I went off to college. When Brent looks at me now I can see he's confused, so I make it easier for him as I go on in a hushed whisper. "I'm a virgin."

"Really?" The doubtful surprise in his tone isn't very reassuring. I don't know why he finds it so hard to believe, nobody's ever really been that interested in me—boys or girls. He wouldn't get it, he's probably never looked in the mirror and had the same doubts I've had. Sitting here now, seeing him half-dressed and next to perfection, I'm suddenly aware of how inadequate I actually am. I never thought I'd be in this situation with someone like him, he's so far out of my league, and I'm terrified of what'll happen when he realizes it too. I care about him so much.