Knocking on thirty, single, and plus-sized, Nina finds herself stuck in-between a rock and a hard computer desk chair. Wanting to add some fun in her life, Nina decides to take a co-worker's offer to attend a pool party. What starts to be a small...
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I called Keisha twelve times, no answer. I marched back and forth through the parking lot until I eventually gave up. I decided to take a walk through the neighborhood. I felt like I was on some reality T.V. show, beautiful cars, stack high mansions, perfectly cut grass with the owner's initials mowed in the middle. I am ready to be home in my own one-bedroom apartment. I want to be wrapped in my soft red robe, sprawled out Nubian style in my bed. But no, I'm walking through this pretentious ass neighborhood, trying to run away from a stupid ass pool party, that my flaky ass friend invited me to, then ditched me! I want to cry. My thighs are rubbing together like a match to a match box. Any minute now, they will burst into flames, and these ass hats would probably throw a bonfire and dance over my grave.
I dialed Kiesha one more time before my battery finally gave out. I could have waited by the car. But I didn't want to be near that pool party. I leaned against some randos car to rest my feet. I still heard the music blasting from the party even though I am a couple of blocks away. I know if I get lost, all I had to do is tune my ears to, Lil Shrimp Mo Money and his new hit "Shake, Shake, Shake that Bubble Azz." I noticed they play it almost at the start of every other hour.
More people walk pass me as I stood there doubled over. By their attire, they too, are headed to the pool party. Three men snickered as they are sashaying pass me. One is dressed up in a tight multi-color booty short with pink ears. The other two in speedos with collars around their necks.
I straighten up.
"Are you lost Honey?" the one in multi-color shorts asked.
"No. I just came from the party. I'm just walking about." I pull my cover up closed. They are lean, and I am so frustrated. The two in collars paw at each other, whispering in one another's ear.
"Are you sure Sweetie? Its getting dark out here?"
"No. you guys go and have fun." I force a smile on my face. It wavers with every low giggle the collar guys are making. Eventually multicolor pants grabs the other two and walks on. I moved further and further away from the pool party.
I was too far away before I realized I could no longer hear the music. I found myself replaying every scene from the time I was invited to the party up until where I am now. In every instance, I found myself hating me. For not standing up for myself, for not having witty and smart come backs, for letting people see me defeated, for letting them win, for not having enough confidence to take off this hot ass swimsuit cover up which drapes over me like a winter coat. I know its illogical to think the way I do. Sometimes I find the heart to love myself at home then as soon as I step outside my doors, the world gives me 1001 reasons why I shouldn't.
On one hand, when I try and embrace myself its glorifying obesity and on the other hand, if I hate myself I have low self-esteem and self-worth, and everybody feels pity for me.
All I want is a win.
All I want is to be happy in the skin I'm in.
It's funny how we all want to be accepted, right? Vote if you agree.
