Beauty and the Beast

Part 2: The Carrot And the Stick

Feeling used, but I'm still missing you

I am all alone when I wake up in the spacious four-poster bed. I sit up and look around, confused but understanding all at once.

And I can't see the end of this

I don't remember why I'm where I am at first, but one twitch of my legs, accompanied with the agonizing pain that shoots up my spine, suddenly reminds me.

Just want to feel your kiss against my lips

It was my fault, I admit it now. I shouldn't have run away. I should have stayed put. I should have accepted my fate instead of trying to move the tide myself.

And now all this time is passing by

I look at my hands. Most of my fingernails are broken and ragged, the intact ones full of dirt. I wonder who I am now, since whatever was left of Sophie Gabcik is dead.

But I still can't seem to tell you why

Blond hair, blue eyes. Full lips, pale skin, taller than me, way taller than me. Reinhard Heydrich.

It hurts me every time I see you

I'll do whatever he wants me to now. I'm done fighting him for now. I don't know when I'll be able to do it again. But for now, I can't take anymore.

Realize how much I need you.

I hate you, I love you

I hate that I love you

I can remember Ata's voice now, clear as day, begging me to get up. Why was Ata there? Did Anna panic and tell him after I was brought to the hospital?

Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you.

I hate you, I love you

I hate that I want you

I told Anna not to tell anyone.

You want her,

I wonder if things would be different if I hadn't tried to escape. Would I hurt this much? No. Would I be so depressed and shaken from what happened to me that night? Of course not. So then why? Why did I even try?

You need her,

I don't know what to do now. Perhaps he put me here because he's on doctors' orders not to go near me. Like he would be one to listen to doctors. Like he would listen to anyone.

And I'll never be her.

I miss you when I can't sleep

Or right after coffee, or right when I can't eat

What is going to happen to me now? I'm not even going to try moving, since I can't. The slightest twitch of my leg is agony. I don't want to dare try to get up for fear of blacking out from the pain.

I miss you in my front seat.

Still got sand in my sweaters from nights we don't remember.

The last thing I remember was screaming for him in the hospital. My voice, hoarse and almost nonexistent, blindly screeching Reinhard, Reinhard, like some sort of mantra. I didn't see what happened after that. I think they sedated me.

Do you miss me like I miss you?

Fucked around and got attached to you

Friends can break your heart too

And I'm always tired but never of you

I'm glad they did. In the tattered emotional state I was in, I would have tried to jump out of bed and run after him.
If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit
I threw this reel out but you wouldn't bite that shit
They never told me why I was in such pain, why I bled constantly, why I had to spend lots of time healing from what had happened to me. They only said that my injuries were severe and that I shouldn't exert myself. The doctor—who was male—continuously averted his gaze, hummed and hawed, and looked nonetheless extremely embarrassed as he said it.
I type a text but then I never mind that shit
I got these feelings but you never mind that shit
Oh, oh
Keep it on the low
He never came again. After that one time, I never saw him, never heard his voice, although I yearned for it every day. I would strain my ears just to see if I could hear his voice at all, in the hallways, in another room.
You're still in love with me, but your friends don't know.
If you wanted me, you would just say so
I had no visitors. The nuns that came to take care of me told me that my room had been blocked off and I had been quarantined all but in name. Seeing them reminded me of the cross I had been given by a nun during my first hospital visit. I wonder: if I had been carrying that cross on me that night in the woods, would things have played out the way they did?
And if I were you I would never let me go.
They never let me be too coherent for long. For that I was grateful: whenever I was awake, all I could think about was that night. If I blinked, I saw his face, twisted with rage. If I concentrated, I could faintly hear him breathing heavily in my ear, Lina....Lina...
I don't mean no harm, I just miss you up my arm, wedding bells were just alarms, caution tape around my heart.
The machines would always go wild if I thought too much. Almost like they sensed my distress, they would burst into an ear piercing repertoire of beeps that sent the nurses running into my room. They would feed me spoonful after spoonful of brandy and then leave.
Ever wondered what we could have been? You said you wouldn't and you fucking did.
Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix.
Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed.
The brandy soothed my nerves, calmed my thoughts. And instead of his face, I saw my mother's face, I saw my brother's face, I saw Libena and Maria. I saw my father, smoking his pipe by the fireplace, reading a book while my mother sat next to him knitting.
Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing
Sometimes you've got to burn some bridges just to create some distance
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing
But I learned from my dad that it's good to have feelings.
He has three children. I don't know their names. Two boys and a girl. I can't imagine what he would think if anyone dared to tell him to imagine someone raping his daughter in the middle of a forest at night.
When love and trust are gone
I guess this is moving on.
Everyone I do right does me wrong
So every lonely night I sing this song.
I can't resist him anymore. It no longer sounds banal to me. Letting him have his way with me every single night is no longer so abhorrent.
....All alone I watch you watch her
Like she's the only one you've ever seen
He will show me his good side if I cooperate. If I don't, he will have me shot. If I try to escape again, he will either rape me again or give me to his soldiers.
A single German inflicted this much damage. I wonder what would happen if it were three or four Germans.
You don't care; you never did.
You don't give a damn about me.
What I did was wrong. I understand that now. As traumatic as it was, it was just punishment for a despicable act: one of treason.
Yeah all alone I watch you watch her
She's the only thing you've ever seen
It will not happen again. I will be the private whore of the Reichsprotektor von Bohmen und Mahren and I won't complain.
How is it you never noticed
I could never have it any other way.
That you were slowly killing me.

Reichsprotektor von Bohmen und Mahren: Reichs Protector of Bohemia and Moravia

The italics aren't her thoughts necessarily; they're lyrics to a song I thought would really suit what's going on here because it depicts an abusive relationship or at least an unhealthy one...called "I Hate U I Love U" by Olivia OBrien ft. GNASH

let me know what you think of this chapter! ❤️❤️❤️