read this if you want I'm sure no one would tho.

Comfused or crazy?

Will anyone care if I committed suicide? Actually just forget about me. All I ever do is cause you all trouble. If I'm gone nothing will change. Forget me, act as if I never existed,as if we never talked. No one ever listens, do they? Look, I apologize for causing anyone trouble or pain. I didn't mean to make anyone hurt. I don't want people to feel bad for me I don't want the pity. I apologize if I made you feel like I was just using you to throw my problems at. I never wanted that. I just feel lost and confused, ok? Yell at me if you want I'm used to it. Everyone always says things will get better. Does it ever? No one understands, not even adults who went threw all THIS. Is there something wrong with THIS. Is this not NORMAL? Here I thought it was now people are telling me otherwise I don't know what or who to believe. They say it'll get better soon but NO. Nothing has been getting BETTER. It had just been getting WORSE. "It's because your brain hasn't developed" that's what so and so say all the time. Does that mean that because my brain hasn't DEVELOPED mean you suddenly smarter and understand the horrible pain and thoughts I deal my way through a whole day?

Teachers in school keep saying I'm doing this for attention because I want to get noticed by others. Actually it's the complete opposite. I keep it all inside because If I speak I'll have their attention. That's what I'm trying to avoid. School has been stressing me out more than usual. I keep getting called out of class by counselors to talk about these PROBLEMS I have. One of them I honestly don't have a huge problem with because she somewhat understand that all this is a pain in the butt for me so doesn't bug me about it she does tend to come around out of nowhere and ask me if I'm free to talk and actually gives me choices to pick from, Yes, No, or I don't feel comfortable talking rn. While others are just throwing more problems at me EVERY SINGLE TIME and drag me to a room where there is SOMEONE AT THE OTHER SIDE WHO CAN CLEARLY HEAR EVERYTHING GOING ON. I feel like yelling but I don't want to waste my breath yelling at someone who doesn't understand anything. All they ever do is force me to do things I don't want to do.

"Tell your mother she needs to know. If you can't do that write her a letter explaining everything in detail." The fuck?!!(sorry for the language) 'In detail' Excuse me. The hell do you want me to tell her. Do they even know the pain my mom has to go through already? She has to deal with me and my sibling I don't want to force my problems onto her. I've been trying so hard to quit pushing my problems onto someone else. She has to feed me, take me to the dentist every month. She was broken because of me. Because of MY problems. You have no fucking(sorry again) idea what I did to her on her birthday. I was SCARED OK! I believe I'm a bad person. Nothing I've done has changed that. I never got the affection I needed when I started school all I ever got was pressure.

"No, you're not allowed to eat until you finish your homework" is what my mom would tell me everyday. I would stay pass my bed time only to get yelled at to finish my homework quicker. Sometimes I would even go to bed without any food. To make it worse I got yelled at everywhere I went either way so home did no difference.

Sorry I'm just spilling my thoughts everywhere. Forget it I'm fine. These thoughts had been going on through my head everyday. I was starting to grip onto my phone without noticing when I wrote all this.

Supposedly writing down your thoughts helps but I've been doing this on my sketchbook for two weeks I've just been getting pissed at my counselors for making me hope this would make any better. Honestly it just makes me look like a 'crazy' person because I've been laughing at myself in the middle of the night while I almost bit into my arm yesterday out of frustration.

Crazy right?