Bangtan's Little Problem

LY: Jimin

Jimin was going through vocal training after he had been given the okay by the doctors. His voice recovery had been long, it had been a twelve week journey.

He had tasted a lot of his mother's over cooked but well missed meals. He had painted canvas after canvas with his dad. He enjoyed his little brother's company. He had watched many movies and anime, had caught up in all of Stellvia of the Universe and had cried in all the right places when he watched The Vision of Escaflowne.

He had visited the classics of his childhood. He smiled fondly at how small the swingset of his elementary school looked. He ate ssiat hottuk like he used to do in middle school. He visited his old contemporary teacher and after his third visit she let him use her studio. It was much smaller than what he remembered, but just as effective.

He visited the ocean every day and walked the shores, either alone or with friends he hadn't seen in a long time. As much as he was rehashing his past, Jimin couldn't help but feel lonely. He would be lying if he said he didn't miss his group members. But as much as he missed them, Jimin made point not to reach out to them.

Not that Jimin was ignoring them; quite the opposite. If they texted, Jimin texted back. If they sent him pictures Jimin sended pictures back. He replied, but never sent anything first.

They were all worried or kept apologizing, and that made him both angry and happy.

The first couple of days since Namjoon dropped him off to his parent's house he'd spent them in a continuous limbo state of circular emotions. He didn't allow himself to truly feel them because he didn't understand them, so when he felt an emotion Jimin did his best to identify it; not justify it, feel it just enough to understand what emotion took over him.

It was funny what distance did to him. It almost shielded him from them, as if the fog of love he had for them had lifted like morning dew. It wasn't as though he had stopped loving them, but he was able to see things more clearly. He had given too much to the point of hurting himself; he had let others sway him to the point of almost breaking, and he was angry. Angry at them and most importantly he was angry at himself.

His anger was at their betrayal, at their abandonment for him, their disregard for his feelings. He went back and forth like a pendulum between Yoongi and Taehyung: one day he was angry at one more than the other, until he felt like his heart would burst with pain. Funny enough he didn't hate them, even now he didn't have it in him to hate them.

Sitting in Namjoon's car had been quiet filled with white noise and Namjoon's white knuckles on steering wheel. When the last light of Seoul had turned red and they stood still waiting for their signal Namjoon had spoken up.

"Yoongi-hyung."

Jimi knew Namjoon was smart, but how the hell did he know? His mind raced and it took all of him from dying of shame. He almost pried the door open and took a run for it. He hugged himself, he shivered, and held on to his tears but eventually they fell against his will.

"Suffers from mental illness." Jimin wiped his nose with his sleeve not caring if it got dirty.

As if that had answered all of his questions Namjoon changed gears, slammed on the peddle and took off not caring if the light had turned or not.

So after the anger came and went Jimin would be almost overwhelmed with guilt. In a way he too had abandoned them, abandoned Yoongi, and ran from Taehyung. How was he any better?

So Jimin replied to their texts. Because he knew deep down he hadn't truly forgiven them. How could he? They had hurt him so much. And he felt so ashamed because of Yoongi. He was so embarrassed at what he had said to them that night. Who was he to judge them? Too point out their faults, and at the same time he had felt liberated; like he had finally been able to breathe after twelve days, eight hours, and thirty-two minutes since the studio.