Let Me Down Slowly - Alec Benjamin
The weeks building up to tour had gone by in a flash, but the weeks following dragged for Nathan. He started sleeping at his place again, trying to settle back into life, but it felt like he was acting like Nicole ever existed, so he went back to sleeping at the house. Nathan found himself walking instead of calling taxis to have something to do, he took up extra jobs at work to try to fill the time, he did everything he could to keep himself busy.
His phone was almost always in his hand, he was always waiting for her name to flash up on his screen. Nicole's calls came in the morning and in the evening; when she woke up, and just before she went on stage. She sounded so energetic, and there was always someone laughing in the background. Nicole was always the one who hung up, and Nathan was always left wanting more.
Nathan was craving Nicole's presence more than ever one evening. He had been filling out stacks of paperwork for the new artist the label had just found since he had gotten into the office, therefore was exhausted by the time the clock struck six. Sat at a desk with his earphones in, Nathan stared at his texts with Nicole. They had last spoken that morning; the conversation had been Nicole recommending new music to Nathan as he complained that he felt like he kept listening to the same songs over and over again. He had created a new playlist named after Nicole and had had it on shuffle all morning to try to liven up the dreary task he had been assigned with. It had worked, but he couldn't stop thinking about the girl.
There was just a few more days left until Nathan could see her again. Nicole was to complete the shows in Birmingham that Saturday night, she was to be home by Sunday. Then for a week she would prepare for the tour's double finale in London the following weekend. Nathan couldn't wait to have her in his arms again.
He almost jumped out of his seat when his phone began to ring. Scrambling to grab for it, he almost knocked over his glass of orange juice. He felt guilty when the disappointment settled in; it was Eva calling. Sighing, he swiped and brought the phone to his ear. 'Hey, Ev.'
'Nath, could you do a snack stop on your way back? I'll send you the list.' By the way she spoke so flatly, Nathan could tell she was stressed.
'Sure, I'll be there in an hour or so.'
That was why Nathan was in the Mayfair Sainsbury's Superstore that evening. Eva had had her hands full with Nicole gone; Nicole usually took care of a majority of the household chores, so without her, Eva was having to deal with everything. Nathan had taken up a lot of the responsibilities once he had returned to the house so Eva could concentrate on her upcoming exams.
One issue with living in London that Nicole complained to Nathan about frequently was the attitude of the general public. Nicole hated how rude people were, how they simply just barged past without warning, without excusing themselves. Nathan had never really taken notice of that aspect of the city until he started dating Nicole. Now, every time he was out and about and someone shoved past him, he thought of her.
Nathan had been searching the confectionary aisle for the Korean chocolate wafers Eva liked to stress snack on when a trolley knocked him slightly forward. It hadn't been a hard knock, but it had been enough to make Nathan drop the Korean chocolate in his hands. He immediately thought of Nicole, how she would've shut her eyes in annoyance for a brief moment, she would've then sighed and continued with her day. But she wasn't with him, and he couldn't rub her arm, smile and tell her that it was okay.
'Oh, sorry!' It was a petite woman behind the hefty trolley. Her voice was enthusiastic, her body action rapid; she dived forward to pick up what Nathan had dropped. Nathan was caught off guard, so he just stared down at the woman's head. He thought the way she had plaited her blonde locks was familiar. It seemed that she had recognised him too, as her eyes widened when she stood up and offered him the chocolate back. 'Nathan? Is that you?'
Once Nathan had been able to look at her face properly and their eyes had locked for a brief moment, he froze. He couldn't believe the sheer luck of it being her. 'Oh fuck,' he cursed out loud, unable to contain his shock. He immediately felt uncomfortable, he didn't know what to do with his hands, so he kept them glued to his sides. 'Er, Emma, hi!' She hadn't changed much at all; her hair was the same length, her face still covered in heavy makeup, she still wore coloured contacts, and her fashion sense was as conventional as it had always been. She was still the simple Emma Nathan knew. 'What...what are you...doing here?' Emma looked over at her trolley that she had left to the side of the aisle, Nathan shook his head. 'I meant in London.'
'I live here, I moved last year.' Emma was more disheartened than she was uncomfortable. She had presumed that Nathan had kept tabs on her just like she had kept up to date with his life, but it seemed like that hadn't been the case at all. She felt silly.
'Well...that's great!' Nathan didn't know what to say, the whole ordeal was just so awkward. Though Nathan's mind wandered to the conversation they had had about the city, how Emma had so boldly stated that she would never leave; Nathan shuddered. 'You used to hate London.'
'Nathan, are you okay, you seem really...off.' Emma still had the chocolate in her hand; she offered it forward, and Nathan took it from her.
'I'm just a bit...freaked out.' Nathan admitted, exhaling at once. Emma raised her eyebrow, sort of stunned by the sentence. Nathan took notice. 'I, I just...fuck, I'm sorry, Emma.'
Emma crossed her arms, her lip between her teeth. 'For being freaked out, or...for leaving?'
'I, er, thought you'd bring that up,' Nathan raised his arm to scratch the back of his neck.
Emma couldn't help but chuckle. 'Come on, let's grab a cuppa and have a chat.'
~
Amidst shopping trolleys and cheap halloween decorations the two sat in the Sainsbury's café over two cups of piping hot tea. The awkward atmosphere between them had mostly faded, though they still weren't overtly comfortable. There was still a tension in the air that made Nathan feel sick. He couldn't quite believe he was sat in London with someone who once meant so much to him.
Nathan had been the one to break the silence. 'This explanation is going to make me sound like the biggest prick on planet earth,' he admitted as he stirred his sugar around in the white mug. 'I probably am the biggest prick you know.'
'I wouldn't argue against it.'
Nathan chuckled before settling into a serious tone. 'Emma, I knew I was going to live that same mundane life forever if I didn't get out. It was wrong for me to lie about the UCL offer, it was awful of me to leave without saying anything, but I knew you were going to make me stay.'
'You didn't know that, Nath.' Emma's voice stayed soft, her lip still between her teeth.
'You wouldn't have gone with me, that's for sure, and you knew long distance wouldn't work, so all you could do was to make me stay, you can't tell me that's not true.'
'You took off so I couldn't keep you back.' It made sense to Emma, it explained a lot. Nathan had distanced himself a lot from her during his final weeks in Brighton, he had avoided all discussion about university, he barely left his house. He had been gathering the courage to leave. Emma's fingers played with her mug, her chest becoming heavy. She looked up, catching Nathan's eyes for a moment. Nathan could see the pain he had brewed when she asked him, 'If you had told me, if I'd told you to leave, would you have stayed?'
'Would you really have wanted me to go?'
Emma hung her head, her elbows on the table, her fingers massaging her temple. 'Of course not.'
'Then I would've stayed, I would've done anything for you back then, Em.' Emma wanted to cry, she wanted to wail, but every bone in her body was telling her to act strong. She simply raised her mug and took a large gulp, the tea scalding her throat. 'It was a shitty thing to do, but it got me here. UCL gave me the best years of my life, I've got a great job at a record label, and I've met some incredible people. I did what I had to do, Em, and, God, this sounds so shitty, but I don't regret leaving one bit. It was the best decision I ever made.'
The silence settled once again. Nathan took his first sip of his tea, keeping the mug in his hands to warm him up. He watched as Emma gulped down her beverage at once.
'How did you end up here?' Nathan asked her. Emma placed her mug down, inhaling sharply and shutting her eyes for a second.
'To be honest, Nath,' she begun to talk, her voice firmer than ever. 'I spent my first year at uni thinking you were going to come back. I bumped into your mum every now and then, and she said that you were happy in London. Eventually I realised that you'd moved on, so I decided to move on too. I graduated, worked in Brighton for a year, got an offer in London and took a page out of your book. But, every now and then, I couldn't help but look you up to see what you were up to.' Emma took her scarf off, beginning to feel the effects of the tea. 'I guess I never fully got over you. But, I get it now, moving here helped me understand.' Nathan watched as Emma sighed heavily, a wide smile appearing on her face. 'So, have you met anyone?'
Nathan was a bit taken aback; his mug was still half full. 'Yeah,' he told her, taking his phone out, scrolling through his photo gallery. 'Her name's Nicole, she's a backup dancer, she's actually on tour right now.' Nathan passed his phone to Emma, who glanced at the photo he had brought up. It was the photo they had gotten a stranger to take of them in from to Buckingham Palace on their first date; they were mid laughter because Nathan had cracked a joke just seconds before it had been taken. 'She's half Mexican, she has a cinema loyalty card, she thinks Meek Mill is a better rapper than Drake, she adds an unhealthy amount of chilli powder to her food and dreams of moving to California.'
'You really like her, huh.' Emma passed the phone back; she could tell Nathan was really happy by the way he spoke of her. His eyes had lit up, his mouth upturned. Emma wasn't sure if he had ever spoken about her like that when they were together.
'Yeah, I do,' Nathan's eyes locked with Emma's once again. He smiled sadly at her. 'I'm sorry about everything Em.'
'It's okay, Nath,' she smiled back. 'You were going to leave eventually.'
