I Forgive, I Don't Forget

Chapter Four: Andy Grammer-You Should Know Better

--So um this chapter shall be very mysterious!!

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The noise was steady, each a few seconds apart. It ceased for a moment or two. And it started up again.

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With it finally piquing my interest I open my eyes to see what the noise keeping me awake is. There he stood on my balcony. That shaggy hair, those deep blue eyes. It was just like when we were together. He used to sneak up my balcony and into my room whenever I felt lonely. Especially on those nights when mom worked the latest shift. Just the thought of his strong arms caressing me as I fell asleep brings tears to my eyes. Because it's all over and that's why I know this all had to be a dream. 

I just need to wake myself up. Bring myself back to reality. It seems like I'm always stuck in a fantasy world these days, one made up in my deepest thoughts. I've been spacing out lately, more often than not, just like now. This had to be a dream. A figment of my imagination.

"Let me in." I hear in the back of my head, or so I think.

"Don't ignore me. We need to talk." Once again. Oh, God. I need to go get counseling.

"Avery, it's me, let me in." This is a realistic dream, it almost sounds like Jonas.

"It's Jonas." My eyes flutter open and I shoot to the door, even though this is a dream it wouldn't hurt to check. 

To my surprise, he really is there. I stand there, my eyes wide, staring at the boy looking back at me through my french doors.

"Are you just going to stand there gawking at me or what?" He has to yell to be heard. And despite that fact I can hear the smirk in his voice.

"Yes, minus the gawking. I don't want to talk to you." The truth is that's all I've been wanting to do for the past three months. But, I would never tell him that, he would see me as weak, again.

"I'm not giving you a choice."  Who does he think he is? Ha, he thinks he can still control me.

"What are you gonna do? I'm not letting you in."  Why are you even here?

"I'll find a way in." He says with too much conviction.

"That would be considered breaking and entering. So if you don't want to wind up using soap on a rope, I advise you not to do that." Then I think, that wouldn't be such a bad thing. "On second thought, go ahead. A broken window will be well worth your trouble..." I smile just thinking about it.

"Look, I just need to talk, let me in."

"We can talk right where we are, or I could come out, it's a nice night." I say matter-of-factly.

"Jesus Avery, why do you have to make this so difficult." He mutters under his breath, it was still loud enough for me to hear. "Just let me in," he added "it's nice inside."

"But, it's such a nice night, the stars are out." I argue sarcastically.

"We can do this all night."

"It's fine by me," I say remembering Andy Grammer's song lyrics, "I've got plenty of time."

"Okay, come outside then."  Figuring I had won the argument I unlock the door and retreat to my door hook to grab a hoodie. Big mistake. Jonas then opens the unlocked door and steps inside. The cynical genius. Ok. I may be giving him too much credit. This was my mistake.

"See? There was no need for me to break and enter, you let me in. Looks like I won't be picking up soap for a big guy anytime soon," He then flips the light switch on. "I know you too well."

As much as I'd hate to admit it, he did know me. And what he did was pretty funny. But, the problem with "us" is that I didn't know him as much as I thought I did. He proved that three months ago.

"So, let's get this over with, so you can get out of my house. What is it we need to talk about so badly that you came all the way here at one in the morning?" I say, my patience quickly vanishing. I've already had enough of him and he hasn't been here more then ten minutes.

"I miss you."

"Continue..." I say, my patience was returning involuntarily even though I've heard it all before.

"I- I'm sorry, for everything, for hurting you," He pause. "I really need you--more than I want to. But I can't help it sometimes."

Yeah, this is starting to sound like the four other times he's apologized. Only this time he's taking longer. "I'm not sorry. And," I pause too, "and I don't need you anymore. You think you can hurt me and I'll take you back every time. And that wasn't unnecessarily untrue before. But, this time it's different. I'm over it."

"Over what? Please Aver."

"Don't call me that! I'm over this. You continue to make empty promises about how you've changed and it's just a load of crap. I don't want to have to go through this aga-"

Right then and there he kisses me. It may have been just to shut me up, but it feels good. I try my hardest not to give in but, I fail miserably. But after a few seconds I find the strength to pull away from him and his stupid kiss.  

He always does this to me. He takes advantage of me. He knows what he does to me. He's always been something like a drug to me, I can't get enough of him. But, right about now, I've had enough and I neither need nor want more. I turn away from him, unable to meet his gaze but I feel his eyes on me. "I forgive you." I whisper, mostly to myself.

"What?" He puts his hand on my shoulder, and I'm suddenly aware of everything; how his breathing matches mine, the heat coming from his hand and rising from my cheeks.

"I forgive you." I say a little louder than before "But, I won't forget, anything." Still not able to look into his eyes I walk over to my bed and plant myself there, looking up at my star filled ceiling. They had been there since I was little. My dad and I painted them together, but that was before--when we were a family.

"I can work with that. I'll do anyth-" 

"Save it. If you'll do anything then back off. It's better for the both of us." The words come tumbling out on their own, I'm somewhere else at the moment. 

"Okay." He says, his voice almost a whisper. "We'll start there."

"No, we'll end there. There is no way  in hell that I'm going to date you again."

"We'll see about that." See? He's switched gears so quickly. That's such a Jonas thing to do.

I scoff, "We will see."

"You know you have to love me. You can't help it."

"I'm not going to deny that but, you infuriate me, just like now. I can't deal with you, you're just too into yourself to handle." Then I think he might take that wrong, "And don't take that as a compliment."

"Bye now." I say in a fake cheery voice.

He walks over, kisses me on my forehead and with that he's gone.

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P.S. Look up the song the chapter is named after, I think it kind of explains what is going on here, also, check out Fine By Me (if you haven't already heard it.)