Redemption

Raindrops and Regrets

I’d presumed with the house chores. The sun glittered in the semi-clouded skies like a pearl that floated on the foamy waters of a vast ocean reflecting the fresh morning light. Ammi was still unhealthy even though she said otherwise. She’d lie limply on the cotton mattress all day long. I prepared food for her, bathed her, made sure she changed her sides when she was asleep. I didn’t want her to get sore from being in one position for too long. I was the caring and nurturing mother now. I looked after her the way a devoted mother would; hover over her fragile baby-make sure all of its needs were fulfilled.

She had put on a few pounds, she looked normal but I was always precautious. I couldn’t afford to even let a scratch on her struggling body. She looked fit physically but she was quieter than normal-her health was deteriorating internally-mentally. Her eyes crinkled in concentration every time she looked at me. Her lips would purse every time I asked her what had been wrong. The thought was plaguing me, hat could’ve been plaguing her like that? What was haunting me cheerful Ammi?

There was a shadow etched across her face- a shadow I’d only seen once in all my life. Only once. That day. The day when her stars weren’t aligned. That day; when God ruthlessly snatched away what was hers to keep. God took away a husband from a faithful wife and a father from an innocent child. That was the only time; I’d seen my mother so distant.

He seemed okay at the hospital but the morning after we came home she just shut down. I don’t know what happened. I had spent eighteen years under the same roof as her and I could practically read her mind-her face and I grew helpless and restless as I saw her slip away. There was nothing I could do to bring her back.

I slipped away into my thoughts as I stared into thin air and mindlessly worked my fingers into chopping the vegetables. The blade pierced through the delicate skin of my left thumb-pad and I was reeled out of my realm. Sparkly, crimson blood trickled down the backbone of the knife blade and slid down it’s breadth onto the wood of the cutting board. On reflex, I motioned towards the sink and unscrewed the tap to let the cold water gush on top of my bleeding thumb.
I wrapped the red streak on my thumb with band-aid and continued with my daily work.

“Here you go,” I said as I placed the plastic tray on her bedside table. I hugged her and slid my hands behind her back to help her sit straight.
“Thank you,” she said in a croaky voice. It felt like she’s been crying. I didn’t ask her or push her. I knew she wouldn’t tell me and pretend like it’s the aftermath of sleep. Her words were broken and raspy, it felt like someone stomped on her voice-box.      

“So, how’re you feeling? Do you want me to get something for you? Maybe water or some drink?” I was rambling. I just desperately tried to strike a conversation with her. I just wanted the pent up words to flow out. I just wanted to talk to her like I always did-unabashedly. Freely            

“It’s okay.” And then a long, heavy and uncomfortable silence followed by. I couldn’t take it any longer. I was sick of her short, clipped answers. I looked at her once more and walked off.

I twiddled with my thumbs as my anger washed off and guilt enveloped me. She was the only family I had left and she could be so exasperating at times. But she’s ill; a voice inside me rose up. She’s fighting. Then why won’t she let me help her? This isn’t just her battle, I’m here too. You’re right but she needs her own space. She needs to stand up for herself. She needs to make peace with the fact that she’s not going to be the same anymore. Great, I sighed. I was fighting with my own conscience now.

“Safiya jan.” Ammi wobbled along the length of the corridor.
‘Ammi,” I bolted back up and dashed in her direction.
“You’re not supposed to walk. You’re supposed to be in bed. Why are you here?” You could’ve just called me.” I shot in one breath.
 She chuckled. “Come here, pari” she wrapped her limbs around me and breathed calmly.
We sunk on the hardwood floor and sat there in each other’s embrace. She looked at me with such motherly love and affection as she tucked behind stray tendrils behind my ears.