Junior Year

Ouch - December 20th, 2018

Thursday

I need to be happy for him right. If Peter likes Lily I need to just let it go and move on. Thinking about it all the time is only going to make things worse. 

Last night Peter asked me a question and I just left him on open. I couldn't take it anymore. My heart felt like it was in my stomach and I couldn't breath. It was 11 and I was tired but I couldn't go to sleep. I just sat in my bed with my lamp on staring at the wall. I go a phone call. I looked and it was from Peter. I pressed end. He texted me again so I opened it. He typed,

"I love you" 

"Don't tell Lily I said that"

"But I do"

"I love you"

I typed back,

"I love you too"

What I really wanted to say was "I'm in love with you Peter, why can't you see that? I'm always the one taking care of you when no one else will and no matter what shit you put me through I am always right here. I love you more than words can describe and I've done nothing but try and show you that for the past three years!" But I didn't.

He typed back,

"I'll tell you way tomorrow"

And then he went to bed. 

I'm in 3rd period right now. Peter and I have study hall together in 8th period so I'm guessing he will tell me why then. I only have guesses to why he would say that right then. 

Peter has told me he loves me before. That's something we have always said to each other, over text and in person. He says it when I'm mad at him, he says it when he's drunk, he says it when we are facetimeing at two in the morning, he says it when he's super happy, he says it when I've written his entire English paper for him, and he always knows just when to say it to make me feel better. It's just something he tells me a lot and I always say it back. I believe he really does love me. I mean I've done so much for that kid he better love me, and I really do love him. Just not a romantic love. A best friend love is all we have.

Maybe that's for the best. If we are just friends I can still hang out with him and talk to him about I don't have to constantly worry about him breaking my heart. Maybe if he is dating Lily I will FINALLY get over him and move on to someone who actually likes me. Damn, that would be nice.

Not a guy who only wants to kiss and fuck. Not a guy who uses me. Not a guy that likes someone else. A guy who actually likes me and only me and me no matter what I say. Ugh that's gonna be hard to find.

I've only been sleeping for about 4 hours every night this week (except Wednesday when I was sick, I slept like 14) and then I just load up on caffeine. I also haven't been eating. I've felt so fat lately and if people saw me they would say I'm too skinny to think that but I do. My body probably hates me right now and that's probably just adding to me being depressed and sick but oh well.