Saudade

1

I love those days when the weather is a perfect blend of warmth and coolness. The chill breeze manoeuvres through the strands of my hair. The gleam of sunshine provides just the warmth required to paint an aesthetic morning in front of my eyes. I lean on the wall and stare at the sky. Random poetry escapes my lips. But I know that my mind is preoccupied with thoughts of you.

I recollect those moments of regret. I regret being clingy. It's now, after months of reading and re-reading those texts, that I realise how much he'd gone out of his comfort zone just to make me feel okay. But I was ever so demanding and clingy. I regret that. I regret being a drama queen. I pushed him too much that he even stopped talking to me for a long while. But eventually, with a sorry message every alternate day for four months, I got him to talk back to me. But yes, that's a period of time I regret.

A ghost of laughter escapes my lips. I'm brought back to reality. I see young children playing, chasing each other, laughing heartily. Life hasn't bestowed any regrets on them yet. So pure and ignorantly blissful to the cruel world that surrounds them.

That takes me to another memory. A day I'll probably never forget. A day that will always remain the soft spot that I'll look back upon.

It was raining pretty heavily. We were all asked to stay indoors. I love rains. Poetry and rains make the best combination. I leant onto the door. The rain and the soft sunshine. My favourite weather. My favourite poem humming inside my head. I stared out at the pouring rain. What I failed to notice was that he stood in my line of sight. When I did realise that, I just smiled. No nervousness or awkwardness felt because that's what the weather does to you. It brings out the true happiness inside you. And here comes the best part : he smiled back. That moment. It runs in loop inside my head.

It was the beginning of something beautiful. Since then, we saw a change in each other. We longed for each other's glances. We missed one another. All these emotions were exchanged in mere glances.

But neither of us ever took the first step. We were afraid of what may happen. We almost made it. Almost. Isn't that the saddest word? It brings all the efforts put in to seem like a failure. But yes, it is too late. Way too late.

A gust of wind breaks my reverie. I break into a small tear, a small smile dancing on my lips. It is an intricate emotion. The feeling of missing someone. It's a bittersweet emotion and it is funny how we react to it. I shake my head and retreat.