Saudade

2

Though the last time I felt this feeling was years ago,the wound is still fresh. My heart feels like a huge iron ball slowly being tugged down. It seems so heavy. I can't smile naturally anymore. It seems so difficult for my lips to frame a smile. That is so unlike me. I always smile, even when there is no reason to. My pillow is stained with my tears. My eyes are puffy. It hurts even as I type this. Yes, even this mild screen light is hurting my eyes. My breaths are staggered. I feel like I'll break down any moment. But I can't. I'm not allowed to cry here. I'll be called an attention seeker. And I don't need to hear that now.

It's so difficult to hold the pain. I let it out to my best friend. She's of great help but I can't cling on to her always. I tried going out to a café. I binge ate chocolate. I had so much popcorn. I watched Sherlock. I tried singing my heart out. Dancing. Nothing seems to distract my mind from his words. All it proved is that every single thing I love in this world matters nothing when I compare it to the love I have for him.

He said he does not love me. Those glances, those smiles..... Nothing was true. He doesn't even seem to remember that those things even happened. He said it. He said no. He said that like I'd asked him how the weather was today. So simple. So easy. If it's something so trivial, why does it still freaking hurt? It's been weeks but why? Why does it hurt?

After five years, I built myself up from the shards that my previous love had broken me into. I built myself up just to be broken yet again.

Why do I fall again and again into the same painful situation? Am I so stupid that, even after so many times, I fail to understand that my love will never be returned? Why do I still yearn for him even after he threw me away in a blink of an eye? Why do I crave and relish this pain?

It's a bittersweet pain. The agony of wanting someone you can never have.