Just another bottle

1.

So forgive me if I fantasize about being gone today.

Almost. The word that Min Yoongi despises most of all. It's all that he can think about as his heavy gaze meets his paper, pen shaking in his fragile, pasty fingers. Everyone else has left the studio long ago, promising to bring him coffee and donuts in the morning from his favorite café. Jimin had even pet his bleached hair with a coo, hugging him tight before wandering out behind the rest of his band mates. Yoongi simply watched them leave, bottom lip wobbling and eyes glossed over with unshed tears. They didn't know what Yoongi was working on, of course not.
He keeps his works secret, always.
He scribbles on the lined paper underneath his artificial lighting, his print sloppy from his blurry vision. He doesn't bother to turn on his computer, too entranced in his work.
On the outside I was fine, in the inside a coward.
The man doesn't realize he's crying until he sees the damp blotches on his paper, sniffling harshly and bringing his free hand up to wipe at his now running nose. Everyone knew of Yoongi's anxiety and depression, but they didn't understand the length of it. The pain he feels every day, the dread he feels when he opens his eyes each morning. Sometimes, he's too afraid to sleep and face the next day. He's spent the majority of his life terrified of people, mortified to make mistakes and disappoint.
The blonde clamps down on his bottom lip and crumples the note in his hand, tossing it across the room with a choked sob. They didn't notice his bottles of pills, of course they wouldn't. They were too busy in their own minds, embracing each other with open arms and laughter that fills up any room.
I know you thought about it, so just do it you coward.
Yoongi takes his head in his trembling palms, foot bouncing against the floor with loud thrums. His heartbeat pounding in his eardrums, for once he's glad his studio is sound proof. He doesn't have to hold in his screams and cries, pushing out of his chair and kicking it down. His skinny legs carry him to his desk, where he reaches for his prescriptions. He doesn't bother to read the labels, he opens the bottles and dumps each and every pill onto the surface.
I'm not going to be a slave to the voices of anxiety.
He's thought of this moment for years, begged and wished for it countless times. Never having the courage to actually down each pill, swallow them dry even when he feels like he's going to choke. His dark eyes close tightly and he swallows in handfuls, gagging on some and even doubling over with tears streaming down his cheeks and chin.
I'm so sick of this spotlight.
Soon enough, all that's left are empty bottles shoved to the floor, with a heaving boy falling onto his couch and beginning to grin. He's finally done it, finally he won't have to wake up the next day only to face the same things over and over again.
They didn't notice him packing his clothes away and giving his belongings to each member, with a small smile and crinkled eyes. Yoongi's always been generous, it's nothing new. Right?
The only one that had showed concern was namjoon, having known the man the longest. He rubbed yoongi's back and spoke to him calmly, sharp eyes turning soft for his friend who simply shrugged his shoulders.
Other people can't help you but I might know how.
Yoongi stares at the pictures on his wall as best he can, vision dull and becoming blotchy. Taehyung smiles back at him through an image they had taken together, his boxy grin on display to brighten the world. Taehyung always knew how to bring a smile to his face. They have opposite personalities, which simply makes them closer.
Please don't do it.
Jimin. Oh, Jimin. The boys eyes could reveal a whole new world to explore. The boy is fragile and broken, yet he chooses to be strong for everyone around him. He always knows how to try yoongi's tears and give him comfort simply by sitting on this very couch.
You're a fraud.
Jungkook was like a little sibling, always giving playful arguments and pushing him around. Drinking with him and allowing him to speak in drunken slurs.
You chose to love your sin.
Jin is a mother figure to all of them, really. Who doesn't know that? He makes sure that Yoongi eats when he locks himself up for days, and scolds him for not sleeping enough.
You could've asked for help.
Hoseok is a ray of absolute sunshine. Teasing Yoongi and laughing wholeheartedly, wrapping his strong arms around the pale boy with coos. Yoongi would be lying if he said he didn't love the boy dearly.
What do I say?
Namjoon. Namjoon has known him for more than five years, lived with him and stayed with him through hardships. They built each other up on the daily. Too bad Yoongi isn't as strong as their leader.
Yoongi can't keep his eyes open any longer, they burn from the exhaustion that takes over his body and courses through his veins. His limbs begin to feel heavy, so, he allows himself to slip into a medicated slumber. Limp body strewn over the couch, head lolling back and eyes rolling.