The Monocle's Eye

Chapter 25

 I knew it was long past that time when I did awake. I knew it from the sweet red taste, the warm feeling as it dripped down my chin, my jaw clenched around her neck, her weight on me as she doubled over, partly limp. I shouldn't have let her go, but I did. Even in this state, I could not bear to suck her dry. It felt like a wave of warmth coming over me as the blood slipped down my throat. My body stilled, my eyelids felt light, my limbs floated above the bed instead of sunk deep into it like a scared animal burrowing a shelter, and my head, cleared like a wave had swept all the clutter away. When I opened my eyes, the figures before me were clear, and so godly pale looked Rosetta before me.

She looked like a skeleton, her blue eyes hollow and dull, even her black hair had no shine, and beneath her eyes there were puffy bags of purple veins. Had she always looked like that? Had I looked like that all this time? But wasn't I skipping over something, something major, something I could see clearly now. If she had done what she must of done, and I was truly punishing her with my coldness and banishment, she would not be able to let me drink, and furthermore drink more than I should have been allotted, for now she was swaying, back and forth like an old tree in the wind. I could almost hear the wood crackling and the trunk screeching as she bent. How long would it be until she fell?

But that statement, contradicted itself greatly. For she had let me drink, so it could not be an impossibility. God, if there are two options, and only one can be true, and one is proven true, the other is false. She let me drink. Then, she had done nothing. I saw her eyes search my face franticly as I came upon it, ripping through the strands of my eyes to pull apart their red hugue, and see what lay beneath. And when she spoke, I felt perhaps I had never heard her speak ever before.

"The girl who had never even done much of anything with her own betrothed, never touched a man, pregnant with a child. And here I was being yelled at for treason, betrayal, infidelity, and I understood better than anyone what it looked like. It looked like I had gone off and cheated on the Queen of my own country, my own fiancé. But I hadn't, and I knew no one would believe that. Not knowing what to do, my life in shambles, my hormones a mess, and a country chanting for my death, I sketched out a letter to the only people I was confident would keep it and fled." Her arms flung up as she turned, restless to pace, but unable to walk from her spot, for lack of energy.

"It took me years to forgive those I had poisoned to get away. I managed finally, but it did nothing to lighten the stains that coated me from the experience. I might not have cheated on my bride, but I had condemned many of my family to suffering, left my Queen in shambles, and wrecked her reputation. And here I was being selfish and wanting to run back to her, wishing she might hold me again, but I had soiled my body with the labor of normalizing the child of a mystery. How can I hand my own filthy being back to you and expect you to treat me as you once had, even if I have not betrayed you?" Her head dropped and I watched a crystal tear fall to the carpet.

I stood and took her in my arms, if only to prevent her from falling. Never had I realized she was this much shorter than me than when she looked away from me, her blur eyes guarded by the loose black hair upon her head. It fell on her forehead. I wanted more than anything to brush it away. I don't deserve her, and she deserves so much better than me, but she doesn't think that, and I've taken plenty which I have not deserved before. Could I just maybe, take one more little gem from the world's treasure chest? It was the prettiest of the gems, but no one else was going to grab it. But I could not, not with all those other gems balanced atop her.

"So it was all my fault?"

"No, it's my fault. I chose to let my body fall as provider of my child's wellbeing, I chose to stay silent and sane, I chose to come back. It's all my fault."

"And I chose to banish you from me, I chose to let you slip through my fingers into the harsh hands of the world, when you had done nothing to deserve it. Oh my god, you did nothing to deserve it. It took the world four thousand years to create a rauzire good enough, just to throw you out. Do I have to wait another four thousand? You know I can't do that, not even in death, I can't. No amount of anyone's blood could wake me from the sleep that lurks beneath my lids now."