To Love And Be Loved

Chapter 30

The days blurred into a collage of common images: the warmth that bloomed in her chest at the sound of his voice, the sense of content she felt whenever she was sprawled on his couch in his loft while reading one of his poetry books, the sound of his breath in her ear.

The days had come and gone and suddenly, it was the first day of November. It left her breathless in anticipation, but she wasn't sure what she was waiting for.

The previous night, Victor had tossed and turned throughout the night. He looked so terrible that she had felt concerned and had invited him over, after her mother, Hanna and Zara had gone to a trade fair down town and Gabriel had gone to hang out with Kolade.

She lay in the curve of Victor's arm as he flipped between various movie channels. They finally settled on a fantasy movie with CGI that looked like a dog had thrown up the animated object. A dragon that looked like it had been disconnected from its wings was roaring red fire when Cass finally spoke.

"You haven't been sleeping lately."

"I look terrible, right?"

She lay her head on his chest, the steady beat of his heart and the vibration that rang through his throat as he spoke made her feel warm. It was pleasant and better than any lullaby. "Yeah. Do you have nightmares?"

He sighed. "No," he sighed. "I just haven't been able to sleep well. I don't know why."

She turned her head to look up at him. "What about sleep therapy?"

He gave a small smile. "I'll be fine, Cassie."

She pulled her head away from his chest and looked at the screen, where a knight was fighting the ugliest goblin she had ever seen.

"How come there is just one picture of your dad?" asked Victor, pointing at the picture of her father that was above the flat screen. The living room was dotted with framed pictures of her mother and siblings. Their father had only one picture there. He was the odd one out. It was the only picture she had of him, back before he was the famous Michael Macaulay, the genius car designer. In the picture, he was on a beach, wearing a white shirt and a brown khaki. Gabriel had taken the picture. It was only six years ago but felt like a lifetime.

"Oh," she said, trying to remove the strain from her voice. "He's terminally absent."

"What do you mean?" asked Victor.

Cass watched the knight kill the goblin and jump onto his horse. A flying creature chased him through a farm. It was hard to tell whether it was a goblin or a dragon. She didn't look at Victor but she knew he was watching her, not the television. She didn't know what to say. It was like feeling sick and then becoming dumbstruck when you got to the doctor.

The knight on the screen had reached a castle and immediately he gave a cry, archers appeared on the wall and began to shoot his pursuer. The creature screamed and whirled back.

"I'm sorry," said Victor, softly. "Its none of my business, I shouldn't have asked."

"No," said Cass. "I need to say it. I read somewhere that bottling things up is bad."

"Okay."

"I'm beginning to think that he loves his work more than he loves his family. The last time he felt like a real dad was my first year of secondary school. After that, just absence."

Cass swallowed. Was that really her voice? she thought.

Victor brushed her cheek with his thumb. "I'm sure that's not the case. You are his family, of course he loves you."

"Really? Then why does it feel like there is this empty space where he's supposed to be? It breaks my heart to think of what Gabriel and Hanna might be thinking, especially Hanna, she's so small and delicate and-" She couldn't finish the sentence. She didn't know how to end it.