The Process of Losing & Gaining

5.Wish Upon the Stars

"Very interesting choice." Jaime said to me once I opened my door. I laughed at him for his blue ninja turtle suit.
"I can say the same about you." I joked. I was dressed as the Hatter. I decided it would be good and I'd get to have a little piece of Rosa with me.
"Nah to be honest I had this." I thought at first he was completely joking but I soon realized he wasn't.
"Oh my god," I threw my hand over my mouth and spoke through it, "you seriously had that?" he nodded his head shamefully. The whole ride to the party, I tried to get Jaime to tell me why he had it but he wouldn't budge. Once I stepped in the door I realized all of the Pierce the Veil boys were a different ninja turtle.
"We planned it." He told me. He was so close I could feel his breathe on my ear. I guess that boy really had some ninja in him because before I knew it he was in the other room grabbing beer. "One for you." he offered one to me as I walked up. I shook my head.
"I can't drink." I spoke.
"Why not?" We had to speak over the music. There were a lot more people than I assumed were attending.
"I shouldn't have drank that one night. Alcoholism is the same as drug abuse and can often mix." I told him what I had been told a thousand times before. In rehab people fought more on whether alcoholics should be there more than they fought with themselves to get better. That was the catch I guess you can't get better unless you want to, and you couldn't get better unless you focused on it.
"Oh I'm sorry." He gave me an overly cheeky smile as he gave me a 'my bad' face. It was honestly adorable. Just then, I saw Mike out of the corner of my eye causing me to turn my head. He was staring at me like he had been for the past week but this time it was different. His eyes looked sad. I furrowed my eyebrows and he turned his head away as his hand snaked around a full bottle of Jack Daniels.
Typically, I'd tell him not to do it but he wasn't going to listen so I didn't waste my breath. Jaime dragged me over to Adalyn and Tony. I loved Tony. He was like my brother. I just didn't like Adalyn all that much. I felt childish for saying so but I just had the feeling I shouldn't trust her. I didn't trust the way she controlled Tony or the way her interest in material was stronger than her interest in Tony.
"Hey Tone." I half waved at him. He smiled and copied the pathetic gesture.
"Hi Iris, what have you been up to?" He was always sincere when he talked to someone.
"Nothing in between work." It was the truth.
"Where do you work?" Adalyn suddenly jumped in.
"I'm actually an independent photographer." I enjoyed my job.
"I would have figured a cheap job for an addict." she didn't say it loud whatsoever but I still heard her. I clenched my teeth. Who is she to talk shit about me? I didn't say anything though because I didn't want to be a drama queen at the party.
"Jaime dance with me!" I exclaimed grabbing his arm and pulling him away from her. We danced for a few songs and I got a bottle of water and we just sat down off to the side talking when Jaime suddenly leaned over to my ear.
"Mike's headed over here. I think he wants to talk to you he's been staring at you since we walked in." Jaime said to me. I looked to my right and sure enough he was. "Catch up with me later, okay?" I nodded and Jaime left for Mike and I to talk. As Mike walked up to me, I became nervous. It felt like forever since he actually talked to me.
"Wanna take a smoke?" he asked me. I nodded and we made our way outside. "So-" he spoke putting a cigarette in between his lips.
"So?" I asked pulling one of my own out. For a moment, we sat there alone, smoking our cigarettes, listening to the music emanating from the house.
"I'm sorry for getting so mad about the whole thing. I just hated that you were unhappy. That's all I wanted was for you to be happy." his free hand scratched the back of his neck. "Don't make fun of me here because I'm not joking. I really like you, like more than a friend. It hurt a lot to see you unhappy and I couldn't help you feel better. I've fought with myself over and over to make a move and fuck it." His lips crashed onto mine and I was more than startled. It hurt a little because with all his nerves he bit my lip a little and his piercing had slammed against my skin. I pushed him off of me with hardly any force. He backed up and he looked a little terrified.
"Mike, I can't-" I started but he didn't let me finish.
"Please just hear me out. You know I've been here for you for four years. I'm not going to leave you. I know all there is to know about you and I still find you perfect because you are whether you choose to believe it or not you are. Look, I love you Iris. I d-"
"Just stop!" I exclaimed cutting him off. There were tears in my eyes now. "I can't do this with you. Mike, I love you but not the way you want me to. I don't think I can love like that. Did you forget I hardly could let you in as a friend?" I took a deep shaky breath trying to calm myself but it was a failed attempt. "I have to go." I ran past him before he could stop me and as I made my way through the party I could here Mike call after me. I walked past everyone and made it out the front door. I really needed a distraction so I did the only thing I have ever done. Entering a phone number I was surprised I still remembered, I prayed it was still his.
"Hello?" Their voice was sickly sweet.
"Max, it's Iris. You partying tonight?" I asked trying my best to keep my voice steady.
"Not the kind you do anymore baby."
"Tonight, I do."Once I made it to the party Max had been at, which wasn't too far from the previous one I was at, I took a breathe of relief. I quickly texted him asking where in the house he was.
'Up rhe syeos my frienf' was the response I got. It took me a second to decipher but I assumed the only place up is the steps so I went for it.
'What door?' There were only three doors but they were all shut. Soon enough Max stepped out of one of them and gestured for me to go over to him. He let me in the room. He wasn't the only one there. There was another pair, with their tongues shoved down each others throats.
"Hey babe, long time no see." Max threw his arms out for a hug. His embrace was tight and heavy like he didn't want to fall. "Okay you have to try this stuff." He walked past me and flopped onto the floor. He then picked up a bag with pills in it.
"What is it?" I asked. Just because I've been in rehab doesn't mean I'm a drug expert.
"X. Trust me this is the safest stuff in the country. We get it from this guy who I know I can trust." I just stared at him debating actually doing this. People have died from ecstasy, and the side effects
"You promise it's safe?" I took a step towards him.
"Yes." he nodded. I trusted Max. I've known him longer than Mike but I also haven't talked to him since I met Mike. I put my hand out and he didn't hesitate to drop it in my hand. I swallowed it before I could change my mind. "Let the fun begin."
Later into the night, I had gotten so many calls from all of Pierce the Veil combined I shut my phone off. I didn't want to talk to them, especially cause I was flying high. I started to feel hot and my vision was blurred. Max had said something that made him bust out laughing and even though I didn't understand what he said his laughing was contagious. So we just sat there laughing at nothing for what felt like eternity, until Max turned to me and his laughing cut short. He grabbed my hand pulling my downstairs.
"Let's dance." He told me. I smiled at him.
"Dancing would be so much fun!" I exclaimed. At first we weren't in sync at all and then we caught up with each other as our bodies started to move together. He leaned in towards me and started to kiss me. Why is everyone kissing me tonight?
I couldn't muster up the energy to tell him to stop so I didn't bother. It was just kissing right? As soon as I thought it I must have jinxed it. He pushed me against a wall and ran his hands to my hips. He started to grind on me and his mouth went for my neck. It felt good, like really good. Soon my hands were on his back as he nibbled as the skin on my collar bone. This was okay to me. I wasn't nervous and the thought of it escalating didn't even cross my mind. I mean the 'couple' from before are still just making out and fondling each other. One of Max's hands went do the zipper on my costume and the other was in between my thighs. I quickly stepped away from the situation. I was now arms length from him and ready to get to the door.
"Max. I can't." I told him. He put his hand around my wrist. I was so dizzy I wasn't sure if I could keep standing much less remove his grip. He stepped toward me until there was hardly an inch between us.
"Come on Iris. You owe me one." His lips went for mine again but this time I shut my eyes tight and turned my head. His hands grabbed onto both of my wrists as he licked and sucked on my neck. I was feeling panic by then. I didn't owe him anything.
"Max, stop please." I raised my voice and that seem to startle him enough to loosen his grip. I pushed him as hard as I could. I got more than a few stares but I couldn't have cared less. I made my way out the door. I reached in my back pocket to turn on my phone. Why do I get myself into this situation? Not long after it turned on I had a call from an unknown number. Being desperate enough to get away from there I answered.
"Who is this and why are you calling me?" I wasn't desperate enough to answer nicely. T
"Hey, she picked up this time." they spoke to the people around them. I was just about to hang up. "It's Vic. Where are you? Are you alright?"
"I'm fine but I need to leave where I am. I don't know where but I know how to get back to the party we were all at can I meet you there?" I asked. I hoped I could get back. I thought I could.
"Are you sure you should?" The voice wasn't from Vic this time, it was Mike. "Jaime and Tony went to the left and we went to the right. Do you happen to be in either direction?" he asked.
"I think I'm to the left. I don't know." I told him. My head throbbed and my vision still wasn't too great.
"Can you see any house numbers?" Vic spoke this time. I looked around me. I could hardly make it out but told them the one of the party. "That's up their way. I'm going to call them to meet you and we'll hop in the car to catch up. Just stay where you are." I promised I would and then he hung up. The world around me was spinning. I laid down and stared at the stars, wondering why they always seemed so far away. I thought about why people make wishes on stars and why the stars never granted them. There were so many times I'd tell the stars to watch over Rosa, to make sure she was happy and they let her down. They let me down. By that point I was mad at the stars so I shut my eyes.
"Fuck." I muttered to myself as I sat up to get a cigarette. There was a film of white and more stars appeared in my vision. I kept looking for any familiar face but, even as people walked past me, I didn't know any of them. Suddenly there was a hand cupping my cheek. My head felt so heavy I didn't flinch away from their grasp. I recognized the hand as soon as there was a voice to connect it to.
"Are you okay?" It was Jaime. I nodded my head to tell him I was but my eyes started to well up with tears and the intensity of what could have happened with Max hit me.
"The stars are assholes." I told him. He laughed at me for a split second and then grew concerned.
"Did you drink?" He asked me. I shook my head no. "Then what are you on?" I thought for a moment trying to recall.
"I took a pill that had a letter for a name." I spoke grabbing his hand and running mine over top. I loved the way his hand felt and I began to wonder if all of him felt that way. I registered for the first time that Tony was there. I looked up at him. "Tony feel his hand it's amazing." He shook his head no with a smile playing at his lips. I started to laugh but Jaime didn't think it was funny.
"Okay, come on." He put his one hand around my back and the hand I had been playing with went under my legs as he lifted me off the ground. Just then Vic's car pulled up and Mike jumped out of the passenger seat.
"Mikey!" I exclaimed, stretching my arms out to him.
"She's high," Jaime paused for a second, "on ecstasy."
"What the hell made you do ecstasy Iris?" Mike's voice was loud and it made me curl up closer to Jaime. "People die from it. Why are you so self-destructive?"
"Max said-" I started but was cut off.
"Max? You left to do drugs with that prick? Did you forget what he did to you?"
"Stop yelling at her!" Jaime's chest vibrated with his anger.
"Don't you tell me what to do, especially when it comes to her." Mike said through clenched teeth.
"Both of you fuckers can shut up right now and get in the damn the damn car." Vic jumped in. Everyone listened to his words. Mike didn't get in the passenger seat where he had been though. He got in the back. Jaime placed me in the middle and he got in next to me leaving Tony to get up front. The shock of everything hadn't died down in my body yet and outside of my body you could cut the tension with a knife. I was getting dizzy again and I just wanted to rest my head. With everything that had happened with Mike I laid my head on Jamie's shoulder and my eyelids quickly became heavy as I started to fall asleep rapidly.