The Process of Losing & Gaining

8.Something left to be learned

"Hi I'm Iris," I've been going to therapy for three months now. Today was the first time I spoke, "I've been here thirty six times, I keep being asked why I'm here. I'm not an addict." I got a few confused looks from that. It's therapy for addicts, specifically ones who have admitted it. "I just don't know how to handle being close with people so I turn to anything I can. It has been drugs. It has been a drink. To be honest, I can be honest here, it's been a razor before.
"A close friend of mine asked me to come here after I took ecstasy and got in a bad place. I met that friend in rehab when I was seventeen. Young, I know. But I'm here and besides a couples of nights last month I was completely off alcohol and drugs since seventeen. I'm twenty one now so that was four years with the exception of two nights."
"Now, when you told your story you said you took ecstasy one night but you weren't sober two." The therapist spoke.
"A few nights before that I got pretty wasted at a bar." I admitted. "But I called a friend when I needed help."
"The same one from rehab?" a girl from the group asked.
"No a different one. I only have four friends actually." I definitely didn't count Adalyn and I hardly knew Jazz.
"What about your family? What were their opinions?" My face grew red and my heartbeat raced.
"I haven't talked to them since they dumped me in rehab when I was young."
"You haven't talked to them in four years?" the therapist asked.
"No. I hate talking to them. They make me want to hurt myself."
"What about a boyfriend? You're too pretty not to have one." A guy around my age spoke up.
"I'm not but thank you. I've only had one boyfriend and that was in high school. I dated him and we would make out a lot and smoke weed together." I was talking about Max. He was the reason I ever thought about turning to drugs when Rosa died.
"You haven't been with anyone since?" the same guy spoke.
"No, I only had one friend up until September. I really hate getting close to people."
"You need to let people in girl." A new girl spoke up. "How do you expect to change when you make yourself feel empty because you won't let anyone love you?" They all were so open and into helping me. It was strange.
"I don't want to get close to anyone just for them to leave me. My best friend when I was seventeen killed herself. My boyfriend left when he got caught selling drugs. My parents dumped me in rehab. I didn't get out until I was eighteen and could sign myself out. They all leave." By now I was in tears. "Once I got in rehab I swore I wouldn't let anyone in. Mike is a stubborn asshole who wouldn't let me be alone."
"What about the other three?" the therapist spoke up again.
"One is his brother and the other two are his friends. Jaime is just the same as Mike. He was the one I called when I got drunk."
"Why didn't you call Mike?"
"He was mad at me because I had cut."
"Seems like Jaime is a really sweet guy." the second girl to have spoke said to me.
"He is."
"Then why aren't you with him?" She exclaimed. I looked around to everyone else. They were all giving me a face that said 'well?' I didn't know. I like Jaime and he liked me back. He's proven that he'd stay through tough times.
"I've been too afraid, I guess." I admitted.
"I usually don't say this but what you were told earlier was right. How do you expect to get over your need to turn to drugs when something goes bad if you don't let somebody, a real person, fill up the emptiness you create by pushing people out. I'm not saying depend on a man to make you okay. I'm saying let friends be there to help you through bad times. And if someone wants you more than a friend, let them love you, love them back." The therapist spoke. They were right.
"Thank you, I have to leave today but I'll see you next week." I gathered my stuff and everyone said good bye as I headed out the door. I threw my stuff into my car as I headed to Jaime's place. I assumed he saw me pull up because by the time I parked my car he was heading towards me.
"Hey, you okay? How was therapy?" he asked.
"I'm more than okay and it was great." I ran up to him giving him a hug.
"Okay, than why are you here early?" he asked laughing at me.
"I had to talk to you." I told him.
"About what?" he asked.
"Remember how I told you not to flirt with me?" I suddenly felt shy. He nodded as a response. "Well, I mean I'm terrible with being flirty so don't flirt with me," he gave me a face that showed how incredibly confusing I am, "but you could compliment me on a date. If you're still interested." He laughed at me and I nervously chewed at my bottom lip.
"Okay so what was with the pinball thing if you didn't plan on ever giving me a chance?" Jaime asked me. The only thing we decided about our date was that we were terrible at deciding. So there we were, in Jaime's apartment.
"That was me showing you how easily distracted guys are." I told him. I stuck my tongue out and he followed suit to mock me. I shook my head and pulled a twizzler out of the package.
"I'm not easily distracted." he protested. We were both sitting on the same couch and facing each other. He had one leg off the couch and one on it. I quickly decided to scoot closer to him and place my hand on his leg. He looked from my hand to me and I leaned into him. I leaned in slow enough to make him nervous but not so slow it was awkward. Once my lips were close enough to his that he parted them, I turned my head and kissed his cheek.
"What were you saying?" I said into his ear before a sat back in my original position.
"Tease." He called me.
"I proved you wrong twice now." I said taking a satisfactory bite of my candy.
"Whatever." He pouted. His cheeks had turned a light pink. I had won. "Wanna go to the beach?" he asked out of the blue.
"It's late though." I responded looking at the time. By the time we got there we would only have about half of an hour left with the sun out.
"So? It would be fun!" He exclaimed.
"I don't have a suit." I began.
"You don't need one, come on let's go." he grabbed my hand and led me to his car. I got in the passenger seat with no more hesitation. I took control of the radio like I always had. We drove the whole way with the windows down and every song we knew we would turn it up a few more notches. By the time we got to the beach, the radio was up all the way and my hair was whipped around so much there was no way it still looked controlled but I was having such a good time I didn't care. I did decide on throwing it in a ponytail. Jaime very poorly pulled into a parking spot and turned off his radio.
"I almost just want to keep driving." I told him.
"I don't. I can't look at you and the road at the same time. That's just dangerous." He smiled at me before stepping out of the car.
"Smooth." I stated getting out myself. I looked over the the drivers side like I expected him to be but he wasn't. I was about to turn around but he grabbed my sides and I fell back towards him as he picked me up. "Jaime that wasn't cool! You scared me!" I yelled at him. A few people packing up from their day at the beach turned to us but quickly lost interest and returned to what they were doing.
"Oh, you love me." he said in a joking tone.
"Oh, you think?" I asked raising my eyebrows and pushing his shoulder.
"Yeah, what's not to love?" He grabbed my hand again and we headed down the sandy path to the beach. I didn't hesitate to take off my scandals. I loved the feeling of sand on my feet. Jaime did the same with his shoes. He took my hand with his free one.
"My family used to come up to the beach every year for summer vacation." I told him looking at the sand.
"That had to be something to look forward to every year." He stated.
"It got boring quick. I haven't been here in years." He stopped me and turned me to face him.
"You're here now so enjoy it." He stepped close to me. He stayed there as if he was waiting for permission to keep going. I got up on my toes so I was his height. I closed my eyes and I felt his lips on mine. This kiss wasn't like the ones from Halloween. It wasn't out of nerves or under the influence. It was soft and sweet. I returned back to my height and looked up at him.
"I am, I promise." I half-whispered. His arms were around me and my hands were on his chest.
"Good." He smiled. It couldn't have been more perfect. Eventually, we started to walk again. We just talked. We talked about our favorite music, things we can do, I found out he can yo-yo, what high school was like, all these things that you would think no one wanted to hear about because it was just your life, we talked about it. I even told him about Max and his influence on me.
We made it to this one spot that the sun still touched and we laid down, not caring about the sand. We laid there now in silence until the sun went down and even then we continued to just lie there. Eventually, we had to get up before we got in trouble with the police. We held hands on our way back. The thought of having a comfortable silence with him made me smile. When we made our way back to his car I didn't expect what happened next.
"I don't want this night to end." Jaime told me.
"I don't either." I looked at him and smiled. I was only a few steps away from his car when he stepped close to me. He kissed me, this time with out asking first. I liked the softness of him but he eventually grew rough. His kisses went from first kisses to 'I want you' kisses and for the first time in a while it didn't set me on edge. I felt comfortable and to me that meant a lot.
He pushed me back and when my legs touched to cold metal of the car and picked me up and placed me on the trunk hood. I laughed into the kisses and he paused to laugh with me.
"You're amazing I hope you know that." There was this emotion in his eyes that made me believe he was sincere but i still didn't believe he was right so I shook my head no and kissed him again.