By The Way

Chapter 12

Trigger Warning:  Attempted suicide

NEAL'S POV

Loving and fighting

We're screaming at each other. I am determined that I won't lose her this time.

Accusing, uniting

"Why won't you just go away? Leave me alone!" she yells, but I just pull her into my chest.

I can't imagine a world with you gone

I'm not letting go of my baby sister. She's all I have left and I love her.

The joy and the chaos, the demons we're made of

I think back to every time I've ever made her laugh; every time I've ever made her cry.

I'd be so lost if you left me alone

I could act like I wouldn't care if she left, but I honestly need her more than I've ever needed anyone.

You locked yourself in the bathroom

Nat breaks away from me and runs to the bathroom. I hear the lock click, and I run after her, pounding on the door.

Lying on the floor when I break through

By the time I get the door open, she's unconscious with an orange bottle beside her.

I pull you in to feel your heartbeat

I drag my sister into my lap and check for a pulse... it's there but only barely.

Can you hear me screaming "please don't leave me"

My own heart is racing as the tears stream down my face. I WILL NOT lose Natalie, not here, not now, not like this.

Hold on, I still want you

I am screaming her name, begging her to stay with me.

Come back, I still need you

"No," I say out loud, "Natalie Elaine I need you."

Let me take your hand, I'll make it right

I pick her up in my arms and call Peter to give me a ride.

I swear to love you all my life

"What is it Neal?" He sounds tired.

"I need a ride. NOW."

Hold on, I still need you

"Just a little longer, baby girl. Stay with me," I murmur in her ear.

A long endless highway, you're silent beside me

Peter knocks on the door, but I am already on my way out. He takes her from me and carried her down the stairs. I follow behind, numb all the way through my body.

Drivin' a nightmare I can't escape from

He sets her down in the backseat, and I slide in next to her. Her head is resting on my shoulder; tears are still streaming down my face.

Helplessly praying, the light isn't fadin'

She looks peaceful for the first time in a long time. I don't want her to be gone. She can't leave me yet.

Hiding in the shock and the chill in my bones

"What happened?" Peter asks from the driver's seat.

I grit my teeth, not wanting to say it out loud, "Just drive, Peter. Please."

My voice shakes even though I'm trying to stay strong. I really am trying, but it's hard.

They took you away on a table

We check her into the hospital, and within minutes she is whisked away.

I pace back and forth as you lay still

They take her back, but I am forced to stay in the waiting room. I feel like a caged animal.

They pull you in to feel your heartbeat

I can picture the doctors feeling her pulse. I pray that they found one.

Can you hear me screaming, "please don't leave me"

After a minute or two of pacing, I sink into a chair. Peter walks back in with two cups of coffee. He sits beside me.

Hold on, I still want you

I think about all of the times I wasn't there for her, but she was always there for me. Always.

Come back, I still need you

"She's going to pull through, Neal."

I'm not listening though because one of the nurses has walked into the waiting room and is calling my name.

Let me take your hand, I'll make it right

"Mister Neal Caffrey?"

"That's me," I don't even try the charm.

"Natalie is not awake yet, but she's stable. You can see her if you would like."

I swear to love you all my life

I take off running down the hallway and find her room. She is still asleep, but I know her: she's a fighter.

Hold on, I still need you

I sit on the chair next to the bed whispering her name.

I don't wanna let go

I take her hand in mine and hold on tight.

I know I'm not that strong

She is breathing lightly, but they still don't know if she will wake up. I can't think about it, though.

I just wanna hear you

I close my eyes and remember when we were younger.

She was a baby and we had taken a trip to Central Park. She loved the playground. I caught her at the bottom of the slide, but her favorite thing was the swing set. Her laugh was the most gorgeous thing I've ever heard. She loved the feeling of the swing flying through the air. I want to hear that laugh again.

Saying baby, let's go home

I want her to yell at me again.

To say, "Neal, can we go home now?"

Let's go home

I wish that we could go home. Really home. Before I left.

Yeah, I just wanna take you home

"Natalie, please sweetheart, open your eyes. That's all you have to do; just wake up so I know that you'll be okay," I beg her.

Hold on, I still want you

I run my hands through her silky, jet black hair.

"I'm right here," I promise.

Come back, I still need you

"Baby girl, don't let go. Just hold on. You're a Caffrey for goodness sake! Natalie Elaine don't you dare leave me here. Please keep on fighting. Please," my voice breaks and I lose it completely. The dam comes crashing down and the Neal Caffrey facade is no more because NOTHING is more important than family.