Waiting For You. (Harry Styles)

days 11-13

Just so you know, in Day 13 you will see a (* -). I wanted to let you know what that means so it doesn't confuse you. It basically mean's he's having a dream/flashback.

Day 11

Silent. That's the best and only word I can use to describe today. Nothing went on. We all just sat and said nothing. We cried every now and then, but it was mainly silent. 

Day 12

God, I feel so terrible! I barely wrote you yesterday! I'm so so sorry babe! It's just, nothing went on, and I didn't think you would want to hear about nothing. Paul told us today that we have to get back in the studio soon. None of us are excited about that. I really don't feel like singing songs for people. Especially songs about love, girls and heartbreak. They don't know heartbreak untill they've expirenced a pain like mine.

I miss you. More and more every day. I didn't eat again today. I'm sorry babe, I know you must be dissapointed in me. It's just, I can't. I've said that so many times, but it's true. I just can't. Niall tried tempting me with some Nandos. It didn't work. He had no problem eating it though. I'm starting to feel weak. It's starting to get harder and harder to stand up and not fall or shake. I've had this terrible headache for the last couple of days. I didn't want to worry you babe, that's why I never said anything.

My mum called me today too. She's worried about me. But, who isn't? She thinks I need to go back to Holmes Chapel with her and stay awhile. I don't want too. I can't leave our flat. What if you come back while I'm not there? I just can't. The lads think it would be a good idea. I just can't leave you behind. Everything we use to share is in here, and I don't want to leave it. 

Louis pulled me aside and told me everything would still be here when I got back and that they would take good care of our flat. I don't want to leave it. What do they simply not understand about that? I don't think he liked the way I talked back to him because well, he yelled at me and started crying. He said "God Harry you don't think we miss her too?! We miss her so much! Why? Because she was our friend too!! She was like our little sister just like you're our little brother. Which is why we are trying to do what's best for you. And I really think spending some time with your family is going to be a good thing." I can't believe I remembered that word for word, but when it's being screamed at you, it's kinda hard to forget.

Day 13

Mum called again today. She still thinks it would be a good idea for me to go. I reluctantly agreed. I hope you don't get mad at me babe. I didn't want to leave it behind! I tell myself that I'm going to be back and this isn't going to be forever. The lads were happy I decided to go. They're all going to be staying in the flat, to keep and eye on it for me. Honestly, it makes me feel a little better knowing they're going to be there. 

I told them I wanted to go do something. I wanted to visit you. They didn't think it was such a good idea but I have too. I haven't visited you at all since the funeral and I just had too. Then they wanted to come with me, but I told them I wanted to be alone. 

It only took me 15 minutes to get to the cemetery. I walked up on the hill at your headstone. I sat under the tree just staring at your headstone. Your name shouldn't be there babe. You should still be here. I broke down and started crying. Then, I started screaming. Screaming at the world. Screaming for you. 

*- I layed down with my knees curled up to my chest. I couldn't take it anymore. My vision was so blurry from the tears. Then, I heard you. You were calling for me. I sat up wiping my eyes so I could see. You were walking up to me with this white dress on. You smiled. I ran up and hugged you. You left out one of those adorable giggles.

"Hi babe" you said.

"I missed you so much!"

"I know. I miss you too. But, I'm always around you Harry"

"But, I can't see you! I just wanna see you and hold you and kiss you! Just come back to me!"

"I can't Harry.."

"I'm so sick of that I can't bullshit!"

"I'm sorry. There's nothing else that I can say to you"

"I'm waiting for you! Every fucking day I wait for you! This is a bad dream! This is all a fucking bad dream!"

"It's not a bad dream, it's real"

"No! You're not gone! I refuse to believe it! I won't!"

"Harry please..."

"You're not gone!"

"I am. I can't come back..."

"Yes you can babe! You can come back and we go live our lives how we normally did! It'll be as if nothing ever happened!"

"No.. I can't! I'm so sorry baby but I can't come back! This is all real! I miss you just as much as you miss me! It hurts knowing I can't be with you!"

"Why are you fading?"

"Because I have to go.."

"No! Babe please! Don't leave me again! Please don't leave me! I need you!". I could see the tears streaming down your face and just like that, you were gone. -*

I heard my name being screamed. I opened my eyes to see the lads all shaking me. They all sighed and said they were glad I was okay. I didn't say anything to them. I just got in my car and headed back home.