Waiting For You. (Harry Styles)

days 23-30

Hey guys! Sorry it's been awhile since I updated. Only a couple days right? Eh. Well, here you go! Finally updated.

I'm sorry it's so short. It's just, it's getting harder and harder to think of ideas on where to take this.

I KNOW what's happening in the end. I have that all planned out and everything. It's just, the stuff in between is where I get stuck out.

SO, Please don't get mad or hate me, (because I know I have a couple of you reading this) This story is going to be ending soon.

Probably have a couple more chapters up and then it'll come to an end.

I know it'll be a really short fanfic, but as I said, I'm getting stuck and I don't want to never update for you guys. I'd rather have this finished than to never update because I don't know how to keep it going.

ANYWAY, I'm rambling. Hope you like it :) xx

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Day 23

It was a studio day again. I had to sing a bit today. I don't know why they made me sing, I didn't even sound happy. Why would I be happy? Losing the person you love the most in this world cannot make a person happy. And do you want to know what I had to sing? A love song. Yeah, go figure. I forget what the lyrics were because I'm not really that into it.

Day 24

Today I had therapy. You can only imagine how that went. We talking about you today. She wanted me to tell her about you because we only ever really talked about my cutting. I told her everything. I don't know what happened. When I first started talking about you, everything started pouring out.

I even showed her pictures of you that were on my phone. I look at them everyday you know. She said you were very beautiful. I know you are babe. She said it wasn't right, how I was dealing with the pain of losing you. I don't know what to think anymore honestly. I'm about as numb as a person can get.

She suggested I try and do something that would remind me of our memories and good times together. She suggested writing a song about you. Which, I found was an excellent idea. I mean, why not?

So right after therapy, we all went to the studio again to record. I asked Paul if I could write the song about you, and have it on the album. He thought it was a great idea as well. The lads agreed to help me with it cause I don't think I could fully do it on my own.

I'm happy it's going to be on the album though. Maybe then the fans can finally understand what I'm going through. And maybe they can understand just how much you meant to me.

Day 25

I started writing it today babe. It's going really good so far. Writing it is hard though. It's hard on all of us. We want the song to be about our memories of you, but I also want it to be about how hard it is with you not here. It's definitely a challenge.

Lou is still hanging at our flat with me. They still don't think I should be alone. The boys finally fingured out the real reason I'm going to therapy. I guess that's another reason why I'm still not allowed to be alone.

I woke up again expecting you to be there right beside me. But, you weren't. You never are. And maybe you're never going to be. 

I could take it anymore. I went to the bathroom and made some new marks on my arms.

Day 30

I woke up in the hospital today. At first I had no idea what was going on. I started freaking out because I wasn't in our bed. My vision was all blurry and all I could hear was faint beeping from machines. When I started regaining my vision, I could see the lads all around me. They were crying.

Then they all started hugging me. I had asked them what had happened. They said when I went into the bathroom to cut, I cut too deep on my wrist and passed out from the major loss of blood. I don't even remember it honestly. 

It was hard to believe I lost so much blood that I was unconcious for 5 days though. I feel terrible for not writing to you babe. And even more terrible I couldn't work on our song. Please don't worry about me. I'll be fine. Well, as fine as I could be I guess.

I don't know when I'll be released, or even when I'll be able to write again.

I need you. I hate being here without you. If you were here, I know you would be the first one by my side, and you wouldn't leave it until I woke up. You would never have left this happen to me. Of course if you were still here, I wouldn't be doing this at all.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I wish I had never woken up. I wish the cut would have just killed me right then and there. If Lou wasn't staying with me, I probably would have died.

But, what's the point? I keep asking this over and over again. There is nothing I need to live my life for. The only person that kept me going everyday, was you. And now, you're gone. I have nothing. So why am I still here? Why did I not die? Am I still here for a reason? What the fuck kind of reason could that be. There's no reason for me to live my life.

I'm just numb. I'm broken. I don't know what to feel anymore and I don't know what to do with myself. I have no purpose. I'm just here and I don't know why.