Waiting For You. (Harry Styles)

days 14-16

Day 14

I'm back in Holmes Chapel. I got here last night. I've been crying all day. Ever since, well, when I saw you baby. You looked so beautiful. Why did you leave? You just faded away. Was it just my imagination? No, it can't be. This is all a bad dream, remember? Mum woke me up this moring. She made a huge breakfast. I of course didn't eat. She got mad at me for not eating. I really just can't. I've said that enough, I know. She said I'm losing a lot of weight fast. Gemma is dissapointed in me. But they all miss you babe.

They can't stop crying with me. Mum said she knew you were going to be the one. And she was so pleased the first time she met you. She said you were lovely and absolutely beautiful. Gemma loved hanging out with you. Remember how everytime we would come to my mum's house she would always drag you along to something else? 

They didn't know what to do when they heard about the accident. Hell, I still don't even know what to do. I still can't believe it's been over a month. 

Sometimes I think to myself, is this all really worth it? Is life really worth it? I have the best family and brothers in the world. We have the most amazing fans there could ever be. We have 2 albums out and made it through 2 world tours. But, is all of it even worth it if I can't share it with you? You were here for me from the very beginning. Back when I audtioned for the X-Factor. You were always here for me. Now, what am I going to do? I can't do this by myself. 

And I know I'm not alone. I have the lads. But, they're not who I want by my side. They're not the ones who I want to come home to every night. They're not the ones who I want to be able to cuddle with after a long day in the studio. Most importantly, they're not the ones who I want here with me right now. 

Day 15

 I woke up this morning expecting you to be beside me. Then when I didn't see you, I just figured you were already up with mum and Gemma. I came out and asked where you were. Tear's started streaming down their cheeks and that's when it hit me. You weren't here. You were gone. 

I wanted to come visit you today but mum wouldn't let me. She said it wouldn't be a good idea and that I should focus more on other things. What more do I need to focus on? What EXACTLY do I need to focus on? The only thing I'm focusing on, is how none of this is fair. The love of my life gone in the blink of an eye. 

I sat in the chair by the door all day. I was waiting for you to walk through the door. But, you never came. I stared out the windo replaying memories in my head. Like the first time I saw you. The first time we kissed. The first time we had sex. My only regret is that I didn't ask you to be my girlfriend sooner. I'm so sorry babe. I should have done it way before that concert. 

Day 16

I took a walk today. It was really cold out but that didn't bug me. I had to get out of the house. I've only been here for 2 days and it's been driving me crazy. I just wish I was back at our flat. I know the lads are taking really good care of it, but I just would rather be there. Liam called me while I was out on my walk. For the sake of not recieving anymore phone calls, I answered. He just wanted to know how I've been. I didn't even know where to begin. But, I just shook it off and said ok. I know they mean well, but I hate it when they ask such stupid questions.

When I came back, no surprise, mum tried getting me to eat. I yelled at her. I'm really getting sick and tired of everyone trying to get me to eat! Do they simply not understand that I can't? Do they not understand that it's fucking hard for me to get out of bed everyday let alone eat? 

I could fucking kill myself at this very fucking second because it's hard living without you. I miss you every second of every day and it never gets any easier! And you know what? They all promised it would! I'm getting closer and closer to breaking babe. I'm not going to though, because I know you would be upset. 

I'm so sorry for lashing out at you like that. Everyone just doesn't...understand. I just get so angry. I feel like losing you was nothing but my fault. And I really felt like that today. And nobody gets it. They don't understand what I'm going through and how I'm feeling.

I cut myself. Right after I wrote the last paragraph. I went to the bathroom and cried. I dropped to the floor. I couldn't help it. It was the first thing I saw. I thought it would make the pain go away. I glided it across my wrist and watched the blood pour out hoping to feel something other than pain.

Nothing.