Waiting For You. (Harry Styles)

days 18-22

Day 18

I'm sorry I didn't write you yesterday. I had nothing to say. I know that sounds terrible, but I promise it had nothing to do with you. A lot went on and I just, didn't want to tell you about it, even though you probably already know. But incase you don't, the night I started cutting, I ended up falling alseep on the bathroom floor. When I awoke the next morning, there was dried blood everywhere, from the cuts I had recently done after I had stopped writing.

I wore long sleeved shirts, so nobody would notice. Well, that didn't work. My sleeve somehow lifted up and Gemma seen my cuts. She started screaming and crying and yelling, which of course made mum come in and she told her. Long story short, I now have therapy 3 times a week.

I don't need to talk to no damn therapist! Nobody is going to understand where I'm coming from! Nobody is going to be able to feel the pain I have and nobody is going to be able to help me. I'll keep doing it! I feel like I need to. It's like my drug now. I can't stop. I won't.

Day 19

I had therapy today. Didn't like it one bit. The lady I'm talking to is really old and thinks she knows everything. I hate people like that. I know me and her won't get on real well.  Anyway, she asked me why I cut and I told her I was hoping to feel something other than pain. Some other emotion of some kind. She made me feel stupid. She was all like 'Pain is the first thing you are obviously going to feel when you self-harm in anyway'.

Ok, that's nice. See?! I told you she wouldn't get it! Didn't I babe? She doesn't seem to even begin to understand that I feel this fucking pain all the time. So, I do this in hopes of feeling something different. Now, It's an addiction. But, it's not like it really matters.

Today is my last day in Holmes Chapel. I can't wait to get back to our flat babe. I miss it so much. Our bed epecially. That's where we spent the most time and had the most fun. I know it's going to be exactly how I left it. I trust the lads. I know they wouldn't do anything.

Day 20

I'm finally back home babe! As I said, everything is exactly how I left it! I actually feel a tiny bit of happiness right now. I just feel so much better to be back here. When I walked in the doors, all the lads where there to great me. For a split second, I almost expected to see you there with them.

For you to smile that beautiful smile and for your face to light up and eyes sparkle when you first seen me. Then, you would run up and hug me. I would pick you up, spin you around and give you the biggest kiss ever. But, you weren't there.

I think I'm starting to come to terms with this. I think I'm finally starting to realize you're gone. But, apart of me still refuses too. That little part gives me hope. That little part is still waiting for you to come walking through that door any minute.

Day 22

I didn't write yesterday because there was really nothing to write about. I layed in our bed all day. Something I haven't been able to do since I left. I almost had the flat to ourselves. Most of the lads decided to go back to their own flats, but Lou stayed behind. 

He didn't want to leave me just yet. Also, we all went back to the studio today. Luckly, I didn't really have to sing. Which was good because I wasn't planning on it anyway. Our new songs are so upbeat, it makes me sick to listen too. Like, how can someone be happy right now? 

I didn't even want to go but they all made me. Fuck management. Their all worthless pieces of shit. I told them that too. Didn't go over quite well, but whatever.