Chaotic Hearts | ✓

32 | storm

A / N

The chapter is very, very vulnerable. And the Anika in this chapter is very delicate. She's my baby. And it hurts me to see her like this. I cried so much when I wrote this chapter.

I hope you can feel everything that I felt. It's shorter than usual but much more powerful.

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32 | storm

ANIKA’S THOUGHTS WERE fuzzy as she ran her fingers through his hair. She slowly slid her hands down to his neck, softly massaging his shoulder and a shiver of pleasure ran through as she heard him moan. She could feel his hands slipping inside the sheer material of her top. But as his fingers slid over one of her scars, Anika’s mind went blank. She was kissing him but suddenly, she didn’t feel a thing.

“You are pretty.” She heard the salesgirl's voice in her head. She remembered the warm look on her face as Anika had twirled around in a dress. Anika hadn’t believed her.

“What makes you think so?”

“I just do.” The girl had shrugged, offering her another dress.

“You think wrong then.” Anika had thought to herself then.

She pushed Shivaay away, tears brimming her eyes and stomach churning. She stumbled over to their bathroom and pushed the door open, kneeling down in front of the toilet and puking her guts out. She felt his presence much more than she heard him. She could feel him hold her hair back as she coughed. “Didn’t know you found me so disgusting that you felt the need to puke.”

It’s not you, it’s me, she thought as tears slipped from her eyes. She sat down on the floor and Shivaay offered her tissues. Maybe he noticed it then. How her body trembled, how her hands were shaky as she reached for the tissue. How her eyes were blurred with tears. Because the next moment, he had snatched away the tissues from her hand and was wiping the puke from her collar himself. He threw the tissue away and wiped her tears with his thumb. “What’s bothering you, love? Did I hurt you?”

Anika couldn’t answer him. What would she tell him?  That she couldn’t bear the thought of him ever seeing her where she was just plain Anika? That she could not imagine him ever touching her scars?

He cradled his face in her hands. “Tell me love, did I hurt you? I am so, so sorry if I did.”

“It’s not you, it’s me. It’s the fact I am so hideous I don’t want you to see me.”

His face crumpled when Anika said that and Anika looked away. “I can’t let you see me that way. You will hate me.”

“Why would you ever think that, love? Why? Who told you that you are not beautiful? Because honestly, I haven’t seen anything as gorgeous as you. You are beautiful and you are amazing.”

“The mirror tells that to me everyday,” she whispered, her voice breathy.

“You don’t need a mirror to tell you your worth. You are so much more than you deem yourself to be. When will you ever learn that?”

Her sobs wracked her body and she shook violently. She wiped away her tears and got up. “No, I am not. I am none of the things you say I am. I see it everyday when I look in the mirror or when I go out and shop and the shopkeeper looks at me with this pitiful smile. I am just a girl who’s broke. Maybe beyond repair.” Anika was trying hard not to cry but as she stood there, the tears flowed freely down her cheeks. She bit her lip but even the metallic taste of her blood can’t make the tears stop.