Simply M O O D

Long vent

Why THE FUCK we so GODDAMN SAD ????
WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN
WHAT THE FUCK
WHY
STOP
EMOTIONS, QUIT IT
I HAVE TOO LITTLE PROBLEMS TO GET EXTREMELY SAD

I mean maybe
I dunno what the fuck is with me
I told my parents :
● That I occasionally get suicidal/homicidal thoughts. (I never act upon them, and usually just compress the feelings.)
● That they never pay attention until I have to take large steps to get noticed. (Wrote a letter explaining how I feel while also sad as fuck so I kinda understand )
● That I want to stay in one household over the other, due to stress factors such as the neighborhood, how many people live there, how tense it gets, etc.
● I'm not comfortable with relationships ( Like, yeah, I feel attracted to people, but I'd never date anyone...)

And in return they suggested :
● I should get more help ( I agreed, partially. I already see a therapist. I already tell her these things. Don't we all get the urge to stab a bitch??)
● I should start being less selfish
● I shouldn't say things unless I mean them
● I should start doing things for other people
● I should take more time to consider my actions
● And I should stop worrying about the future.

I'm not sure if this is sound advice, but some of this pisses me off.

I held my tounge because I wasn't sure if they would accept it. I worried about my siblings and the effect it would have. I thought I was being overdramatic and told myself to get over it. When I couldn't, I told them, just to be called selfish.
Maybe I am. I don't know. But I feel upset, and I don't have the guts to tell anyone in person.

I mean every word when I say that some days I just want to find the right medication, fucking down it all, roll over and die. I don't do it. I don't fucking do it.
I mean every word when I say that some days I wanna grab a knife and shove it into the nearest person because I'm just fucking dONE with their bullshit. 'Course, I don't.

I've waited about, what, 5-6 years to develop these emotions and tell them how I feel. Now I need more time to consider? MAKES ENOUGH SENSE.
Four months ago, I told them I didn't feel safe in this household. I felt more stressed, more anxious, afraid and such. I told them people could tell what household I was in due to how I acted. They told me to think about it.
Four months, and they're telling me the same thing.

Think about it.

Recently, I found out my brother had mild autism. That would explain a lot. He's 11, I believe, and I'm just kinda tired of his shit. He's cusses a lot, but I guess that's my fault. He's kinda an asshole. Oblivious to a lot.
But that's okay. I don't hate him because of what he's like in the head. I just kinda get pissed off when I'm talking about something serious and he butts in about how much he loves one of our cats.

I don't fucking know.
I don't know if I have a serious problem, or I'm just a selfish bitch who needs to get their shit together.
I mean, a lot of people have it worse out there. People have self-harmed, committed suicide or attempted to, been raped, abused, and all that sick shit.
I'm just a girl who's sad.
That's fucking it.

If any of you guys have an idea about this, please let me know.
Please.

Any feedback, any kind of reassurance that I'm not just stupid, or confirmation that I am.

Didn't want to end this on a serious note, so here are my lads. My mom gave me at least thirty of them. I love them a lot.

M'boi is sideways
That's okay
Absolute unit
Squishy boi

664 words